Baby Jesus

As much as I love Christmas - and I think I've made it quite clear that I do - I struggle with one thing. Actually, kind of the main thing.

See, when I think of Jesus coming to earth, usually I think about his mission and purpose in doing so, and not about him actually being a baby. I mean, it fits with celebrating birthdays, right? We don't typically think of the birthday person as a baby, but we celebrate their life.

But when I do think about Jesus as a baby, I don't like it at all.

First of all, because I don't like babies. Never have. When one comes by, I don't want to hold it. I love having a cold if a baby comes around because it gives me a great excuse to stay far away. So to think of my Jesus, the one I love so much, as a baby...it bothers me.

But that isn't even the most bothersome part. Because I mean, everyone was a baby. If I ever fall in love again, it will be with a man who was once a baby. I was once a baby. And I even wanted to hold my niece and nephew when they were babies. The point is he's not a baby anymore.

But what really bothers me about it is the grossness and the weakness. I mean first of all, birth is a gross process. Not that I've ever witnessed one (thank goodness), but I'm well aware of all the blood and goo. Extra blood, presumably, when a virgin gave birth. And nothing but hay to clean all this up with? Gross gross gross. (And the Pope is now saying there were no animals there. Are you kidding? I bet animals loved all that blood and embryonic fluid.)

And then there's the weakness. I mean this is Jesus. It makes sense for a normal human to start off as a weak and helpless baby. But this is the Lord of the universe. The Lord of the universe, making a mess in a diaper. (And we're back to gross.) The Lord of the universe, unable to feed himself. The Lord of the universe, susceptible to death from being dropped or shaken. The Lord of the universe, screaming that shrill baby cry that makes me want to cut my ears off. (Undoubtedly that night - and the ones that followed - were far from silent.)

I suppose it shouldn't bother me. I should be grateful that the Lord of the universe would assume this weak form for me. Maybe if I liked babies I would be. But it's hard for me to reconcile Lord and Savior with baby.

What I Love About Christmas

All day I've been posting about my Christmas tree on Facebook. I slept on the couch last night, skipped lunch today, all because I don't want to leave my most decorated room.

And really, I've been gearing up for the Christmas season long before I decorated yesterday. When I turned onto 4th Street downtown a few weeks ago and saw the lights strung across the street, I literally squealed with delight. A day or two later when I discovered a radio station that was already playing Christmas songs, I squealed again and have listened exclusively to that radio station since. I don't mind Christmas butting into Thanksgiving, not in the least. Christmas season doesn't last long enough for me.

Why do I love it so much? Because no matter what their intentions, anyone who decorates for Christmas is celebrating Jesus. Sure, there are many who celebrate the Santa-fied, commercialized, Jesus-less Christmas, but their festivities still scream of the One whose birth is the reason we celebrate.

I think my absolutely favorite thing is the lights. Against the backdrop of leafless trees and a cold wintery sky, these lights add an element of hope that make me absolutely giddy with love for the Light of the World. When all seemed bleak, this Light came to the world and brought hope. Every twinkling light I see remind me of his light, his hope.

The tree comes next. Of course, it is strung with the lights I love so much. But even my fake tree is a symbol to me of the life Jesus brought when he came to our world. And this isn't just a tree in the yard; it is an intimate part of my life, brought into my home. Likewise, Jesus longs to be invited into our homes, into the inmost parts of our lives.

And I love the presents. Not just getting them, which of course is fun for anyone. But the whole spirit of giving surrounding the holiday. I used to think it odd that we give everybody else presents on Jesus' birthday. But I think he must delight in seeing this love and sacrifice when giving is done right. It's a wonderful way to celebrate his selfless giving.

The music. Oh, the music. While I do delight in the whimsy of Santa songs like Frosty the Snowman and Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer, nothing gives me butterflies like hearing songs about Jesus on the regular old radio. It's the one time of year when stations other than K-Love proclaim the Savior. The song that moves me the most is "O Holy Night." When it gets to the line that so boldly proclaims "Christ is the Lord," I well up with tears a little bit. Every time. The meaning of Christmas may be hidden to many, but it isn't lost. When secular radio stations shamelessly declare such a powerful message, it's impossible to forget that Jesus is the reason we celebrate.

But it's all of these things added together that make Christmas so beautiful to me. I never feel closer to Jesus than in this season. Our world is transformed for this month, and it's transformed because of Jesus. It's transformed because, whether or not people realize it, 2,000 plus years ago a little baby was born that could transform the hearts of everyone in the world. This piece of the year, we get to see and hear that all around us...and I love it.

