Cheese Bridge

Today I kept thinking about the Cheese Bridge.

The Cheese Bridge is this bridge near where I grew up that was a railroad bridge back in the day. By the time I came around, it was just a rusted piece of metal. It wasn't a functional bridge, even for walking, as it was just a frame suspended over a shallow river.

And yet somehow, someone graffitied the word "CHEESE" on it. Through the years, other graffiti would come and go - the more typical initials or profanities - or the paint would fade - but someone would always come back and spray paint CHEESE again. And so it became known as the Cheese Bridge. In fact, you can google map "Cheese Bridge" and it comes up!

And then a couple years ago, the town was expanding a bike path over the old railroad tracks, and the got to the Cheese Bridge. They added railings and a bottom so you could walk on it, and they painted it a nice shade of green. My dad says they must've put at least four coats of paint on that bridge, trying to cover up the word CHEESE.

But you can still see it. It'd been spray painted so many times in the same place that it had taken on a somewhat 3-D effect. The layers of paint that had built up to spell CHEESE just pop out no matter how many coats of paint they put on. It's all green, but you can see CHEESE protruding.

I was thinking about this because when I think about leaving a legacy, I want to be like that word CHEESE. I never wanted to be famous. I'm okay if no one remembers my name after I die. Some people struggle with the idea that they'll be forgotten, but that doesn't bother me. No one knows who painted the word CHEESE, or even if it was the same person every time. More likely, various people just kept the tradition going.

And that's how I want my life to be. Even if no one knows that I was the one who left the legacy, I want to help shape the future for the better. I want to leave a legacy that continues, to live a life worth of other people following in my footsteps so that one day, no amount of paint can cover over that legacy.

Finding the Best Dog Food

I recently embarked on a journey to find a better dog food for my dogs, Peanut and Biscuit. I've spent a lot of time researching, and because I am a nerd, I felt I had to write a paper about my research...or at least a blog. I hope it can be a helpful summary to anyone interested in exploring canine dietary options.

**Disclaimer: I'm just a dog owner with a computer, not a dog nutritionist.**

I've tried to make this blog really thorough with all the information I'd been seeking when I began my research project. The downside is, that made it really long. Feel free to navigate to just sections that interest you. For the short version, skip down to "In Summary."

MY HISTORY

My journey began when the news broke about the class-action lawsuit against Beneful dog food. I was feeding Peanut and Biscuit Beneful at the time, it was what they'd eaten their whole lives, and they were doing just fine.

Or were they?

Because they were vomiting at least once a week, last July I started mixing a spoonful of chicken or turkey Beechnut baby food in with their food. This had reduced their vomiting down to practically nothing. Chicken and turkey baby food can help aid digestion, and while not good for the whole diet, mixing it in seemed to do the trick. But the Beneful alone wasn't all that digestible.

And then I thought back to March 2011. Peanut started throwing up a LOT. Within the span of a couple hours, she threw up four times. I took her to the ER vet around 10 pm, and they did an x-ray of her stomach. There wasn't really any food left in there, so she shouldn't be throwing up anymore. They inserted this fluid pack under her skin to keep her hydrated, and we went back home. But by the middle of the night she'd thrown up 17 times. And it was starting to come out both ends. I took her back to the vet. And there she stayed, on an IV to prevent de-hydration and to try to calm her stomach, continually throwing up even though there was nothing left to throw up.

I spent as much time as I could with her there on the couch in a room at the vet's. Piddle pad under her because sometimes even in her sleep stuff would start coming out. At one point stuff leaked out on my pants but I just stayed there comforting her. They thought there must be a blockage in her stomach, and if she didn't have surgery it could kill her. So $2500 later, they'd cut her stomach open to determine no blockage. It must be a reaction to food.

Despite the surgery not really accomplishing anything, she did start to get better and was able to come home. I started her off with rice and baby food, gradually mixing Beneful back in. And she was fine, until I started giving her treats again (I was using Petsmart brand treats, I'm not sure of the name). So I stopped giving her those treats. Compared the ingredients list between that and Beneful, and narrowed it down to likely an allergy or intolerance to garlic. I've avoided garlic since, and she's been fine.

And then there was Buttercup. 

Buttercup was my dog who died about three weeks after Peanut got really sick. She was 12 years old, but a miniature poodle's average lifespan is 15-17 years, so she wasn't that old. Still, she'd had ongoing health problems that were being treated effectively with medication. And then one day, I woke up at 5 am to find her straining to breathe...really bad. The vet said her heart was pumping blood into her lungs. She couldn't eat, couldn't drink. We had to put her down that day.

But as I reviewed the symptoms on that list of Beneful concerns, I realized Buttercup had had a lot of them. One of the medications she was on was to help her breathe, because even before that day she would pant really hard. She had always thrown up a lot, which I attributed to her just having a "sensitive stomach." But was it her food? If I'd fed her something higher quality, would she have lived longer? Not been so sick? After all, Beneful only has a 1-star rating on dogfoodadvisor.com.

