Dreams

Hi Everyone! I'm ending my best of blogs series and going back to new blogs every day. Here's one I actually wrote on 1/29, but didn't post so as to not interrupt my series. I have another one I want to post later tonight, because I've got some things on my mind, but this one needed to come first.

I've been thinking about what God has in store for my life. The future, near and distant. I've been thinking about my dreams - to make a mark in Children's Ministry, to publish books, to influence people. And ultimately it's come down to these things.

I want to follow God. I want to hear his voice. I want to walk in his way - even if it seems hard or chaotic. I want to trust him even when I don't get what he's doing. I want to lay my plans at his feet and to surrender to whatever he wants to do. I want him to use me. I want to do something that's bigger than me, something heavenly. I want to leave a legacy.

I don't need fame or glory. It's nice, but it's fleeting. What ultimately matters is that when I get to heaven I hear God say, "Well done, my good and faithful servant." I want that to be the only accolade that matters to me.

Best of Blogs #28

Reinvented Me, originally posted 9/24/10.

In Kindergarten and then again in 2nd-6th grade, I had the world's worst gym teacher: Mr. Carron. (His first lesson each year was that his name was spelled that way.) He was one of those people that's so mean and hate-filled you wonder what ever inspired him to become a teacher. I mean really, wasn't there a position open in the Nazi regime?

Well, God didn't make me with much coordination, it seemed. And Mr. Carron routinely did things to point out how terrible I was at sports. Rather than encourage me to try my best or teach me how to do it better, he mocked my basketball skills and singled me out when I was the only girl who couldn't do a split.

And so I never did any extra curricular sports, never tried much in gym class even after I moved on to 7th grade, because I believed one thing to be surely true about myself: I would never be a gifted athlete.

When church events, camps, or field trips required athletic events, I would do my best to get exempt from such things. And if I had to participate, I'd apologetically let everyone know beforehand that I wasn't very good at whatever the activity was. Just to avoid the embarrassment of them finding that out for themselves.

Well, today our department at work went on a team retreat, which involved 2 hours of volleyball and some team building games. And last night I realized something: no one here in Colorado knew that I'm not athletically gifted. No one had seen Mr. Carron's teasing. And what if my un-athletic ability was really just in my mind? What if it was a lie I'd believed for so long that it had become a self-fulfilling prophecy? What if I could re-invent myself as a good athlete?

So I decided to go into today and give it my all. No pre-game apologies for my lack of skill. No timidness because what if I embarrassed myself? Just do my best, be the ball, and have fun. And guess what? I wasn't one of the all-star volleyball players on the team, but I played way better than I ever have before. I had a lot of good hits, one in particular that seemed and impossible hit, and everyone was excited when I made it.

And get this - one of my co-workers asked me if I played sports in high school! And her inflection wasn't so much a question tone, but more of a "oh, you must have played sports" kind of inflection. Which was pretty exciting for me. No one has ever assumed that about me, except running because of my build.

I had a lot more fun than I've ever had playing sports. Sure, I had a few way off hits, and one where the volleyball went right through my arms, but I wasn't focused on the embarrassment. I was focused on re-inventing me. Ali: the reasonably decent athlete. And it worked!

So take that, Mr. Carron!

Best of Blogs #27

Buttercup, originally posted 12/5/09. This one wasn't originally on my best of blogs but after the events of the day (Buttercup collapsing, me driving frantically to meet her and Dan at the vet, all the while thinking she wasn't going to make it)...I decided this would be a good post.

They say that dogs often look like their owners. With her curly white hair, and my straight brown hair, I don't think Buttercup looks a whole lot like me on the outside. But on the inside, we're a lot alike.

Buttercup and I are both very opinionated. And once we've decided the way we feel about something, good luck trying to convince us otherwise. It's pretty clear what Buttercup likes and doesn't like, and it's the same way with me.

We're both afraid of things. For Buttercup, it's things like dumpsters, black garbage bags, hangers, other dogs, and pots. For me, it's things like snakes and humiliation due to lack of coordination. But we respond to fears in similar ways. Unlike Peanut, who typically faces her fears head on, me and Buttercup avoid our fears as much as possible.

We both know what it's like to be the reject. For many years I was the only single one at our family gatherings, but Buttercup was there for me. And we were both the ones to get picked on - her for her wussiness, me for my pickiness and just in general for being the youngest. And in those times, we bonded really closely.

During college, Buttercup was left with my parents who weren't really into the whole having a dog thing. So they took care of her basic needs but ignored her otherwise. We both know what it's like to be the outcast that nobody wants to be with.

People often see how overly submissive Buttercup is, or how she's afraid of so many things, and they think she should be tougher. But I get her. And she gets me. We understand each other in a way no one else understands either of us. That's what makes it so hard to be away from her for long. We're kindred spirits.

