Waiting

Lately I've noticed that I'm not a very patient person. It's not that patience is a recent struggle, just a recent conviction. Waiting has never been my forte.

So this morning I decided to find a verse in the Psalms about waiting on the Lord and reflect on it. And I found this in Psalm 37:34: "Wait for the Lord, and keep his way."

Now, as I started reflecting I was just thinking about wanting to learn to be patient for things I want to happen in my life. I wanted to think about waiting on God's timing for those things.

But God showed me something as I thought about that verse. He showed me that waiting for him doesn't mean setting my eyes on what I want and waiting for him to give it to me. It means just looking to him and seeing what he will do in my life. And keeping his way as I wait. Without my hidden agenda. Otherwise I'm not really waiting for him; I'm waiting for whatever is on my list.

And I realized something else, too. There have been times in my life when I've been waiting on God's timing for my agenda and what he ends up giving me isn't my agenda at all. It's something much better than what I thought of. If God isn't planning what I hope for, it's because he's planning something that's ultimately so much better.

Do I have it all figured out? Not remotely. Somehow I still have to figure out to let go of the agenda I cling so tightly to, to truly give it to God and wait for him, not for him to give me what I want.

God In A Box

“As for an idol, a craftsman casts it, and a goldsmith overlays it with gold and fashions silver chains for it. A man too poor to present such an offering looks for wood that will not rot. He looks for a skilled craftsman to set up an idol that will not topple.” – Isaiah 40:19-20

These verses come right after several verses that talk about God’s amazing power, his unfathomable wisdom, and how small everything—even whole nations—are to him.

And then in stark contrast, we see what an idol has to offer: a sense of us being in control. Not only do human hands have to fashion the idol, but it’s up to us to determine the idols survival. If we don’t select the right wood or balance the idol, it will rot or topple.

You don’t see a lot of literal idols today, at least not in America. I don’t know anyone who’s ever commissioned a statue to worship. But I do think we crave this same sense of control.

In the verses preceding these, we’re made to feel small. Almost insignificant. With an idol, we wouldn’t feel small at all. We’re in control. Sometimes we don’t want a god beyond our control and understanding. Even if we don’t cast a golden idol today, I think we sometimes limit our declarations of who God is and what he can do, putting him a box so we don’t feel as small and powerless.

But God is infinitely more powerful than us. Even when verses 15 and 17 talk about “all the nations,” it describes them as “worthless” and “less than nothing” in comparison to God. Think about all the power represented by the leaders of all the nations. All of them. And it’s less than nothing in God’s eyes. That’s how big he is. That’s how powerful he is.

And he won’t fit in the cast I’ve made in my mind to contain him so I can feel a sense of control.

Control

My latest passage of Scripture to reflect on is Isaiah 40:10 and on. Verses 13 and 14 have really stuck out to me.

"Who has understood the mind of the Lord,

Or instructed him as counselor?

Who did the Lord consult to enlighten him,

and who taught him the right way?"

In the movie Bruce Almighty, Bruce Nolan (Jim Carrey) isn't happy with the way his life is going. And he blames God for having a terrible plan. So God lets him take control, giving him all of his powers - and all the prayers to answer. Bruce embraces this power at first, using it selfishly. But ultimately the prayers pile up, and when none of his filing systems are effective at making a dent in the list, he just answers "yes to all." Chaos ensues.

Bruce Almighty is one of my favorite movies of all time because it demonstrates that God's power is not enough. If God was just all-powerful, but not all-knowing, the world would be just as chaotic as Bruce makes it.

And yet, I continue to forget that God doesn't need me to advise him on the best way to handle a situation. It's like going up to Michael Jordan and saying, "Hey, let me give you a tip on that lay-up shot." It's ridiculous! Who am I to instruct Michael Jordan on how to play basketball? And it's even more ridiculous to think that God needs my input on how to run the world.

He still loves to hear the desires of our hearts in our prayers. But he doesn't need us trying to take control. I definitely like to feel like I'm in control. 