And one time I mixed it with some water and put it in the microwave to soften it, and it was shooting off sparks in the microwave. Does it have metal pieces in it?

Beneful denies their food has any problems. Maybe they're right. But I decided I wasn't going to take a chance with my dogs' health anymore.

EXPLORING THE OPTIONS

When I found out about Beneful's issues, I decided to switch the dogs. But I didn't want to spend an exorbitant amount of money on dog food. A 15 lb bag of Beneful ($16 with tax) was lasting me about 60 days, plus .50 a day for the baby food. That broke down to about $23 a month to feed both dogs. I said I'd be willing to double that, but not much more.

When I first googled "natural dog foods" I found The Honest Kitchen website. The costs were astronomical. If that's what it took to feed my dog fancy not-off-the-shelf stuff, it was out. So I gave up looking at those and just tried to find the best quality off-the-shelf kibble.

A friend recommended Blue Buffalo. Blue gets 4 stars on dogfoodadvisor.com. It boasts that its first ingredient is always meat, never grains. It's human-grade. And I found a deal on the Healthy Weight Small Breed kibble for $31 for a 15 lb bag with Amazon Prime. I figured if they could actually digest it I wouldn't need the baby food, and my monthly cost would actually go DOWN to $15.50. Additionally, I found a site indicating that the FDA received half as many complaints for Blue Buffalo in a YEAR as Beneful got in a MONTH.

Between the high-rating, the quality, and the cost, I was sold. I started the switch.

But then Biscuit had a vet appointment. And the vet asked what I was feeding him. I told her I was in the process of switching from Beneful to Blue Buffalo. She wasn't a fan of Blue Buffalo. She said it's too expensive for the level of quality it offers, and it hasn't been tested as much as a brand like Purina or Science Diet (2.5 on dogfoodadvisor).

I was frustrated. I'd just switched them FROM Purina. She said Purina has better kinds than Beneful, like Pro Plan (2.5 on dogfoodadvisor). She also recommended Royal Canin (2.5) or Iams (3). Blue Buffalo also offers grain-free food (though I wasn't getting that kind), and she said the whole grain-free movement is unnecessary. So I started to question Blue Buffalo, but I still wasn't sold on typical-brand kibble, so I didn't evaluate those. Though I did see many comments online speculating that vets are paid to promote Science Diet.

My vet also noted that Blue Buffalo's proud claim that it has no animal by-product is a bit inflated. Animal by-product doesn't necessarily mean beaks and claws, it generally means hearts and livers - good protein sources for dogs. Plus, I found this article about a lawsuit against Blue Buffalo for false advertising on that. And this one, too.

So I headed out to Doggy Dips & Chips, a local mom-and-pop that sells more holistic kibbles, none of the mainstream brands. I asked for recommendations, and they gave me a few samples: Fromm, and three flavors of Pulsar (fish, chicken, turkey). However, Pulsar is grain-free...which my vet had railed against not 15 minutes earlier.

I took home the samples and got out some paper plates. Divided them into six sections and labeled each one: Beneful, Blue Buffalo, Fromm, Pulsar Fish, Pulsar Chicken, Pulsar Turkey. And I decided to do a massive taste test.

THE GRAND EXPERIMENT

Peanut was my first test subject. She has this idea that I am slowly starving her to death. She's always hungry. So her test lasted about one minute, and I'm not totally sure there was any method to the order in which she ate the kibbles or if she was just gobbling up whatever she saw first. But her preference order was: Pulsar fish, Pulsar turkey, Pulsar chicken, Fromm/Beneful (she ate those at the same time before finishing one or the other), Blue Buffalo. Interesting to me that Blue was her last choice.

Then came Biscuit's turn. Biscuit is my picky eater. He has a history of picking out the "reject" kibbles that don't meet his standards, as you can see above. His test took almost 30 minutes. He carefully sniffed each option and was very intentional about his choices. First, he chose the Pulsar fish, just as Peanut had chosen. But he spit out every piece. Then he chose a piece of Fromm, spit that out, and returned to the Pulsar fish, which he ate all four pieces of (with a lot of spitting out and picking back up along the way). Next he finished up the Fromm, with minimal spitting out. Then he went for the Pulsar turkey, spit all those out, Pulsar chicken, spit all those out, and went back to the Pulsar turkey and ate it. After he finished up the Pulsar chicken, he wouldn't even touch Beneful or Blue Buffalo.

Pulsar doesn't come in small breed/small bite, and I think that's why he kept spitting them out. He liked the flavor but the kibble size was hard for him to handle. 

GRAIN-FREE PROS AND CONS

Now knowing the dogs both had a preference for Pulsar Fish (which has a 4.5 star rating on dogfoodadvisor), I decided to do more digging into this whole grain-free movement my vet wasn't so fond of. And let me tell you, it is controversial. There are a lot of opinions about it. But this is the article that really struck me. (Also of note: dogfoodadvisor.com is pro-grain-free, so take that into account in the way they rate grain-free foods.)

