Fear

In Exodus 32, the Israelites make a golden calf for an idol, even though God had just rescued them from Egypt and parted the Red Sea so they could escape the ensuing army.

And God gets mad.

He tells Moses the people are stiff-necked and he is going to destroy them. Moses pleads for God to spare them, and he does.

This anger makes total sense to me. They're worshipping an idol, unashamedly engaging in pagan practices even as God meets with their leader to create a covenant. Of course God would be angry. They've betrayed him.

Then I read Numbers 14. An almost identical scene—God gets mad and tells Moses he's going to destroy the Israelites. Moses pleads, and God relents.

Why did God get mad this time? Not because of an idol. Because of fear. The Israelites had sent a few spies into the Promised Land and gotten mixed reviews, so they decide it would be better to go back to Egypt. They decide to appoint a new leader, maybe even kill Moses, and head back.

It struck me as I read this that God got just as mad about the Israelites letting fear hold them back as he did about them worshipping an idol. In fact, fear is a form of idolatry. It's a way of saying, "Sure, God is powerful but this thing that I'm afraid of is more powerful."

The fact is, what God had for the Israelites was so much better than the alternative they wanted to go back to! They had so much more to fear heading back to Egypt than heading into the Promised Land. But Egypt was known—they could rely on themselves. Heading into the Promised Land was unknown, and they had to trust God to get them through it.

I've never worshipped a golden calf. But I have let fear keep me from doing what I know God has for me. I have chosen the path that seems easier, just because I know it and can trust in myself. And that hurts God just as much as worshipping a golden calf.

Scripted

I've written before about my realization upon re-reading Psalm 139:16 that God is a better writer than me. But I'm seeing some ways God has helped me grow to more than just head knowledge of that.

There's this scene in the movie Must Love Dogs where John Cusack's character and his buddy are talking about women. And it goes like this.

"I think women have the whole thing planned. Really, the whole thing. An epic narrative in their heads. You know my theory about this? When you meet, they have the whole story written. But you don't get to read it. But if you go off script..."

"...right? They write you out of the story."

I saw that movie years ago and laughed at that dialogue because I recognized it as truth in my life. And I thought about it more recently as I reflected on how God is a better writer than me.

I used to have a script for my whole life. When I'd get married, what kind of job I'd have, when I'd switch to a different job, how each day would go...everything. Every aspect of my life was scripted out in my head, a carefully planned agenda (that never seemed to stay on script anyway). And I would do whatever I could to keep things on script.

And I recently realized it's been a long time since I've had a script. I mean sure, I plan out what I hope to accomplish in a day, but I don't try to foresee every little detail. I have no five-year plan. I have no one-year plan, even. I've always struggled with living in the present until one day I realized I was doing it! God changed me so gradually, so subtly, that I began to write less and less of my life script and leave that to him.

And that has led to a lot more peace and contentment than I ever had when I had a script.

I'm sure I'll face temptation to pick up my scripting pen again at some point (or several). But I hope when that temptation comes, this peace and contentment will help me keep the pen on the table and trust in God.

Planning a New Year

I entered 2012 full of hope and plans for what the year would hold for me. Dan had just moved out and I was optimistic about what my future would hold. And I had very specific plans in mind for my year.

Well, 2012 certainly did not disappoint in terms of my hopefulness and optimism, at least on a personal level. While the year was terrible for many friends who lost loved ones, and for my state as we faced numerous wildfires and the Aurora movie theater shooting, for me it was probably the best year of my life to date.

But the specific plans I had didn't come to pass the way I'd anticipated. I was so confident that these things would be a part of my 2012, when in fact God was ready to bless me in so many other ways.

2012 was a year of abundance. Tremendous healing and growth. Unparalleled closeness to God. A promotion. A facelift for my home. God's calling to new ministry areas. Looking back on the year, there's nothing in my life I'd change.

I enter 2013 a totally different person than I was a year ago. I'm so much more aware of who I am. I'm so much more aware of how to capitalize on my strengths and cope with my weaknesses. I've found the healing I was so hopeful 2012 would bring, and now I look forward with eager expectation to see what God will do with my repaired heart.

But unlike last year, I don't go in with specific plans. This year, my resolution is to simply wait and see what God is going to do—to take it as it comes whether or not I like it at the time. My resolution is to stop banking on my plans for my life—to not even make those plans. I trust his plans, and I know that all my planning doesn't amount to much anyway.

Over the summer God gave me these words: "Trust me" and "just wait." I want these words to be the theme of 2013. I want to trust God, rather than my own plans, and just wait to see what awesome things he'll do through me and with me.

Control

My latest passage of Scripture to reflect on is Isaiah 40:10 and on. Verses 13 and 14 have really stuck out to me.

"Who has understood the mind of the Lord,

Or instructed him as counselor?

Who did the Lord consult to enlighten him,

and who taught him the right way?"

In the movie Bruce Almighty, Bruce Nolan (Jim Carrey) isn't happy with the way his life is going. And he blames God for having a terrible plan. So God lets him take control, giving him all of his powers - and all the prayers to answer. Bruce embraces this power at first, using it selfishly. But ultimately the prayers pile up, and when none of his filing systems are effective at making a dent in the list, he just answers "yes to all." Chaos ensues.

Bruce Almighty is one of my favorite movies of all time because it demonstrates that God's power is not enough. If God was just all-powerful, but not all-knowing, the world would be just as chaotic as Bruce makes it.

And yet, I continue to forget that God doesn't need me to advise him on the best way to handle a situation. It's like going up to Michael Jordan and saying, "Hey, let me give you a tip on that lay-up shot." It's ridiculous! Who am I to instruct Michael Jordan on how to play basketball? And it's even more ridiculous to think that God needs my input on how to run the world.

He still loves to hear the desires of our hearts in our prayers. But he doesn't need us trying to take control. I definitely like to feel like I'm in control. 

When I was a kid, I remember trying out one of those amusement park attractions where you drive an old-timey car around a track. And it doesn't really matter how you steer, the car moves along the track. But I didn't realize that, and at age 8 believed I was an excellent driver, that my steering skills were keeping us from driving into the trees and fences. That's the kind of illusion of control we have when we take the steering wheel of our lives. God doesn't need us to drive...he's got it covered much better than we ever could.