The Flip Side

"Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God." - 2 Corinthians 1:3-4

I grew up pretty sheltered from divorce. Sure, I had friends here and there with divorced parents, but within my own immediate and extended family, divorce was pretty rare. And even among my friends, I never had a friend whose parents got divorced during our friendship.

And because of this, I didn't really understand it. I figured anyone who got a divorce was probably sinning. I approached divorcees with judgment.

And so, faced with the decision of divorce in my own marriage, I wavered for a while. When we finally decided it was over, it had been a couple years of the idea coming up. One of the big things holding me back was my fear that others would judge me the same way I'd judged others. I couldn't stand to think that I'd fit into this "divorced" category. I didn't want that label, because I feared how others would view me.

Ultimately I decided it was between me and God, and if other people wanted to judge me, that was their problem. If I was clear with God, that was all that mattered. And that's what pushed me to make that decision.

Now I have a whole new view of divorce. Having been through it myself, I know that there's always more to it than people may be willing to share. And that's OK...there's no obligation to share it or prove to anyone that they're OK before God.

So lately I've found myself in a role I never quite envisioned: people going through divorce have been coming to me when they need someone to talk to. People I would've judged 5 or 6 years ago, I now have a heart to help. And I'm psyched about it. Of course I'm not psyched that others are going through a difficult phase of life, but I'm psyched that God is using my troubles to help me bring his comfort to others. I said from the beginning of this path that I wanted it to be something that would bring glory to God.

I'm working on starting a divorce support group at my church. I feel like I want to embrace this role and help others who are struggling through some of the same things I did. The logistics, the emotions, the fear of being labelled, the need for someone to talk to. I'm so thankful that God can use my brokenness to minister to others. It's an affirmation that he can take anything and turn it into good.

Persecution

I saw this link on Facebook recently, to an article that listed "evidence" that President Obama is hostile toward Christians.

I saw it more as a list of ways Christians aren't treated preferentially above other religions anymore.

And I'm OK with that.

Let me make one thing clear: I absolutely believe that Christianity is the only path to God. But let me make another thing clear: I don't believe legislating Christian morals is a way to save anyone...wouldn't that mean we're saved by works? Christianity is about a change of heart that happens when Jesus transforms our lives. And no one is going to have their heart changed for Jesus because gay marriage is illegal.

So, that being established: I think what Christians often see as government persecution is really us losing the ability to oppress other faiths.

Here was my response on the link: "It just bugs me when American Christians get all bent out of shape about the 'persecution' that occurs in America. It is not persecution when Obama doesn't participate in the National Day of Prayer. It would be persecution if Obama sent the police out to arrest and imprison anyone who prayed on the National Day of Prayer. It is not persecution when Target won't say "Merry Christmas." I think what we're really upset about isn't hostility or persecution or preferential treatment of anyone else, it's that we're not getting the preferential treatment anymore. Persecution is when the government will not let you practice your own religious beliefs without fear of punishment. MAYBE the whole employers must cover abortion thing goes into that. But even that is a stretch, in my opinion. Seems to me persecution in that case would be the government limiting the number of children you can legally have (like China did), thus forcing you to get an abortion or break the law if you get pregnant after that number. In my opinion, Obama has done nothing to infringe on my personal rights as a Christian, and this article hasn't given any evidence that he has. Therefore, I don't consider him hostile at all."

Someone responded, noting that Obama manages to host a Ramadan dinner every year. I don't see why that's a problem. He's not forcing anyone else to observe Ramadan. When did it become hostility or persecution toward Christians that other people have freedom to celebrate other faiths?

We live in a country that was, at least in theory, built on religious freedom. But Christianity was emphasized, at least on a verbal level. So we as Christians have gotten used to a certain standard where we expect Christianity to be touted above other religions. And as this supremacy has gradually slipped out of our grasp (and not all under Obama), we feel we're being persecuted.

I think we need to put on our big girl panties and get over it. We are so spoiled we don't even know what persecution means. And we're belittling the suffering of people who do.

Christian Politics

I've been working up the nerve to write a political blog because I fear the fallout, but hey, it's my blog. I can say whatever I want. So here goes.