In all my reading, most of which was in support of grain-free, several cons stood out with grain-free food.

• Grain-free does NOT mean carb-free. Often the replacement carbs are not very good for dogs and can cause health issues (however, Pulsar did not have this problem).
• Dogs lose weight too rapidly, you end up having to feed them much more than the bag recommends. (I'd priced out Pulsar at $18 per 8.8 lb bag at Doggy Dips & Chips, which ends up being $15/month, but it seemed like that could double based on some of the reviews.)
• It can cause an unhealthy increase in bowel movements.
• It is not as good for joints & muscles...and Biscuit is already a rather floppy dog prone to back injury.

Grain-free is trendy right now (in human food too!), but many people think it's good because of potential dog allergies. In fact, my vet said dog allergies are more often to certain types of meats than they are to grains. This article says the same thing.

I should mention that also in this research, I found out there had been a recall on Blue Buffalo food in 2010 and another in 2013. Plus, I saw that consumer affairs listed 979 complaints for Blue Buffalo, and fewer (838) for Beneful. This definitely concerned me and took that one off the table. But Pulsar didn't seem to be a valid option either due to my concerns about grain-free. I kept digging.

HOMEMADE DOG FOOD

What I'd really wanted all along was to find something like the food guide pyramid, but for dogs. In my head there'd be a pyramid for each size range of dogs. I'd pick the 10-20 lb. pyramid and it would say, feed your dog 1-2 servings of grains, 3-4 servings of meat, 2-3 servings of veggies, or whatever the ratio should be. Then, it would have a list of things that fit into each category and what a serving was for that size dog. So it would tell me 1 serving of brown rice is 1/4 cup (if it is). I thought I'd like to make my own dog food, but I didn't know how to balance it, and a tool like that would help me do it and offer variety to my dogs.

After all, at one point Buttercup or Peanut had done this:

My dogs wanted real meat!

The blog I referred to above in my grain-free research was on drharveys.com, which sells dog food mixes. This sounded interesting. 

Dr. Harvey's Oracle was too expensive, right off the bat. (It includes meat.) So I didn't look into that too much. But the Canine Health sounded a lot like what I was looking for with that food guide pyramid.

Basically, it's everything a dog needs in a balanced diet except meat. You add your own meat, either raw or cooked depending on your preference. (I'm in camp "Cooked" because of the bacteria risks. But note that if you are using meat with bones, cooked bone can be dangerous.) It tells you exactly how much meat to add (along with water and oil) to balance out the mix. It was make-your-own but even easier!

So, to evaluate costs, I headed out to price out meat. (As you explore meat, it may be a good idea to be mindful of humanely-raised meat issues.) This is what I found for prices in my area:

- Steaks (pretty expensive, a rare treat): $6.50-$7 per pound

- Ground beef: $5.98/pound

- Chicken thighs: $2.83/pound/Chicken hearts, gizzards, and livers: $1.27/pound. These are good protein sources and much cheaper. My plan is for chicken week to have a combination of thighs, hearts, gizzards, and livers, bringing the cost per pound to $1.79.

- Ground turkey: $3.18/pound

- Frozen salmon: $3.97/pound

              (Side note on fish: I read some things about tuna having too high a mercury content to be a main meat source in a dog's diet. I give them the occasional tuna treat, but do not recommend it for these purposes. For salmon, it should never be fed raw.)

- Eggs: $1.45/pound

- Tofu: $1.98/pound

- Kidney beans, pinto beans, and lentils: averages out to $1.38/pound

(Other protein options include duck, lamb, venison, rabbit, but I didn't include those because of cost and/or lack of availability at my regular grocery store.  Some people feed their dogs vegan diets, avoiding the meat altogether, but I am a firm believer that meat is important for dogs. That's why I plan to rotate in some of the non-meat proteins but not use them exclusively or rely on them too heavily.)

Dr. Harvey's requires 6 oz of meat per 1 lb serving. My dogs would each need 1/4 lb serving per day, so that 1 lb serving would last me two days. Based on that I calculated I'd need 1.3 lbs of meat per week. Taking an average of all those meat costs besides steak (since I'm planning to rotate the other seven), I calculated .52 per day for meat costs for both dogs. Additionally, there'd be a .15 cost per day for flax seed oil, which has its own share of awesome health benefits including blood pressure and metabolism regulation, kidney and arterial health, better skin and coat, and improved immune system - with speculation it helps prevent cancer. It's also a good anti-inflammatory if you have older dogs prone to arthritis (or floppy Biscuits prone to back injury). The mix itself would be .58 per day. All this adds up to $1.26 per day or $37.69 per month. Now remember, I'd originally been willing to spend up to double of my $23/month on Beneful and baby food. So I was under that mark, AND it was an opportunity to feed my dogs a truly natural and varied diet.