When I was a kid, I remember trying out one of those amusement park attractions where you drive an old-timey car around a track. And it doesn't really matter how you steer, the car moves along the track. But I didn't realize that, and at age 8 believed I was an excellent driver, that my steering skills were keeping us from driving into the trees and fences. That's the kind of illusion of control we have when we take the steering wheel of our lives. God doesn't need us to drive...he's got it covered much better than we ever could.

Running

I started running pretty much daily back in August. My motivation was to get some exercise and stay in shape. But what I've discovered is that running is a very spiritual act for me.

It's hard to explain, really. It's just that I can sense God filling me with strength when I run. Not just strengthening my leg muscles and lung capacity, but strengthening me. There's this sense that I can do all things because he gives me strength (Philippians 4:13) that's manifested in a run. Even when I run at work while watching TV...there's still this spiritual element to it. But it's definitely stronger when I'm out on the open road, surrounded by God's creation.

For a while early on, I tried praying while I run. That didn't really work, because I found my thoughts wandering. But I discovered that even though I don't present requests while I run, it's really a prayerful time. For whatever reason, the to-do list part of my brain shuts down (and that doesn't happen a lot), and I'm just present. And it's when I'm present that I sense God's presence the most.

A week ago I got an iPod so I can listen to music while I run. This has deepened the spiritual aspect even further, the music providing a worshipful background (with the occasional Chipmunks thrown in) as I'm being strengthened by God's presence.

And today, as I rounded a corner with Peanut, I saw a fox standing on the crest of a hill. I slowed to a walk quickly, not wanting him to see Peanut as prey and chase us. And as I slowly walked past the hill, the fox and I just made eye contact, each wondering if we could trust the other. Eventually, he must've decided I wasn't trustworthy and took off. But for those few moments, I was just seeing God through this interaction with a wild creature he'd set in my path.

When people have asked me if I'm a runner, I've usually said no. I don't have much stamina and take regular walking breaks. It doesn't come naturally to me. But boy, have I come to love my morning runs in God's strength and presence.

Precisely

Accuracy has always been very important to me. I have a hard time biting my tongue instead of correcting people when they tell a story of an experience I shared and have incorrect facts. Maybe it's because my parents named me "Alison" and that means truthful. Whatever the reason, I don't like facts to be off by even a hair.

This came up at work yesterday at a birthday party for all the Group staffers born in April. It's just another wonderful thing Group does - the leaders of the company throw a party to enjoy root beer floats (or in my case, just ice cream, as I don't drink soda) and give fun prizes to the birthday staff. Before we spun the wheel to determine our prize, we had to share a favorite birthday memory.

I shared about my 17th birthday, when I was flying home after visiting Wheaton and staying with my sister. My sister had waited at the gate with me (since this was before 9/11) and after I boarded, told the stewardess it was my birthday. The pilot announced it mid-air, right around my exact birth time. So that was very fun.

But the part of the story that made Joani (one of the company owners) laugh was when I shared that since I had no ID (which was fine if you're under 18), the ticket lady asked how old I was. And I stumbled between 16 and 17 because, though it was my birthday, I hadn't passed my birth TIME. So to say I was 17 would be a lie. BUT, I would be 17 by the time the plane landed, as I was turning my new age in the air. At this, Joani chuckled and noted that I am a very precise person. (She wasn't laughing AT me, of course, just laughing because it so epitomized me.)

It was really the first time in the 11 years that have passed since that birthday that I realized the airlines didn't care what time I was born. They wouldn't have thought I was lying if I said 17. And really, they just needed to know I was under 18. I don't know why this never occurred to me, but it made me realize just how much I really do value accuracy, even when it really doesn't matter to anyone else.

I think this is a good trait for an editor. Especially an editor of Bible teaching materials. Accuracy is very important when handling and teaching God's Word to kids. I never want to be accused of twisting God's words. So I'm glad Joani helped make me more aware of how key a trait this is in me.

