My Precious

I've blogged before about how I've been spending my quiet times this year with a reflective method of reading Scripture, focusing on a couple lines at a time and really soaking them in. And as a result, almost inadvertently memorizing those passages.

These are the passages I've read so far: Psalm 93, Psalm 103, Psalm 139, and 1 John 3:1-10. And I just started Psalm 40, but I'm only 2 verses in.

This method of Scripture reading isn't for everyone. I've also been reading a book by John Ortberg called The Me I Want to Be and he talks about connecting with God in the way that is most impactful to you, not trying to imitate other people. For me, this has been an extremely healing process of self-discovery. I recommend it only to those who think it would be a good process for them.

The passages I've picked out have been somewhat arbitrary, but they mostly focus on God's greatness and his love for me. They say things like:

"How great is the love the Father has lavished on us, that we should be called children of God!" - 1 John 3


"As high as the heavens are above the earth, so great is his love for those who fear him." - Psalm 103


"As a father as compassion on his children, so the Lord has compassion on those who fear him." - Psalm 103


"From everlasting to everlasting, the Lord's love is with those who fear him." - Psalm 103


"You created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made." - Psalm 139

(Sorry for the lack of verse numbers. Memorizing those hasn't been a part of this journey.)

I woke up this morning feeling very unloveable. Bad things happen when I lose an hour of my day, I guess. I even said aloud as I processed my life's journey, "Am I that unloveable?" And that's when God reminded me of these verses I'd so recently reflected on and so quickly forgotten about. I'm not unloveable, because God loves me. And his love is the only love that really matters.

And then I realized that when we say and think negative things about ourselves, we are criticizing God's very carefully, fearfully, and wonderfully made creation. He made me me, not anyone else. I'm weird. I'm a nerd. I'm a picky eater. I have squinty eyes when I smile, and I get lightheaded around flashing lights. One of my legs is shorter than the other, and if not for my heel lift, my spine curves because of it causing my rib to pop out of my spine. Not one of these things is a mistake; I am fearfully and wonderfully made.

That's not to say I'm perfect. I sin daily. I struggle with pride. I am often too harsh in the way I voice my opinions. I have a know-it-all complex. These are not things that God wove into me when I was woven together. These are the things my sinful nature has brought to the mix, and I need God to deal with those.

But the things about our personalities or our appearance that make us question our value? Those are not mistakes. Any doubts or insecurities about those things are straight from the devil. And "the reason the Son of God appeared was to destroy the devil's work" (1 John 3). So the devil doesn't reign in my life. "The Lord has established his throne in heaven, and his kingdom rules over all" (Psalm 103).

I am fearfully and wonderfully made. You are fearfully and wonderfully made. So be you. And don't let Satan or anyone else try to convince you that person is unloveable. In God's sight, you are his precious, precious child.

True Value

There's this girl on this season of the Bachelor named Courtney. She's a 28-year old model who doesn't get along well with the other girls and says she's had a lot of guys date her but then get tired of her and cheat. She is agressive and rude, and that's why the other girls don't like her. She's portrayed as this season's villain.

As annoying as I find her, I have to feel a little bit bad for her. She is constantly using her body to get Ben's attention. She took him skinny dipping, invited him to her room, and distracted him from another girl by hanging around in her bikini. She considers many of the other girls "immature" for not using their sexuality to interest Ben. She wonders why they aren't showing interest in him when they have conversations with him rather than making out.

She's pretty, to be sure. But somewhere along the line it seems she got the message that's all she is. And so she uses her looks to earn a living. And considers her looks to be the only real key to winning a guy over.

Last night she said, "I want a guy who gets me, who treats me the way I want to be treated." And my heart just broke for her. How will she ever find a guy who doesn't treat her like a piece of meat when that's how she puts herself out there? How will she ever find a guy who values her, not her model's figure, when she acts like her figure is all she has to offer? Has she ever heard the phrase "no one wants to buy the cow when you're giving away the milk for free"?