I should also note, Dr. Harvey's Canine Health isn't rated on dogfoodadvisor, but his Oracle is and receives a 5 star rating. And while I was on his website, Biscuit stepped on my computer and added it to cart 9 times. So it seems he thinks highly of it. :)

Also of note, Dr. Harvey is reportedly a chiropractor, not a veterinarian, but his website boasts 30 years of research in dog nutrition. He did get in trouble in 1998 for illegal practice of veterinary medicine. So take that as you wish. To me it doesn't trump the 30 years of research, nor the rave reviews.

Now knowing dog food mixes existed, I found some other ones. U-Stew came out to $85.77 a month, and Furoshnikov's was $58.11. Both well over the anticipated cost for Dr. Harvey's. Plus, Furoshnikov's doesn't contain as many of the ingredients other than meat - you have to add your own rice and vegetables, which I had factored into the cost but that's also more work.

IN SUMMARY

Because of my inner-nerdiness and love of spreadsheets, all of this math, along with the pros and cons, is reflected in a spreadsheet.

Remember, my cost estimates are based on feeding two 12-15 pound dogs. If you're using this to gauge your approximate costs, please bear in mind that they would be accurate for two of that size dog or one 25-30 lb dog. Otherwise, multiply or divide as needed.

BENEFUL

Beneful pros: My dogs were already on it

Beneful cons: Under scrutiny as possibly killing dogs and making others very sick. May have contributed to Buttercup's sickness and death. Not digestible on its own, needed to be combined with baby food. 1 star on dogfoodadvisor.

Monthly cost with baby food: $23

Tested to meet AAFCO guidelines? Yes, per dogfoodadvisor and packaging.

Verdict: Not worth considering

BLUE BUFFALO

Blue Buffalo pros: Among highest rated of standard-brand dry kibble. Mostly good reviews. 4 stars on dogfoodadvisor. Easy to get and scoop.

Blue Buffalo cons: Vet did not approve, not well-tested, had recalls in 2010 and 2013. Contains garlic which is controversial, especially in light of Peanut's issues.

Tested to meet AAFCO guidelines? Yes, per dogfoodadvisor and packaging.

Monthly cost: $15.50

Verdict: A better choice than Beneful for sure, but not as good as other choices

FROMM

Fromm pros: I didn't talk about Fromm a lot here, but let me say that it was Biscuit's second choice. Although it doesn't come in small bite, the kibbles are reasonably-sized for small dogs. Rating of 4 on dogfoodadvisor. Holistic, natural food. Not grain-free.

Fromm cons: Not as highly rated as Pulsar, more expensive per bag, and bigger portions needed. 

Tested to meet AAFCO guidelines? Yes, per dogfoodadvisor.

Monthly cost: Did not calculate

Verdict: Seems to be a reasonable choice, but it didn't satisfy me for the price per bag.

PULSAR

Pulsar pros: Dogs' top choice in my kibble taste test, all-natural, uses healthy carb sources even though it is grain-free. 4.5 on dogfoodadvisor.

Pulsar cons: I still have other concerns with grain-free, doesn't come in small bite, hard for Biscuit to manage. Single-source protein is not as good for the overall diet.

Tested to meet AAFCO guidelines? Yes, per dogfoodadvisor.

Monthly cost: $15 (if the recommended serving size is actually enough)

Verdict: If I didn't have the concerns about the grain-free, I'd be more inclined to get this one. Although it's probably the best among the four options discussed so far, it ends up being the cheapest cost. But the grain-free left me unsatisfied.

DR. HARVEY'S

Dr. Harvey's pros: Truly natural diet, allows for variety, well-balanced. 5 stars on dogfoodadvisor. Most affordable of all dog-food mixes.

Dr. Harvey's cons: It's the most work (though still pretty easy for make-your-own). I can freeze portions ahead if I'm out of town, but it's still more work for sitters to remember to thaw it as opposed to scooping kibbles. It's far more expensive than any kibble options pursued.

Tested to meet AAFCO guidelines? Yes, per dogfoodadvisor.

Monthly cost: $43.63

Verdict: It's the direction I've tentatively decided to go, got my first pack on order to confirm the dogs like it and it digests well. I can't imagine they won't like it since it's basically people food!

Note: Dr. Harvey's is available on amazon.com as well as directly from drharveys.com. On Amazon it is about the same cost (only .71 cheaper for the 5 lb bag), but you get free shipping with Prime.

OTHER

Other mixes explored: U-Stew, Furoshnikov's, The Honest Kitchen

Reason didn't pursue: Too expensive

For more reviews, check out this link.

ALSO CHECK OUT

Also, if you're interested in purely homemade with no mixes, I did end up finding something kind of like what I wanted for the doggy food guide pyramid, here. Though now that I know about Dr. Harvey's, my hunch is that the cost wouldn't be that much less to totally make your own - and a lot more work.

Pet MD has an article on things to consider when choosing dog food. This article also notes some things I've mentioned about grains and by-products.

One last article, ranking the different types of dog diets from 1-13. Please note that an unbalanced homemade diet is the WORST, so don't do it unless you're committed to balancing it right.