I don't really know how to explain it beyond the similarities I've pointed out, because we have this deep connection that goes far beyond just what we have in common. We can communicate with each other. Dan often is in awe of how I'll use my Buttercup voice to say something, and then she'll do that exact thing. But it's because I know what she's thinking. When she wants something, I usually know what she wants right away. We just have our own little wavelength.

It's not the same way I connect with Peanut because she's so different than I am. I love her dearly, but it's not the same as Buttercup.

Buttercup and I were made for each other - so that we'd at least have one other creature in our lives who didn't judge us for being the way we are, because we get it.

Best of Blogs #26

Radio, originally posted 7/17/10.

This week I was asked to do some radio interviews about one of Group's most awesome products - The Hands-On Bible. It was a scary proposition, but I'm trying not to turn down things that could be good opportunities just because they're scary. So I did it.



The interviews were yesterday, and they really weren't as bad as I thought they'd be. The hardest part was trying to say the key things without repeating myself, since I did 7 of these interviews and by the end was starting to lose track of what I'd said that particular interview.



Of course, it's always hard to judge how you did in something since you're not the audience...but I don't THINK I said "um" very much, and overall I think I did OK. I can think of a few specific things I could have done better but they're not big mistakes.



I'll have 3 more to do in the next month, and now that I've done a few I'm not too nervous about it. It's a good lesson that sometimes if you just try something that scares you...you just might find it's not so bad.



Best of Blogs #25

Power, originally posted 4/28/10.

Over two years ago, I wrote an article for Just Between Us Magazine (published through Elmbrook). They liked it, but held it for a while. So by the time they published it this January, I was here in Loveland, working at Group.

Someone at a church a couple towns over read my article. And it spoke to her. So she asked me to be a keynote speaker at their women's retreat. I said yes. I don't consider public speaking to be my gift at all, but it doesn't scare me and I thought it would be a good opportunity. So I did it. And I thought it was pretty cool how God's timing had worked. She wouldn't have asked me if they'd published the article right away, when I still lived in Wisconsin.

The event was last Friday. I was asked to speak on the same topic as my article - the power of God working in us, rather than working from our own strength. And the talk itself was a life lesson in that. From the time I accepted this task, God randomly gave me little nuggets to include. Sometimes while I was brushing my teeth or in the shower, other times things I'd read in Scripture...so by the time I sat down to put my talk together, I didn't have to think of any material. God had already given me more than enough to fill the time frame. All I had to do was weed through it, pick the best stuff, put it in order, and make it flow well and fit with the theme of the retreat (which he'd already given me ideas to do).

But even though my talk was Friday, God is continuing to show me new things about his power and my weakness. I don't think he wanted me to revisit this topic just to talk to others about it. I think he wanted me to rely on him more.

Last night I read the story of Gideon going into battle. God says he has too many soldiers, and with an army that big they might take the credit rather than giving it to God. So he whittles his army down to just 300 men. They are severely outnumbered. And it's in that weakness, with that tiny little army, that God's power is revealed in their victory. There's no way they can take credit. They made themselves weak so God could be all the stronger.

Also this week I was reading in 2 Corinthians 12, where Paul has his "thorn in the flesh" and asks God to take it away. But - for the very purpose of keeping him from becoming proud - God leaves it there, saying, "My grace is all you need. My power works best in weakness" (NLT). I think it's the first time I ever read it in that version, and it really struck me. God's power works best when we are made weak. Just like Gideon's army, there's no way we can think WE accomplished anything without God's power when we are weak.

Lord, make me weak so that you may be shown strong and powerful.

Best of Blogs #24

Opportunity, originally posted 2/19/10.

This year one thing I've been trying to do is say yes to things, even if I'm a little hesitant. It's like the movie Yes Man, but much less extreme. I won't say yes to ANYTHING, but if it's something that's a potential growth opportunity, I'll probably do it even if there's a part of me that's scared or unwilling. That can mean little things, like getting to know someone who I have a silly beef with, or bigger things, like saying yes when a local church asked me to speak at their women's retreat in April.

So far I haven't regretted anything I've said yes to. They've ended up being good opportunities and they've helped me grow in weak areas. I'm thankful that God is bringing me opportunities of all sizes to help me grow. And while it's not always easy to keep that perspective, my goal is to end 2010 with a lot more character and skill than I started it with.

Best of Blogs #23

Journey (My Yellow Ball), originally posted 1/27/10.

One Halloween during my sophomore year of college, I helped with a Halloween alternative event at my church. There, I met a guy named Derek Buikema. We became friends. I also got a yellow bouncy ball that was left over from the prizes that night.

Derek and I were IMing one night when his friend seized the computer (unbeknownst to me, initially). After conversing with Derek's friend for a bit, we ended up hitting it off. So we started a sort of ambiguous in-between friends and dating kind of relationship.

And because of that relationship, when it came time to look for an internship, I looked in Brookfield, Wisconsin, home of Derek and his friend. And that's how I ended up at Elmbrook as an intern, and later as a children's ministry assistant. (Though my pseudo-relationship ended before my internship started.)