And if I ever correct you when you're telling a story that involves me...well...now you know why.

The Power

Yesterday I blogged about a quote from my pastor's sermon on Sunday. There was another thing that struck me from his sermon, a simple prayer (I slightly amended): "God, give me the power and skill equal to the tasks you've given me."

It struck me because I'd just interviewed for a new position at Group as Managing Editor, and was waiting to hear if I got it. It's a big task, and I knew if I got the job I'd need his power to help me lead with wisdom and grace.

Well, I found out yesterday that I got the job! Official on April 9, I am a Managing Editor. I'm so excited, and so honored to have this opportunity to help shape the amazing products Group puts out. I'm also humbled. I'm pretty young to be in a position of leadership. I know I have a lot to learn. I'm thankful I have a wealth of wise leaders to look to and learn from at Group.

But as wise as each leader at Group is, none of them is perfect. They are some of the best leaders I have ever known, but no human is without flaw. So while I'm thankful for their examples, I'm most thankful for the ultimate leader, the perfect one, who I know can equip me with the power and skill I need to do this job well.

When I wrote this prayer in my sermon journal, I wrote in parentheses "As Managing Editor? Or not yet..." I wasn't sure what God had planned for me or when, but I knew that whatever my task, whether or not it included management, I needed God's power in my life.

We'd started the sermon by shouting out attributes of God. Things like creative, loving, faithful, sovereign, powerful, big, awesome. And the fact of the matter is, it's THIS God who wants to use you. It's THIS God who will give you the power you need to do the tasks he's entrusted to you. Whatever those tasks are. He's on your side. But a vacuum cleaner won't have any power unless you plug it into the wall. And in the same way, we need to seek God's power if we really want it to infuse the tasks he's given us. Are you praying for power?

Opportunity

"Far too many people today focus on their problems, rather than their opportunities."

 - Pastor Tim Philibosian

I wrote this quote down verbatim in my sermon journal on Sunday. I absolutely love it! I've found that the kind of people I have the hardest time getting along with are the people who are determined to see the black lining of every cloud.

In reality, almost all problems are actually opportunities of some sort. Opportunities to grow. Opportunities to change.

I'm not saying it's easy to see them that way in the moment. When I went through a job change that wasn't a good fit for me, I was miserable. MISERABLE. And I didn't hide it at all. But looking back, it's so obvious how it was an opportunity. You see, it was only a few months later that I started working at Group. What I saw as a horrible circumstance was actually God loosening me up and giving me time to transition ministries I was passionate about, so that I'd be ready to go to the new opportunity he had for me.

I learned a lot from that. And I've learned to try to see what God is trying to teach me when I go through problems now. It's not always immediately evident. But if we're so focused on it being a problem, we just might miss out on the opportunity God intended it to be.

Toothless

You know those people who dress in funny costumes and dance on the street with signs alerting you to businesses? Well, lately on the way to work I've been passing a man dressed in a Statue of Liberty costume for Liberty Tax Service. Which amuses me right off the bat because he's cross-dressing.

But ultimately, I find this guy inspiring. He's missing several of his front teeth. He's a bit unkempt. But he is one of the most enthusiastic sign twirlers I've seen. He dances and smiles with such joy, like he's so excited to have this job. And maybe he is, maybe getting a job was a big deal for him. Or maybe he's faking the enthusiasm so that they keep him on. But if he's faking, he's a good actor. Because that excitement seems totally genuine to me.

It's so easy to be self-conscious about our imperfections. Even easier to be self-conscious when you're dressed up as the Statue of Liberty and dancing on the street. But he's not. He just dances like nobody's watching. Grins like he's got a beautiful set of pearly whites. And that confidence is far more beautiful than any perfect set of teeth.