DR. HARVEY'S RECEPTION

I've read all the reviews on Amazon (for all sizes of bag), and not one of the less-than-five-star reviews expresses health concerns. (And there are very few non-five-star reviews anyway.) Mostly it's dogs who won't eat it (which is quickly determined) or difficulty of prep (which I'm committed to). A lot of reviewers had dogs that had major health problems before switching to Dr. Harvey's, and were totally fine on Dr. Harvey's.

For my dogs, their immediate reaction was great! They couldn't believe this food I cooked up was for THEM! The only problem I encountered was that I mixed in half kibbles and did a half portion, to try to transition them. Biscuit was picking out his kibbles and making a mess everywhere. He didn't want anything but the good stuff! (I was afraid of that...) Biscuit's fur around his mouth did not turn pink like one reviewer had said happened to her dog.

Here are some pictures of them enjoying their first Dr. Harvey's meal (chicken is the protein I used). You can see Biscuit's rejected kibbles on the floor, and Peanut trying to snarfle them up.

Since my dogs weren't deathly ill even before Dr. Harvey's, I knew I wouldn't have some of the dramatic testimonies other people did about the difference Dr. Harvey's made. But here are some things I've noticed:

1) LESS SMELLY. HUGE decrease in Peanut's stink bombs - and let me tell you she had a way of letting them rip before! On Day 4 I realized I hadn't smelled a single one since I started the switch! Also, Biscuit's fur continues to remain white. 

2) MORE ENERGY. They've had an increase in energy (healthy eating will do that for you). They've always had their "crazy time" in the evening but the night I switched them it lasted extra long and they were still kind of restless afterwards. So I've started taking them on 1-2 15-minute walks a day. Which isn't THAT much time to invest and, let's face it, will help all three of our health. 

3) COUGH IMPROVEMENT. Peanut had had this hacking cough for several months, and 6 days into the food I realized while she still coughed occasionally, it was decreasing in frequency. My hope is that it will go away all together.

4) LESS SNORING. Peanut had also been a bit stuffy for several months, but not so much the vet was concerned. However, it did lead to some snoring that at times actually woke me up in the middle of the night! Now she hardly snores at all.

5) THEY FEEL FULL. On their old food, Peanut was often trying to scavenge for more food. She was just so hungry, she felt like I was starving her to death (I was not underfeeding her). I think it was all the empty calories. Around 9 pm every night she'd start whining uncontrollably at her empty dish. Now, she is VERY excited about meal times but doesn't feel the need to look for food when it's not meal time.

My only complaint is that after the switch, Peanut started eating grass a lot. Since I live in a rental and can't control the kind of fertilizer they use, I was concerned about the possibility of this continuing into Spring. So now I add some canned pumpkin (1 oz per pound of mixed food) to get them more fiber.

MY SYSTEM

I love being organized, and I also want to make this as little work as possible. So I bought all 7 of the protein sources I plan to rotate through. When I use one up, I'll replace it, and that way I'll never run short or have to make a last-minute shopping trip. For those that need to be frozen, I packaged them in 1 lb. and .5 lb increments, since it will take 1.5 lbs to make an 8-day serving. (8 days is easier to mix up than 7.) Every weekend I'll mix up a new batch using my 1.5 lbs of protein. I also bought this meat scale for $13 to help measure meat.

I bought these containers to store the servings in, 1 container per day:

They're BPA-free and freezer-safe, so I can safely store the food in the freezer. I plan to keep one container in the fridge and when it's gone, move another down from the freezer so it's thawed out by the next meal. The containers were $1.84 per set of 4, and they're dishwasher safe so it's a cheap, one-time purchase.

Also, so that I don't have to rely on my memory too much to rotate through my protein sources, I created this menu. I can just move the arrow every week, and put it back at the top when I get down to the bottom. (The gourmet options, again, would be rare treats and are not part of the rotation.)

TREATS

I already buy homemade dog treats from a lady I work with, so I'm pretty happy with the natural, preservative-free treats I feed my dogs. But in all the dog food research I did, I stumbled across some great treat ideas to add into the mix. Blueberries and strawberries are both super good for dogs with all the anti-oxidants and such, but my dogs didn't like them. Some sites had said they can prevent cancer and slow down aging! Coconut or coconut oil was another really good one, which my dogs do like. Dr. Harvey's has Coconut Smiles dog treats, but you can also just buy coconut flakes. Just make sure you get it with no sulfites or added sugar. Just plain coconut as the only ingredient! 

Yogurt is another goodie because it is full of probiotics, which I'd already known but the problem I found is that you can only buy plain, non-fat yogurt in a giant tub, which went bad before I was through even a quarter of it! But I found out that you can freeze it without losing nutritional value, so I got some ice cube trays so I could easily freeze puppy portions.

As with any treat, these are best in moderation - too much of any of these things will NOT have healthy effects on your dogs! Before I knew my dogs didn't like blueberries, my plan was to give each dog one blueberry every other day, and on the off days they'd get their regular treat. Now my plan is to do the same thing but with the coconut. Yogurt is a nightly treat.