I took that little yellow ball with me to Elmbrook. It reminded me of how that one little act of serving at my church one night brought me to where God wanted me to serve for a season. And I wrote on the ball "he has brought me to this place."

While at Elmbrook, one small part of my job (and not a part I loved) was to host a conference at Elmbrook that Group ran all over the country. And thus began my connection to Group. And it's how I met Mikal, who was instrumental in helping me get even more plugged into Group.

My yellow ball sits on my desk at Group to this day, reminding me of how God can use the random little things in life to bring you to the places he wants you to be. I'm thankful that even through the heartache of a bad relationship and through doing a task I didn't like at my job, God brought about awesome opportunities for me.

And I'm only at the start of my journey!

Best of Blogs #22

Presence, originally posted 1/12/10.

Lately I've been spending at least one leg of my commute to work just enjoying God's presence. Praying, listening to worship music, or just reflecting and listening. It's been so wonderful to spend that time with God, and it's really helped me relax and focus on him each day, drawing my strength from his presence.

It's been a while (before the past couple of weeks) since I really spent time dwelling in God's presence. It's amazing the difference it makes in your life. It's amazing to see answers to your prayers, and wonder why you didn't pray about the zillion other things that came up that stressed you out or caused you pain. When you see God at work, it seems so stupid that you didn't pay attention to his work earlier.

Best of Blogs #21

Intertwined, originally posted 1/10/10. This one's nice and short to make up for yesterday's.

The more I grow in my faith, the more intertwined God becomes in my life. Even on days - in stretches - where I go without reading his Word or talking to him, he lives and breathes in me in every aspect of my life. Not that I don't make mistakes, because I do. It's just that his presence is so noticeably with me, a constant reminder that faith intersects everything I do.

Best of Blogs #20

What I Learned at Kids Kamp, originally posted 9/20/08 - the day after I accepted my job at Group. This one was REALLY long so I abbreviated it.

Here's the update, then I'll go into what I learned at Kids Kamp: Dan and I are moving to Colorado. I got a job with Group Publishing as a Curriculum Editor. We are totally psyched (although Buttercup senses something big is happening and seemed a little bit on edge last night).

When times were hard [in my previous job], I didn't turn to God. I was mad at Him for taking away what I loved, and especially for giving me this terrible new job. It was a horrible fit for me, and I didn't understand what the heck God was thinking. So I didn't even want to talk to Him.

Here's the part I left out until now: nine days after I told my boss I was stepping down from the nursery, my dream job in Colorado opened up. I'd visited in May and knew there would be an opening eventually, but it wasn't supposed to happen for another few months. It felt like God was saying, "Okay, you took the step of faith that I would provide for you. Here, have the opportunity of your dreams."

Then Kids Kamp came. I was excited about Kamp, and I was excited about life again. But I wasn't totally excited about God. I was beginning to see that maybe He'd had a plan for me this whole time, that He'd been loosening me up at Elmbrook so that He could move me somewhere else. But it wasn't official yet, so I didn't want to totally commit to Him again.

It didn't take long for God to speak to me at Kids Kamp. The teaching was about David, and on the first night Brodie played a song that said, "David he chased God's own heart; all I ever seem to chase is me." Wow...did that convict me. I hadn't been chasing God at all, but I had very much been chasing myself. My love for God had become conditional on whether or not I was happy with what He was doing in my life...when really I could only see a foot in front of me, and He could see the big picture.

Here's an excerpt of what I wrote in my journal that week:

"I really want to chase after God, not myself and not even Group. If I don't get it, rather than reacting like I've been for the past few months about everything that's been going on at Elmbrook, I still want to be able to say that I trust God and I know that He is using this to bring about good...even if I don't know what it is yet! It's a hard thing to lay my dream of working at Group on the altar and say, "Yes, I will trust You even if I don't get this job," but this week I want to learn to do that."

That night, I gave myself back to God. I realized that He had a much bigger plan than I had ever considered, whether or not Group was a part of that plan. I was determined to trust in God no matter what the outcome of my application to Group was, or when I would ever know what God was up to. And I've held on to that determination ever since. I knew I'd be sad, and I'd cry, if I was rejected...but I knew that I would hold on to God this time.

I think it was important for me to give all this to God before I got the job. Maybe I would have gotten it either way...but I'd rather go into it with a heart for God and a desire to serve Him.

It really is true what Romans 8:28 says, that all things work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to His purpose. It's just that with our limited line of vision, we can't always see the good work God is up to. When we go through hard times, it's hard to remember that God is doing something good even in the midst of it.

One song we sang a lot at Kids Kamp was "Our God is Up to Something Good." I loved that song, especially with everything God had been teaching me, because I realized it was always true. And I loved how the word "something" was so ambigious. He's up to something good. I don't know what, but I can trust that it's something good. Because our God is good.