Alone & Afraid

I have a confession to make. On Sunday I was in a very Christmassy mood. And also a very sappy mood. So I put on a movie that's been in my Netflix queue for a while, an ABC Family Original Movie called "The Twelve Dates of Christmas."

It was every bit as sappy as I could've hoped for...and more. The moment the intro song started playing, I said, "Uh oh...it's already cheezy." Not that I'd expect any less from an ABC Family Original.

The premise of the movie is that this girl (Kate), who is getting over her ex-boyfriend (who was cuter than the guy she ends up with, just saying), has a blind date on Christmas Eve. But because of her preoccupation with her ex, she botches the date, and has to keep reliving the same day until she learns to embrace friendships with the people around her and, yes, kiss the blind date guy before midnight. It's like Groundhog Day and Beauty & The Beast rolled into one low-budget, talentless film. (And I didn't feel the need to give a spoiler alert warning since you probably could've figured out the end.)

As I indulged in my way-too-early-for-Christmas-and-way-too-sappy-to-watch flick, I was struck by two themes. One, Kate said a few times that she didn't want to end up alone. She felt bad for her neighbor, elderly and single. Her mom had died a few years ago and she didn't want to be like her dad, who was alone. (Which seemed odd since she started out the movie so vehemently opposed to his new wife, and also because her marrying now would certainly not guarantee that she wouldn't also face a widow situation. But I digress.)

Throughout the course of the movie, she learns to bake with her elderly neighbor, hangs out with her already best friend, gets to know a girl her own age and that girl's significant other, helps a kid from a group home keep his puppy, builds her relationship with her step-mother, and invests in other small relationships. But in the end, the only thing to keep her from this terrible fate of being "alone" is to kiss the man she goes on twelve dates with.

Here she is building wonderful friendships, but only a man can truly fill the void in her heart. Reinforcing this "singleness is a curse" mentality, this movie demonstrates that forming solid friendships is important, but you're really alone until you find a guy who will give you his jacket when you're cold. And being single is just the pits. But if you find a man who will marry you, you'll never be lonely again!

Right.

But here's the other thing. On their twelfth date, the one that finally sticks, Kate walks into the bar for her blind date with confidence. She has been changed over the past twelve days as she's gotten over her ex (because they weren't fated to be together) and let go of her life script. And her date, whose name I've already forgotten, says she's not what he was expecting, because her stepmom (who set them up) had described her as "afraid."

Now in my mind, she still was afraid—afraid of being alone. But that aside, I connected with that thought. Because although I think I often come off as strong and confident, there are a lot of things I'm afraid of. Especially when it comes to men. Each "relationship" I've had (which I can count on one hand, in all honesty) has given me a new thing to fear in whatever future one(s) may lie ahead.

I've grown a lot this year. A lot. But I know there's still more fear that I need to let go of. Here's the thing that no ABC Family Original movie will tell you, but Psalm 46:1 will, "The Lord is my refuge and strength, an ever-present help in times of trouble. Therefore I will not fear, though the earth give way and the mountains fall into the heart of the sea."

God is my strength. The reason I don't need to be afraid has nothing to do with how strong and confident I am. It has everything to do with my refuge, my strength, my help...my God.

Identity

About a month ago I met someone for the first time. As we talked she commented on how confident and sure of myself I am. She admired this quality in me.

I told her this was quite different from the me I used to be. But as I've mentioned before, I've committed this year to rediscovering my identity in Christ.

I've learned a lot about who I am through my mirror collage. I am new. I am in God's hands. I am understood. I am rich. I am fearless. I am strong. I am blessed. I am complete. I have his power. And so much more.

I've learned confidence as God has given me opportunities to step out and build my strength. Taking a self-defense class gave me confidence to know that if I can rip a guy's ear clear off his head, flick it in his face, and make him bleed from his tear ducts, I'll be OK.

I've learned that I actually enjoy exercise. Running, swimming, biking...these all help me reflect and feel energized.

I've learned to be still in God's presence, through my reflective Scripture reading and through taking yoga classes.

I've learned to abide in Christ, to breathe him in with every breath I take, to sense his constant presence around me.

I've learned what kind of styles I like as I redecorated my house.

I've learned that I don't have to live in the past or be fearful of the future. I am in God's hands and as long as I seek his will rather than following my own stubborn and foolish heart, I will be in a good place.

I'm glad this new acquaintance could see this confidence in me. She, too, is going through a divorce. I'm glad she can see the light at the end of the tunnel. That God can use this experience to shape and redefine your identity to make you completely sure of yourself because you know who you are in him.

Toothless

You know those people who dress in funny costumes and dance on the street with signs alerting you to businesses? Well, lately on the way to work I've been passing a man dressed in a Statue of Liberty costume for Liberty Tax Service. Which amuses me right off the bat because he's cross-dressing.

But ultimately, I find this guy inspiring. He's missing several of his front teeth. He's a bit unkempt. But he is one of the most enthusiastic sign twirlers I've seen. He dances and smiles with such joy, like he's so excited to have this job. And maybe he is, maybe getting a job was a big deal for him. Or maybe he's faking the enthusiasm so that they keep him on. But if he's faking, he's a good actor. Because that excitement seems totally genuine to me.

It's so easy to be self-conscious about our imperfections. Even easier to be self-conscious when you're dressed up as the Statue of Liberty and dancing on the street. But he's not. He just dances like nobody's watching. Grins like he's got a beautiful set of pearly whites. And that confidence is far more beautiful than any perfect set of teeth.