THOUGHTS?

Please comment with any questions or additional research you've found! I'm certainly no expert on this, but if you have questions that I did find in my research I'd be happy to answer.

Questions

A while back I came across this Pearls Before Swine cartoon.

And while Rat's question is perhaps a bit extreme, it reminded me of this discussion I once heard from a neighbor on a date, chatting after the date right outside my open window.

She told her date that she didn't want to go to heaven. She wanted to go to hell, because that's where all the fun people would be.

The problem though, is that Rat probably couldn't ask his question at church. Nor could my former neighbor share about her thoughts on hell. It's not typically an open-forum place where people can ask their questions, express their doubts, and find answers. Even in a small group setting, where people can actually be engaged in the conversation, there seems to be a limit on how far outside of the "normal Christian doubts" you can go.

On Desperate Housewives, Lynette once went to Brie's church and challenged the status quo. She raised her hand to ask a question about the sermon.

And although the pastor did respond to her questions and invite further dialogue, Brie was openly embarrassed and later criticized her friend, noting that church was not a place you go to ask questions. All too often, that's the way we react to genuine conversation in church.

I wonder if we'd have a better reputation and more visitors if we were willing to have a culture that engaged people and let them express their thoughts and doubts.

2014 and 2015

2014 is over, and I have to say that my method of making 12 resolutions, 1 per month, did not pan out well. I thought it would be a good way to break things down into smaller goals and give myself a more frequent checkpoint to refocus on my goals...but it just didn't work out that way.

2014 was a pretty good year for me. The biggest thing was that I'm getting my first book published! It's been a dream of mine since I was maybe five or six years old to publish a book, and this April I had a proposal accepted, and the book shipped to the printer a couple weeks ago! Wildly Creative Puzzles With a Point releases on February 10 this year, and I hope it will be an awesome resource to help kids who love puzzles discover more about their faith.

I've always loved puzzles, but I've seen them used in such wasteful ways in the church (and schools). They're not meaningful; they're time fillers. But I didn't believe they had to be. Wildly Creative Puzzles With a Point re-imagines how puzzles can be used in church to help kids discover the Bible...not simply regurgitate facts.

Anyway...that's my plug and my biggest accomplishment for 2014. Otherwise it hasn't been a very eventful year...but that's a good thing. I'd hoped to be ringing in the new year with a new house, but that fell through, so I'll continue the hunt.

For 2015, I did make some resolutions/goals. One is I want to work on writing a novel by writing for just 10 minutes a day, at least 5 days a week.

I also have been working for the past probably 8 or so years writing a devotional inspired by my dogs, with a goal of writing 101 devotions. I hit that number at the end of last year, so I'd like to go through the whole thing and check for repeats, write any more I need in order to replace repeats, polish it up, and submit it to some possible publishers.

I'd also like to open an Etsy shop to sell my crafts.

So really, two of the three aren't habits to form/break, they're just things I want to accomplish at some point in the year. Because really, when I started thinking about resolutions, I started thinking that maybe I'd rather focus on who I want to be than what I want to do in 2015.

And I think the main thing is, I want to be useful. Recently I've been feeling so small, like I see so much wrong with the world and I'm not doing much about it. And I know I can't fix everything. But like the proverbial starfish, I want to make a difference to one person at a time. And as I think about what I can do, my passion for writing comes to mind. And I think if I can let God use me to write and help people, that's what I want to do.

So that's what informed my "resolutions." I want to be useful. I want to give more than I take. I want to seek to understand and empathize rather than to judge. I want to be a grace-filled person. At the end of the year, will I be able to measure how I did? No. But measurement is what doing is about—not what being is about. So, measurable or not, that's who I want to learn to be in 2015.

Racial Understanding

I grew up in a very white town. In my entire high school of 2,000 students, I can only think of 3 African-American students, and a couple Asian students. And I didn't have classes with any of them, so I really didn't get to know anyone who wasn't white.

My college was slightly more diverse than my hometown...but not by a lot. But my freshman year I volunteered for a tutoring program in inner city Chicago. Once a week a group of us from my college would head into the city and tutor a group of low-income kids, most of whom were black. And it was the first time I'd ever come face-to-face with white privilege.

I remember distinctly the day my eyes were opened to my privilege as a middle-class white person. I was sitting talking with a little girl while she colored. She was probably only 7 or 8. I asked if she had dreams about where she might want to go to college. She said, "I'm not going to college."

"Oh," I said. "What are you going to do after high school?"

"Kill myself."

I was speechless. For me, although I went through a season of not wanting to go to college, it was always an option. A given that that's what you do after high school. This little girl didn't have that option. And not only did she not have that option, but she saw no hope at all for life as an adult.

I suppose I could've had that conversation with a poor child of any race, but the fact is that our system is built in such a way that poverty persists among minorities far more than among whites. Opportunity, while not impossible, is harder to come by for minorities than it is for white people.

