Step-by-step

Today I climbed Grey Rock with Peanut. Well, most of Grey Rock. I confess that I didn't make it quite all the way up. I was darn close, but the sky was getting gray and the wind was getting strong, and I was concerned about the unblocked wind on the summit and its effects my little 10-pound companion. Plus I was tired. (I'd say dog-tired, but Peanut was trucking along no problem from start to finish...)

Dan and I climbed Grey Rock once. We thought we made it to the summit, so we had a snack and turned around. Then when we got back down and saw the map, we thought there was just a little more and we hadn't quite made it. So I was using that as a guide of how long today's hike would take. Just a little longer.

Wrong. Turns out the trail we were hiking takes you up to a high point of one section of the mountain, then back down, through a meadow, and up the real peak. So what we thought was the second trail joining up with the first was actually the descent to the meadow. Oopsies.

All this to say, today's hike took a lot more time and energy than I expected. And when I got to the part where I decided to turn around, I was wishing for a helicopter to come whisk me back to my red armchair. I thought I'd be done around 2; I turned around at 1:50. So I was ready to be done but had a long descent in front of me.

For a while all I could think about was being in my red chair. But that was depressing me, so I thought about the milestones ahead. Reaching my car. And when that got depressing, reaching the point where the two paths split. But ultimately my problem was that I kept trying to guess how far along the path I was. Was I half way yet? And since I had no pedometer or altimeter or any other-meter device to tell me that, it was frustrating when I'd realize time was passing and I hadn't reached any of my milestones yet. And my legs were sore, my back was tired, and my toes felt like they were swollen and bleeding (they weren't). And I had to pee a little bit.

That's when I decided to change my focus. I decided to just keep thinking about putting one foot in front of the other. Because if I did that enough, I'd eventually get to my milestones and be in my red chair. But in the mean time, I'd enjoy the journey more. And it worked! The hike from there was less painful and just easier.

That's what faith is about. So often I try to write my own story. I focus on my next major milestone or where I want to end up, and try to think about how soon it might come. But sometimes I need to slow down, enjoy the journey, and just focus on taking the next step. Because as clueless as I was to how far I was on that path, I'm even more clueless when it comes to my future. I don't even know what the milestones will be, much less when they'll happen.

That's the summit, or pretty close to it. I didn't zoom or anything. I was so close!!

2011 In Review

The past year was a roller coaster of emotions in my life. I mean, I'm all for real roller coasters. Millenium Force? Bring it. And I went on that this year too. But the roller coaster of 2011 is one I'm glad to get off, and hope I didn't line up to ride it again in 2012.

I guess the roller coaster really started at the end of 2010, when my Dad had to have emergency heart surgery, followed by an induced coma for over a week as he recovered. Sitting in the hospital for a week, wondering if he'd ever get well enough to be awoken, seemed a lot longer than a week. Wondering if, when he did wake up, his memories and brain functioning would be fully in tact. It was very trying. But at the same time, looking back, there are pieces of it I miss. Our family grew a lot closer during that time. I worked some from the hospital, and one of my sisters left for a few days to go back to her job in Connecticut, but mostly it was just a time to focus on supporting each other and praying for my Dad.

Ringing in 2011 was great. It marked one month since December 1st, when my Dad had his surgery. And they said after one month he was out of the biggest risk zone. What a great way to celebrate the new year! I also rang in the new year by winning a Macbook at my company's Bombastic Bingo Bash. Also great!

But within a few weeks the year had taken an unwanted twist. I survived a big layoff at my job. And while I was grateful to keep my job, I lost a lot of my closest friends and co-workers. Since the layoff, I've stayed in touch with some of them, but it hasn't been the same. And I was also filled with angst and uncertainty about my own job. I had a new supervisor, new responsibilities, and a whole lot more on my plate than I'd had before. Without the support of my closest co-workers, I didn't know if I could handle it. 

Fast forward to March. A high: we got a new puppy! Biscuit was a great addition to the family, and a definite "oops puppy." When will I learn that it is not a good idea to stop by a pet store "just to play with the puppies"? And even though I love him like crazy now, there was a little bit of mourning when we got him. Mourning for the special bond I had with Peanut. Buttercup and I had a bond that was more on a soul-level. We just understood each other. But Peanut and I, our bond was based on the fun we had together. Now with Biscuit in the way, I was sad to lose those special moments with just her.

The day after we got Biscuit, the roller coaster came to a big drop: Peanut had to go to the ER vet for unstoppable vomiting. And after a day in the ER, we had to make the call for her to have stomach surgery. It was scary and I wondered if she would come out of it OK. 

She did, but the next couple of weeks were quite trying. We had a house-training puppy who didn't know how to use the stairs yet, a recovering-from-surgery dog who was nuts but wasn't supposed to be running or jumping, and an older dog on five different medicines. Midnight potty runs, constant monitoring, preparing three different kinds of food; it felt a bit like having a real baby. It was exhausting.

And little did I know those few weeks would be the last for one very special member of our family. In April, we lost Buttercup when her heart just gave out. For me, this was the final emotional straw. Buttercup had been a part of my life since my freshman year of high school. And like I said above, she and I connected on such a deep level. When she died, I felt like a part of me died. 

The year continued without any major life changes for a while, until a happy event in October: I got a promotion at work! I was (and still am) excited for this new opportunity to grow in my career at Group.

But something else happened in October, later that week: Dan and I decided to get a divorce. For some of you, this may come as news. It wasn't a shock to us; it was a mutual decision made after years of trying to deal with the problems in our marriage. But after one more stab at counseling failed, we realized we were both done. 

November and December were a bit awkward for us both as we continued to live together. At the end of December, Dan moved out. And so I began 2012 with only one family member who'd rung in 2011 with me: Peanut. In 2011 I gained Biscuit and lost Dan and Buttercup. 

I learned a lot in 2011. Humility, grace, gratitude, selflessness. But the thing that really sticks out is summed up in this verse: "Many are the plans in a person's heart, but it is the Lord's purpose that prevails" (Proverbs 19:21).

All the planning in the world couldn't have prepared me for what 2011 would bring, good and bad. But unlike in the past when unexpected twists have made me angry at God, I've felt like 2011 brought me closer than ever to him. As life made its ups and downs, I clung to the fact that my life is in his hands. I cling to him daily, and he has filled me with so much joy and peace despite everything.

Was it an easy year? No. But easy years don't yield nearly the spiritual fruit that this year did. God's plans are good for our hearts, even if they come with tears along the way. (But like I said in the intro...I'm still hoping I'm off this ride for 2012!)