1) I hate that the church gets involved in politics. Not because I don't believe faith should influence our vote - I do - but because the church seems to think that means vote Republican no matter who's running. And while I align myself with the Republican party on the abortion issue, on issues of economy and equality my understanding of biblical principles sway me left. (Therefore I consider myself non-affiliated.) And I refuse to vote based on one issue. Especially abortion, because in 2004 I was persuaded to vote for Bush because in his 2nd term there were going to be two supreme court seats opened, and I was assured that if I voted for Bush he would appoint Republicans and Roe v. Wade would be overturned. So in that election more than any other, I was told, I needed to vote Republican. So I did. And I've come to realize that the President maybe doesn't have so much power on that issue as I thought.

2) As a follow up to that...I kind of wonder how much the President really influences things. I mean everyone is always asking the question "Are you better off now than you were four years ago?" Well, no, at least not because of anything Obama did...but I'm also not worse off. And I don't think that answer would've been any different if McCain had won.

3) Christian persecution. I heard this sermon a couple weeks ago that seemed a bit convoluted to me. The premise was that under Obama, our church is being persecuted. Hence (this was an undertone), our faith should influence us to vote for Romney to preserve the church. All the biblical examples he used of persecution showed stronger faith and a growing church. And in the end he said it doesn't matter who wins, it's the hearts of the voters that matter.

So this got me to thinking. Let's say I buy the premise that Obama persecutes Christian freedom (I actually don't). And let's say I buy the premise that persecution helps the church grow (I actually do). If these two things that seemed to be the theme of the sermon are both true, shouldn't our Christian faith influence us to vote for the one who will help the church grow - the one who is allegedly persecuting it? I mean, I sit here with a Bible on my nightstand and 6 more on my shelf, and more days than most I forget to crack it open. If owning a Bible was illegal I would either get rid of mine, or be gung-ho for immersing myself in it. Why risk the ownership unless I'm all in? And if Obama is going to illegalize Bibles (he's so not), and that would help my heart for God grow stronger...then he should be my pick. Right? I'm not saying I hope for persecution. But let's face it, the hearts of the voters would be either all for or all out in terms of the Christian faith if we were persecuted. (And no, I do not consider Target saying "Happy Holidays" a form of persecution.) There'd be no more room for luke warm faith. Is the point really just that Christians are afraid that a little heat will compromise the cushiness of our faith?

4) Abortion. So, I don't believe in abortion no matter what. But come on Christians, if we can compromise on rape and incest to have a better chance of saving 99% of aborted babies, why not do it? We can still stand by the fact that abortions are always wrong. But a vote is never going to pass if it doesn't allow for those exceptions. And for the love of Pete, leave birth control out of it. It's like an orphanage is on fire, and there are 100 kids inside, and the firemen come and say, "well, we can save 99 but there's one we won't be able to reach" and we say, "well then forget it. We value life, and if you can't save them all, we won't compromise on that."

5) I think Romney is ridiculous. Party affiliation aside, he is just ridiculous. I fully expect politicians to lie and change their alleged opinions, but come on. The guy changes his mind more than a newborn baby gets his diaper changed. (And they seem to be full of the same stuff.) Even if I did align myself more to the right side of the spectrum, I don't think I could vote for him. And if you disagree, that's fine, but please don't try to persuade me to change my mind. It's not going to work, just as I don't expect Romney supporters to go out and vote Obama after reading this.

6) Why do born again Christians keep bringing the candidate's faith into this? They keep saying that Obama claims to be a Christian but he doesn't really know the Bible (true of many Christians, let's face it), so we should vote Romney. Umm...last I checked most born again Christians don't consider mormonism to be a truly Christian religion. So even if you don't think Obama is a Christian, fine. Either way, we're not going to have a Christian President, so get over it.

OK. Rant done. This ends my political voice for the season, except for jokes. I will now return to referring to Romney as "Mittens."

Love Your Enemies

Jesus told us to love our enemies and pray for the people who persecute us.

So when 9/11 happened, I prayed. I prayed for the families of the victims, but most of all I prayed for Osama Bin Laden. My classmates thought I was nuts. How could I pray for a man who would commit such horrendous acts?

But I felt bad for him. How deluded, how broken, how lost was this man who would commit such horrendous acts?

This came up in conversation recently and someone asked me if that meant I'd pray for the man who abducted and killed Jessica Ridgeway. I hadn't prayed for him, but as I thought about it I realized that yes, that man needs my prayers too.

When I see people do terrible things like these, I think of Emmanuel, my former two-year old neighbor. Emmanuel was abused. I could hear him get hit, but because I never saw it happen child services wouldn't help. Emmanuel, at age two, was already mimicking this behavior, taking out his own frustrations by hitting his eight-year old sister.