After college I went to another very white environment - a large Milwaukee suburban church. Milwaukee, by the way, ranks #1 in the country for being the most racially segregated. That said, I did live in a very diverse apartment complex, but most of my time was spent at my non-diverse church. And there I became friends with an amazing Latina woman, who is married to a wonderfully kind black man.

Her husband frequently studied in our church library during the week. One day he stepped out of the library to make a phone call in the lobby, and someone visiting saw him and reported a "suspicious man" in the lobby, wanting to call the police. I'd never witnessed this kind of racial bias first hand and it took quite a bit of pondering, "Why would they think he was suspicious?" before I realized it was his race. My eyes were opened that day to the realities of being alive while black.

I don't know the details of Michael Brown's death. I don't know if it was a genuine case of a cop exercising appropriate self-defense, or if it was racially driven. But I do know that race does sometimes drive people to fear. That it's possible this was a racially driven incident. And that we'll never have a trial to determine that.

The details of Eric Garner's case are much more clear. None of the ambiguities of Michael Brown's death existed. To me that is a clear-cut case of racism and police going way too far. And yet, no indictment there either.

But here's why I still have hope. I've never heard as much attention given to this issue as I have since Trayvon Martin's death. And while the toll continues to rise of non-prosecuted homicides of black people, I believe our country is poised to change. I've never seen this many people hungry for change, ready to be part of the change. These tragic deaths are losses that can never be justified, but I want them to at least not be in vain. I want them to be the catalyst for change.

I don't know what exactly that looks like. But I have hope that with all the attention people are giving, now more than ever we can change the system that the word "broken" doesn't even begin to describe.

There's still so much I don't know. I think that people in a privileged class are always hesitant to believe they are privileged, because they don't experience the injustice for themselves. And my limited witnessing of injustice doesn't give me the full picture. But I'm hoping that with hashtags like #crimingwhilewhite and #alivewhileblack, the awareness level will rise to a point where things change. Things HAVE to change. #blacklivesmatter

#AmISuspicious

Fear

In Exodus 32, the Israelites make a golden calf for an idol, even though God had just rescued them from Egypt and parted the Red Sea so they could escape the ensuing army.

And God gets mad.

He tells Moses the people are stiff-necked and he is going to destroy them. Moses pleads for God to spare them, and he does.

This anger makes total sense to me. They're worshipping an idol, unashamedly engaging in pagan practices even as God meets with their leader to create a covenant. Of course God would be angry. They've betrayed him.

Then I read Numbers 14. An almost identical scene—God gets mad and tells Moses he's going to destroy the Israelites. Moses pleads, and God relents.

Why did God get mad this time? Not because of an idol. Because of fear. The Israelites had sent a few spies into the Promised Land and gotten mixed reviews, so they decide it would be better to go back to Egypt. They decide to appoint a new leader, maybe even kill Moses, and head back.

It struck me as I read this that God got just as mad about the Israelites letting fear hold them back as he did about them worshipping an idol. In fact, fear is a form of idolatry. It's a way of saying, "Sure, God is powerful but this thing that I'm afraid of is more powerful."

The fact is, what God had for the Israelites was so much better than the alternative they wanted to go back to! They had so much more to fear heading back to Egypt than heading into the Promised Land. But Egypt was known—they could rely on themselves. Heading into the Promised Land was unknown, and they had to trust God to get them through it.

I've never worshipped a golden calf. But I have let fear keep me from doing what I know God has for me. I have chosen the path that seems easier, just because I know it and can trust in myself. And that hurts God just as much as worshipping a golden calf.

Moms and Dads

Although I'm not a parent, one thing that really bugs me is seeing the way moms and dads are treated so differently. It's insulting to men and unfair to women.

A church I drive by had a sign up this week for Father's Day: "Honor your fathers. Fathers: Be honorable."

I reflected on whether a church would put up a parallel sign for Mother's Day. And I highly doubt it. A Mother's Day sign would be more apt to read: "Honor your mothers. Mothers are honorable."

You see the difference there? It's typically assumed on Mother's Day that moms are already doing a great job. But dads, they need to be admonished and taught to be better fathers.

And perhaps they do. No one is a perfect parent. It's the gap that bothers me. You see it in the media, too. On sitcoms fathers are always bumbling idiots who have no clue how to parent. If they're left alone with their children, chaos ensues because really, they can't be trusted. T-shirts are made for babies to wear that reflect a similar concept: only moms really know how to parent.

Around Mother's Day a video was circulating about a job posting for the world's hardest job. Its description included long hours, being at constant beck and call, having no bathroom breaks, and so on. Not surprisingly, the job turned out to be a mother (although the people in the video were shocked). But it outraged me that the job was mother, not parent. Dads don't work hard at parenting, too?

We emasculate fathers, we lecture them to do better and assume they really can't, but then we complain that many fathers are absent or partly absent from their kids lives. But why wouldn't they be? We've reduced their role to sperm-giver and babysitter. While the reality is that they're extremely important to raising a child, the message we send is that we really could do it better without them. So why should they stay?