Singleness of Heart

My whole life, I just wanted to get married. In college for a bit, I went to a liturgical church that always ended with a prayer about going off "with gladness and singleness of heart." And even though not dating wasn't the kind of singleness the prayer meant, I used it as a reminder to me to try to be content with no significant other. But it was always a struggle to be content with that status. It never came naturally.

Now that I'm re-single, I'm finally truly content with it. I feel so blessed, so joyful, so whole. I've finally come to a place where in the core of my being, I really get that I am whole without a man.

I never used to enjoy solitude. I always fell right in the middle on introvert/extrovert tests, because I hated being alone and I hated being in big groups. One-on-one was my sweet spot. And while I still prefer one-on-one time to groups, I've discovered that being alone is pretty enjoyable. Refreshing.

I've enjoyed the time to just sit with God, to let him redefine me as the me he created me to be. And I enjoy the company of my puppies. I think one reason it's hard for me to make friends is because Peanut and Biscuit set standards too high for any human to compete with. They always get so excited to see me, are delighted to spend time with me, think I'm the greatest person ever to live, and are intrigued when I talk to them. Every time. And is there anything as heart-warming as a tail wag at your very approach? What human would ever love me like that?

But despite realizing that I'm more introverted than I used to think, I'm challenging myself to get out of my comfort zone and try to build friendships. I know that solitude is good, but not a place to perpetually be. We are made for community. Community with humans, not just puppies.

And I've realized I have some fears about the possibility of future relationships. About a month ago I started talking about Tim Tebow as a big crush. It wasn't even so much that I had a crush on him, it was that he felt safe. Because I knew that I'd probably never meet him, and the chances of any kind of relationship with him were astronomical. But, as a strong Christian man, around my age, he was a good pick. So it felt safe for me to talk about dating him because I knew I'd never have to face my fears and actually do it.

As for facing those fears? If and when God brings another man into my life, I know he'll help me conquer those fears. With most of my crushes, I've done a lot of manipulating of situations to try to make a relationship happen, and I'm done with that. God's got full reign of my love life (or lack thereof) from here on out. So if he sends a guy for me, I know he'll help me knock all those fears down. And if he doesn't? That's OK. I'll go forth with gladness and singleness of heart.

Gossip

When Dan and I were engaged, we learned that there was a rumor going around about us. Not knowing what it was, we assumed the worst.  When we learned the rumor, it was so silly it was almost laughable. Except that this silly, petty rumor had destroyed some relationships.

The rumor was about one of the families who offered to host Dan when he moved to Wisconsin. He got two offers: one was a family that had a rec-room downstairs with a fold out couch and said they'd love to have his help cooking; the other was a family that had a spare bedroom and didn't say anything about chores. He opted for the latter so that he wouldn't feel like he was intruding on the family's open space long term.

Well, the rumor was that Dan had chosen the second family because he didn't want to have to do chores. Not only was that not the case, but I'm pretty sure the cooking comment had been a joke in the first place.

It was so silly. So not "the worst" we'd been thinking. And yet, even such a silly little rumor as that caused damage. My guess is that someone made a joke along the lines of, "He probably just didn't want to cook" (said in a laughing voice), and someone took it as fact, and from there it spread. It's not that anyone meant to make up a lie (I'm guessing), it was probably rooted in miscommunication.

Gossip is so hard to stop. I know for me, it's so hard not to participate. Even if I'm not the one re-telling it, there's something within me that just can't wait to hear that tasty morsel of gossip when someone offers. I know that what I should do when someone starts to tell me a rumor is say, "Please don't tell me, I'd rather not hear rumors." But what I actually do most of the time is lean forward and perk up my ears.

So, now that I'm in a situation where I could easily be the brunt of a juicy rumor, it's hard not to wonder what people are saying about me. Especially in a church, which seems to attract gossip like sugar attracts ants. What are the things being said about why my marriage ended? What are the things being said about where I stand now? Having heard some things (rumors have a way of getting back around to the victim), I've realized afresh how hurtful and untrue gossip can be. And I'm more convicted than ever not to be a part of gossiping about another person.