In the Midst

Yesterday I had lunch with someone who wanted to know my story of how I got to my current place of employment. I'm sure I've blogged about this before, but if so, it's been a while. And rehashing the story just reminded me how God is so present even when he doesn't seem to be.

I was at my previous employer for a little over three years. My role was primarily curriculum development, and I also led the teen helper ministry, which was a huge passion of mine. I also was in charge of conferences—not something I enjoyed.

So in March of 2008 when I learned that I would be in charge of the nursery (I can't stand babies) and losing the teen helper ministry, as well as reducing the amount of time I had to spend on curriculum development...I was crushed. Even though I also lost the conferences, which was a bright spot of the change, I was devastated to lose the teen helpers and gain a bunch of babies.

This began a very dark time in my life. I started my new position that May, and I was miserable. I quickly began to feel depressed. I couldn't sleep at night. I would regularly have to leave my desk, go to my secret hideaway at work, and curl up in a ball to cry. And I was very, very angry at God for doing this to me.

But here's the thing. I'd applied for other jobs, including one where I currently work, during my time at my old job. And while I hadn't even gotten as far as an interview in any of them, applying at those jobs made me think, "Could I really do that? Could I really leave the teen helper ministry?" I loved those teens, and letting go of that would've been really hard to justify.

So God just took it away from me. I didn't have to decide to let go, it was gone. Although that made me really angry, I can see now that he was loosening me up to prepare me for the next stage of my life. And because I had months to transition the ministry to new leadership, rather than a couple weeks, I was able to do so much more thoroughly.

As for the nursery? I'm so glad I didn't have to be there any longer than a couple months. (I put in my notice to go part time and only do curriculum about a month and a half into the nursery job.) But I did learn some things in my short time there that have applied to my current role. Even in a job that was a total square-peg-in-round-hole fit for me, God was teaching me, shaping me.

I said to my lunch buddy yesterday, "It was one of those things where I couldn't see God in the midst of it, but looking back he had such a great plan." And it's true. Everything that happened in 2008 was necessary for me to transition well to a new place in life.

When life seems dark and we don't know what on earth God is up to, he's still in the midst of it. He's probably doing something absolutely amazing, if you can just hold on.

The End

Here's something that's captured my attention: John 11:4. Upon hearing that his friend Lazarus is sick, Jesus tells his disciples, "This sickness will not end in death."

The key word being end. Because it does result in death, for a few days.

And most of the time, death is the end. So what the disciples understood, then, was probably more like, "Lazarus won't die." You've got to wonder what the disciples thought, then, when Jesus later tells then Lazarus is dead. What did that do to their faith? Did they think he was a fraud? Did they think he just didn't really know what was going to happen? He told them he was going there to wake Lazarus up, but the sleeping metaphor had already confused them. And Thomas said they should go die with him...so perhaps they just thought death was a metaphor. But what about when they got to Bethany and found out he really was dead? What was going on in their heads?

Well, we just don't know. But I can tell you that trials much less final than death often feel like the end of the world to me. So often I lose sight of hope, of the future, of God's promises. So often I don't see how they could possibly be true. How could it possibly be true that Lazarus' sickness wouldn't end in death, when here he was, dead? How could it be that God is with me when sometimes, I just don't feel like he is? How can God really be victorious over Satan when sometimes his temptations reign so strongly in my life? How can God make the impossible possible when it really feels like the end of the story?

Lazarus' story reminds us that sometimes, what we think is the end is only the middle of the story. And the real end? Just what I recently reflected on in Philippians 3: "Our citizenship is in heaven. And we eagerly await a Savior from there, Christ Jesus our Lord."

This trial, this struggle, this temptation: it's not the end. It's just the middle of a story with a fabulous, glorious ending, already written by the God of impossibilities.

Wildfire

Ever since High Park Fire started, I've been praying for it. I'm so excited to be able to say that it is now 100% contained, three weeks after it started. What an amazing accomplishment for the firefighters who tirelessly worked on it.

As I've been praying for it, I've been thinking about what lessons the fire carries with it. I reflected on James 3 one morning and it took on new meaning as I was seeing firsthand the devastation a wildfire can cause. The fact that my words can have that kind of devastating impact? Convicting.

But the thing that has really stuck with me is that rain is usually used as a metaphor for troubles. Michael W. Smith sang of the death of a loved one when he sang, "Into every life a little rain must fall, and losing one you love is like a storm." And people speak of troublesome times by saying things like, "when it rains, it pours."

And yet here I was, just praying for rain. Praying hard. On my hands and knees, begging God to send rain. And I still am - the High Park Fire may be fully contained but others still rage...and rain will help keep new fires from starting.

It finally started raining this week, during my church's VBS. Normally churches pray that it won't rain during VBS. But no one was praying that at my church this week. And when the rain interfered with our programming, the children's director thanked God for the rain and noted it was no big deal to rearrange our plans...keep the rain coming. Kids, volunteers, were dancing in the rain, standing out in it and catching it on their tongues, basking in the glory of rain. We all let out a cheer when one person got a phone alert about a flash flood warning. I'd never seen a reaction like that to rain before. Especially rain that happens during VBS.

I've always liked rain. I don't even own an umbrella because I like getting wet in the rain. But I've never realized how needed it was until now.

It kinda snuck up on me. Maybe the fire officials and such were more aware of the impending danger of our dry state. But me? I knew we hadn't gotten as much snow this winter, I guess. But my sprinkler's been keeping my lawn nice and green, my showers have been plentiful...so it just didn't feel "droughty" to me.

And then High Park Fire started. And soon others. Some by things as simple as a tire rim falling off a car and causing sparks to fly on the road. A tire rim. That's how dry it is.

And in all this I realized...if rain is a metaphor for troubles, we desperately need them. We can so easily become complacent in our faith when there's no rain falling. This was Satan's premise for testing Job. Satan believed that it was too easy for Job to worship God - everything was going well for him.

But the fact is, if we don't have troubles to test our faith, our faith becomes as dry as a forest of beetle-killed trees. And the damage that can happen when a little spark starts will destroy lives. We need the rain to keep us humble and prevent much greater destruction.

So whether you're experiencing rain in your life right now or you do in the future, remember how valuable that rain is. It might just be preventing devastation to your faith that is so great, you couldn't even imagine the damage.

"Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance." - James 1:2-3

"I pray for rain to come,
And wash away what has made me numb.
I pray for a raging storm to drown the sin in me.
And the rain comes in the nick of time,
I swallow hard 'cuz my throat's been dry.
The rain comes beating on my skin,
'til I'm washed away, nothing left within,
When your rain comes.
Your rain comes."

- PFR

Blessings

There's a song on my soundtrack that I've seen several times in people's Facebook statuses lately. It's "Blessings" by Laura Story.

The first time I heard this song was right after workcamp, when we were driving to Dan's family. I was still coming out of a depression that had arisen out of a culmination of struggles this year, the big straw being the loss of Buttercup.

And this song just got to me. The chorus goes: "What if your blessings come through raindrops? What if your healing comes through tears? What if a thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know you're near? And what if trials of this life are your mercies in disguise?"

Other lines I love: "The pain reminds us that this is not, this is not our home."
"What if my greatest disappointments, or the aching of this life, is the revealing of a greater thirst this world can't satisfy?"

It's such a great perspective. And so hard to have when you're in the midst of those raindrops and tears. I don't know how well I can hold onto the perspective of the chorus when I'm at my lowest...but I do think I can cling to the fact that it's a reminder that this is not my home. It's a reminder of the greater thirst this world can't satistfy.

We will never be satisfied with what this world has to offer. Never. Because it's not what we were made to long for.