I've been making perpetual calendars lately with squares for Father's Day and Mother's Day. I used a heart as the pictogram on both of them. Many might use a heart for moms and a tie for dads. But dads are so much more than suits making the money so moms can raise the kids right. I believe they should be equal to mothers in child rearing. That raising a child is best done in partnership. I believe good dads are represented by love just as good moms are.

Not only is this unequal treatment insulting to men, but it sets women in a light that has often made motherhood seem very unappealing to me. While dads can be people who have lives, a part of which is being a dad, moms are often seen solely in the role of a mother. That's an ugly flip side to this coin. Dads are idiots; moms have no life. Neither is a picture anyone wants to be.

There are certain roles in parenting that only women are physically equipped to do. But those represent a small and short-term portion of a child's life. This Father's Day, I'm celebrating all the dads I've seen who take an active role in their child's lives. The dads who aren't bumbling idiots who sometimes "babysit" their children. I'm celebrating real dads.

Identity

I can't remember if I've already blogged about this, but since I'm not sure I wanted to make sure I do it now.

In 2012, the main thing God did in my life was teach me who I am and re-shape my identity. I'd just gone through a divorce and was on my own again for the first time in 5 years. I was ready for a fresh start, ready to discover who I really was—a whole person, made in the image of Christ.

I spent most of that year reading just 8 or so different chapters of the Bible. Each day I'd read one or two verses and contemplate on what those verses said about who God is, and what that showed about who I am. I wanted my identity to be rooted in who God is, because I'm his child. It was a wonderful way to read the Bible, and I ended up memorizing much of what I read simply because I spent so much time immersed in just a few words.

Out of that time came this project. Each day I'd write on a mirror who I was and surround it with who God is.

It's hard for me to really put into words how 2012 changed me. But whenever I start to feel uncertain or worried, I head over to this mirror collage and read a few. And inevitably, it regrounds me and helps me remember that I have nothing to fear.

Sin & the Snooze Button

It starts with just nine minutes. Your alarm goes off and you think, I can hit snooze. It's just nine minutes. 

Then it goes off again, and you think the same thing. Like the proverbial frog in boiling water, you let nine minutes at a time fool you into thinking you're not that late. Until 45 minutes later you realize you've hit snooze 5 times and aren't going to be able to get that run in.

A couple days ago in the city I used to call home, two 12-year old girls plotted the murder of their friend and stabbed her 19 times. Thankfully, she survived. The two 12-year old girls have reportedly expressed little remorse even in the aftermath of this horrid event. They're looking at 60 years in prison. No high school, no college, no career, no husbands, no raising a family, no retirement party. Their futures are over before they ever started.

What does it take for a 12-year old to get to the point of trying to murder her friend? I think it's a series of snooze buttons. They didn't wake up suddenly one day after playing My Little Pony and think, "let's stab our friend." They gradually allowed darkness to creep into their lives through gruesome fictional stories. They gradually let themselves believe these stories weren't fiction. They gradually—over a series of half a year—plotted and planned this stabbing. One little advance at a time, they let Satan into their lives. One little advance at a time until they were at the point of attempted murder.

When the alarm bells start ringing, we can't ignore them. We can't hit snooze. We can't say it's only nine minutes. Because those alarm bells warn us that the more we ignore them, the more we'll head down a dark path toward sin.

"But if you do not do what is right, sin is crouching at your door; it desires to have you, but you must rule over it.” - Genesis 4:7

Talents

I've been reading Brave Enough to Follow by Stuart Briscoe. And God's timing for when I started reading it sure is funny.

Someone challenged me to consider why I'd found success at work, why God led me to be promoted to leadership at a young age of 27. And my answer, which I said as if I was joking but probably reflected my heart pretty accurately, was "I always thought it was because I was awesome."

And that was the night I picked up Brave Enough to Follow. And read quotes like these:

"We often fall under the misconception that for God to do great work through us, we need to have the makings of greatness...the reality is upside down from what we think it should be. We don't have to have the courage to lead; we just need to be brave enough to follow." 

"It seems the more powerless the leader, the more glory God receives."

"If God always chose the obvious leaders to do his work, people would take all the glory for themselves. But if we are clearly weak and flawed, yet we have a part in establishing his kingdom, we cannot boast about ourselves but must instead boast that we know the Lord. God does great things through the not-so-brave among us, so the world can see that the glory is his and his alone."

Thanks, God.

Turns out maybe he's brought me to where I am because I'm not that awesome.

I think I tend to rely fairly heavily on what I perceive as my talents. I forget that even these are gifts from God, and that I can best use my talents when I'm doing so through his power.

After Peter catches the miraculous catch of fish, he tells Jesus to go away. He calls Jesus "Lord" and himself a "sinful man." In that moment, Peter saw how Jesus' power could transform his somewhat average fishing skills (and that particular night, subpar skills), and he knew God's glory. He was humbled.

I want to be the kind of person that shines God's glory through the work I do—not the kind of person that thinks I got where I am because I'm so great. I want God to transform my average talent into an overflowing net of fish.