And while I hope above all hopes that Emmanuel can overcome this childhood, I know that the odds are that he'll grow up to be the kind of man who beats his own wife and children. That's all he'll know. His sister Shoshanda? She might have a little more hope not to repeat the behavior...though she'll probably allow herself to be a victim all her life. I think boys tend to mimic aggression, whereas girls generally respond with fear and yet continue to trap themselves in similar situations.

I think about Emmanuel because I had this picture into his probable future when he was just two. I think about Bin Laden and how indoctrinated he must've been with evil ideas from his early childhood. I don't know the history of whoever killed Jessica Ridgeway, but he too was once just an innocent child.

I'm not saying all violent behavior results from childhood or bad parenting. But something must've happened to break these people. Maybe it wasn't in childhood. Maybe it was in college or adulthood. Either that or they have a mental illness causing their behavior. A loving, decent person without a severe mental illness doesn't just wake up one day, kidnap a ten-year old, and dismember her. Somewhere along the lines, someone probably hurt or indoctrinated these people so badly that they felt compelled to respond with evil.

Does this excuse their behavior? Absolutely not. What Bin Laden did, what Emmanuel's parents did, what Jessica Ridgeway's killer did...these are all terrible acts and I am in no way trying to justify them. And I can guarantee you that if these situations were closer and more personal to me, I wouldn't be able to have compassion on these people.

But maybe it's just because of my involvement in children's ministry, both within ministry and creating materials for it, but I can't help but picture these offenders as kids. I can't help but wonder what it is that broke them. I can't help but wonder...if someone had been able to capture their hearts with the love of Jesus...would the Twin Towers still stand? Would Jessica still be alive? Can we stop attacks like this from happening 20 years from now by helping today's children build a relationship with Jesus?

Lately I've become more sensitive to the depravity of the world. I'm moved to tears when I hear how sin and brokenness has crushed another spirit. And I've been thinking, "What can I do? What can I possibly do to stop things like Jessica Ridgeway's death from happening?" And for my part, I think that's where my call lies: to reach as many kids as I can today. To help them fall so deeply in love with Jesus that when things happen that might threaten to break their spirits and propel them into a life of abusing or adultery or even murder...they turn to Jesus and find life.

Could God use something I edit to stop a would-be Jessica Ridgeway repeater twenty, thirty years from now? I'll never know. But I know this: the acts of Emmanuel's parents are ones that will likely repeat in him. All I can do is act in a way that I want kids to repeat—and pray that God will let me pass that on in their lives.

Insomnia

Sunday night I couldn't sleep. It was like all the events of the past several days hit me at once and I realized I was overwhelmed.

There were even some things that hit me that aren't problems anymore. Like my grandfather had gone to the hospital Thursday with mild heart attack symptoms. But by the time Sunday night hit, I knew that it was vertigo, that they'd given him medicine, and that his heart was fine. Nonetheless, it was like a delayed reaction of worry and sadness for that hit me.

There were things that weren't personal, but broke my heart as if they were. I watched a few minutes of the news before bed (lesson learned - stick with SNL weekend updates!) and saw about Jessica Ridgeway, and about another child abductor in Wyoming. And my heart broke for the depravity of the country.

I thought about this radio program I'd heard the other day where the deejays call someone to catch them in something, and this college girl had them catch her dad to find out he was cheating on her mom. And her fragile voice when she found out the truth, saying, "Dad? Dad? What are you doing? Dad?" echoes in my mind, breaking my heart for her and that family.

That was on top of a lot of other stressors I've been experiencing lately, some of which I'd been processing and some of which I'd pushed aside. All at once, unexpectedly, they swept over me like a tidal wave.

And so when I turned out my lights at 10:30, it wouldn't be for four more hours that I'd end up finally dozing off. I got up and worked for a little bit around 1. But mostly I laid there trying and failing to fall asleep.

Pretty quickly after I realized sleep was not in my near future, I began to pray. And I listened to some music. And although getting half a night's sleep is not my ideal way to start the week, I think I needed that time. That time for God to say, "Sorry, you're not ready to sleep yet. I've got some stuff to work through with you."

I listened to some music in this process. One of the songs I played a few times was "Blessings" by Laura Story. Mostly because of this line: "What if a thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know you're near?"