Our culture is so wrapped up in physical appearance, especially for women. And while for many women this means never feeling attractive enough, never feeling like they live up to the 36-26-36 Barbie standard, there's another side of the coin. The Courtney side. Women who are physically attractive and confident in it, but believe that's all they have to offer the world. This saddens me even more than the size 10s who kick themselves for not being 6s. No one should feel like there's nothing they have to offer beneath their outer shell.

Complete

I'm currently reflecting on Psalm 103 for my Lectio Divina study. This morning I reflected on this section:

Praise the Lord, oh my soul
And forget not all his benefits
Who forgives all your sins
And heals all your diseases


As I reflected, one word jumped out at me. It's the word that is repeated the most in the passage: all. All his benefits. Forgives all my sins. Heals all my diseases.

I wrote next to this passage in my Bible: There's nothing about me God can't fix.

And I started thinking about the description of God as "All in All." As I seek to have God define me, I've started a craft project that I add to each day. On a piece of foam board, I write "Because God is..." and fill it in with something that struck me from my Bible reading. Then I glue a small 2 inch craft mirror to it and write on the mirror "I am..."

For today's I wrote, "Because God is my all in all...I am complete." I lack in nothing because of all of God's benefits in my life. He has forgiven all of my sins. He has healed all of my diseases. I am complete in him.

Come Define Me

"I'm an already but not yet resurrected fallen man
Come break this limbo.

I know you know just who I've been,

Come define me."

- Switchfoot

We all define ourselves some way. And I've been realizing lately that I define myself a lot more by other people than by God. I struggle with feeling whether or not people really care about me. Not strangers or acquaintances, but people I care about. Am I worth their time? Do they see me as "worth it"? Do they see past my masks to the person I am on the inside - and do they like what they see?

It's not a new thing. I'm realizing I've let guys define me for a long time. And friendships. And my job. It goes back quite far, actually. In the summer before 6th grade I made a survey to ask people whether or not they liked me, and why. And I made adjustments accordingly. Talk about letting people define you!

And even when the opinions are good, like when I've gotten some encouragement at work this week, it's not good to let those things define me.

But when I read verses like "he is slow to anger, abounding in love," my heart skips a beat. Or "I will never leave you." I leap a little inside. Even if everyone in my life abandons me, God won't. He just won't. Even if everyone in my life is angry with me, God's love abounds. No matter what other people think of me, God thinks I'm worth it. He sees past all my masks and thinks I'm beautiful. That's what I want to define me.

"I want to hear you say
Who I am is quite enough

I want to be worthy of love, and beautiful."

- Bethany Dillon

Labels

I've been thinking lately about labels. At workcamp this summer, they did an exercise where they stuck a nametag on themselves with something people had said about them. It could be good or bad: smart, beautiful, rich, or dumb, ugly, poor. Either way, the name tag was torn off and they came forward to hear that they were beloved children of God.

A similar exercise was done last week at Kidmin, only with labels about your ministry. Success or failure, good enough or not good enough. Then a slide show came up with words describing how God sees us.

And all of this got me thinking that labels don't have to be negative to be bad. Elle Woods in Legally Blonde is labelled as rich and beautiful—but that's all people can see her as. No one believes she really has the intelligence to succeed as a lawyer. Another person I know is extremely intelligent, but sometimes feels as if that's her only value to those around her. It's nice to be thought of as beautiful or smart, but when that becomes your sole worth to the world, you've become just an object. You feel like who you really are is lost behind this mask of the one thing people say about you.

The problem with labels, positive or negative, is that pretty soon they become the sum of what you are. This is one of my concerns about being a mother. Many of the mothers I know seem to have only that as their identity. The truth is, we are all so much broader than one or two adjectives can describe.

The thing about the child of God label is that it is the sum of everything we are. God has created us as his children, with all of our specific personality quirks, talents, roles, and the way we look. All of who we are, whether others see that as good or bad, is wrapped up in "beloved child of God."

Tear off any other labels that you're wearing. Don't let one adjective describe you. You, beloved child of God, are exactly who he created you to be.