I'm hoping just one sleepless night was enough. Definitely not hoping for a thousand. But I resonated with that line because although I was emotional and just wanted to fall asleep, I also felt God with me in my brokenness. I was able to give things to him that I didn't even realize I was holding onto. And if that's what I needed (one night) to know God was near; it was worth it.

Alone & Afraid

I have a confession to make. On Sunday I was in a very Christmassy mood. And also a very sappy mood. So I put on a movie that's been in my Netflix queue for a while, an ABC Family Original Movie called "The Twelve Dates of Christmas."

It was every bit as sappy as I could've hoped for...and more. The moment the intro song started playing, I said, "Uh oh...it's already cheezy." Not that I'd expect any less from an ABC Family Original.

The premise of the movie is that this girl (Kate), who is getting over her ex-boyfriend (who was cuter than the guy she ends up with, just saying), has a blind date on Christmas Eve. But because of her preoccupation with her ex, she botches the date, and has to keep reliving the same day until she learns to embrace friendships with the people around her and, yes, kiss the blind date guy before midnight. It's like Groundhog Day and Beauty & The Beast rolled into one low-budget, talentless film. (And I didn't feel the need to give a spoiler alert warning since you probably could've figured out the end.)

As I indulged in my way-too-early-for-Christmas-and-way-too-sappy-to-watch flick, I was struck by two themes. One, Kate said a few times that she didn't want to end up alone. She felt bad for her neighbor, elderly and single. Her mom had died a few years ago and she didn't want to be like her dad, who was alone. (Which seemed odd since she started out the movie so vehemently opposed to his new wife, and also because her marrying now would certainly not guarantee that she wouldn't also face a widow situation. But I digress.)

Throughout the course of the movie, she learns to bake with her elderly neighbor, hangs out with her already best friend, gets to know a girl her own age and that girl's significant other, helps a kid from a group home keep his puppy, builds her relationship with her step-mother, and invests in other small relationships. But in the end, the only thing to keep her from this terrible fate of being "alone" is to kiss the man she goes on twelve dates with.

Here she is building wonderful friendships, but only a man can truly fill the void in her heart. Reinforcing this "singleness is a curse" mentality, this movie demonstrates that forming solid friendships is important, but you're really alone until you find a guy who will give you his jacket when you're cold. And being single is just the pits. But if you find a man who will marry you, you'll never be lonely again!

Right.

But here's the other thing. On their twelfth date, the one that finally sticks, Kate walks into the bar for her blind date with confidence. She has been changed over the past twelve days as she's gotten over her ex (because they weren't fated to be together) and let go of her life script. And her date, whose name I've already forgotten, says she's not what he was expecting, because her stepmom (who set them up) had described her as "afraid."

Now in my mind, she still was afraid—afraid of being alone. But that aside, I connected with that thought. Because although I think I often come off as strong and confident, there are a lot of things I'm afraid of. Especially when it comes to men. Each "relationship" I've had (which I can count on one hand, in all honesty) has given me a new thing to fear in whatever future one(s) may lie ahead.

I've grown a lot this year. A lot. But I know there's still more fear that I need to let go of. Here's the thing that no ABC Family Original movie will tell you, but Psalm 46:1 will, "The Lord is my refuge and strength, an ever-present help in times of trouble. Therefore I will not fear, though the earth give way and the mountains fall into the heart of the sea."

God is my strength. The reason I don't need to be afraid has nothing to do with how strong and confident I am. It has everything to do with my refuge, my strength, my help...my God.

Why?

My almost-three-year old niece, like most kids her age, asks "why" a lot. And while this can get a bit tiresome, one recurring thing in leadership trainings I've attended is understanding the why.

At Willowcreek's Global Leadership Summit, one speaker told an anecdote about two kids fighting over an orange. Their mother stepped in, cut the orange in half, and gave them each half. The first child peeled it, threw away the peel, and ate the orange. The second child peeled it, threw away the orange, and used the peel for something she was baking. 

It's situations like that where we often tend to make assumptions. But in such a case, asking why rather than making an assumption would've given both kids the full part of the orange they wanted, and nothing would've gone to waste.

A few weeks ago I woke up in the night to the sound of Peanut whining on the dresser. She has a little stool she uses to jump up there so she can look out the window. Assuming she was whining at something outside, I told her to come back to bed. She stayed where she was and kept whining, and again I told her to come back to bed. This exchange continued for a while until finally I realized she wasn't whining at something outside - she was whining because it was too dark for her to find her stool to jump back down. The very thing I was telling her to do was the thing she was whining about being unable to do.

It was a great reminder to me that as I seek to be a strong leader, I need to avoid assumptions and ask "why" almost as liberally as my niece. If someone complains that they are unhappy with an assignment, I need to ask why not just once, but keep digging until I understand what lies below the surface.

One

I've been reading Ephesians in my slow, reflective fashion since July. I often read the Bible through a very self-focused lens. But with Ephesians, you really can't do that. It is so much about the Church.

Chapters 2 and 3 outline four key goals of the church. (At least, the way I read it.) These are amazing things we can accomplish as the body of Christ.

Goal 1: Put hostility to death

Reading Ephesians 2:16 on its own might lend itself to self-focus. But in context, Paul is writing about the former barrier between Jews and Gentiles. Jesus died to put to make these two groups into one new one: the Church. And he has used this new, united body to put to death hostility. Sadly, this is not something the church is known for. (More on that here.) But what an incredible calling!

Goal 2: Be a dwelling in which God lives

I love this one, from Ephesians 2:21-22. With Christ as our cornerstone, God is building us together to be his holy temple. You see, I've always subscribed to the idea that as individuals, Christians are God's temples. 1 Corinthians 6 talks about this. But here in Ephesians the idea is taken further. In our unity, we are being built into a dwelling for God's Spirit. What an honor!

Goal 3: Make known the manifold wisdom of God

Ephesians 3:10 specifically states that God's intent was to reveal this wisdom through the Church. Wow! All the rulers and authorities - not just on earth, but this verse says in the heavenly realms - will see God's wisdom through the Church. Did you catch that? We're not just a glimpse of God to this world. At its best, the Church is showing the heavenly authorities something about God that they can't see otherwise. Our reach is farther than we think!

Goal 4: Bring God glory

Ephesians 3:21 concludes a prayer for the Ephesians by bringing glory to God "in the church." The Westminister Catechism says that the chief end of man is to glorify God and enjoy him forever. But it's not just man. The Church itself can be a praise offering, a way to bring glory to God.

Why does the church often fall short of these four goals? Well for one thing, it's made up of imperfect people like me. But Ephesians 4:3-6 talks about unity and notes that there is one body, one Spirit, one hope, one Lord, one faith, one baptism, one God and Father.

I feel like if Paul were writing a letter to the American church, rather than the one in Ephesus, he would include something along these lines. Maybe expound upon it. With the most conservative estimates for number of protestant denominations being around 20,000, we've sure learned to focus on the differences. (Bonus if you can name all 20,000.)  In our church's pastoral search it came up that one candidate didn't believe in a literal seven day creation. One woman at our church strongly declared that she didn't know how he could call himself a Christian if he didn't believe in a literal seven day creation. That's certainly not focusing on the essentials!

But unity happens when we focus on the essentials. And when unity happens, these four goals will fall into place. Hostility fades away, and we join beautifully together as a temple that shines God's wisdom even into the heavenly realms, bringing him glory.

Glory

Here's a thought from Ephesians 1:11-12: God chose us to reflect his glory.

And according to 2 Corinthians 3:18, we do this with unveiled faces. We shine for Jesus as we become more like him.

There are people who believe that what really matters is that you're a good person. That's how you earn God's favor.

But not only is that untrue (God's love is unconditional, and only Jesus can earn us eternal life), it's a faulty way to look at why we live the way we live.

If I make good choices, but do it for selfish motivations, I might be considered a "good person." But really, I'm like a Pharisee, doing good to show off for others. It's all about me. What people think of me. 

We were made for so much more than that. God chose us to reflect his glory. Our good deeds can shine before men so that they can glorify God. (See Matthew 5:16.) I can use good deeds to have others say, "oooh, look at her! What a nice person she is!"

Or I can use good deeds for something so much bigger, so much greater—to show off the glory of God. Those same people ought to be able to look at my life and say, "Oooh, what a picture of God's love for me!" And then they want to know God just a little bit more. How much greater my act will be if I do it for God's glory?!

My prayer is that God will gradually remove the me out of my motivation. My pastor spoke last week about motivations for serving God. One that he didn't mention is the motivation of showing God off. I want to live in such a way that with an unveiled face, I boldly shine a brilliant reflection of God. I want to be a mere conduit for others to see his goodness.

Idea for Visitors

My Dad came to visit in April. I wanted to make sure he got to do everything fun he wanted to do, but also didn't feel like he had to abide by an agenda I'd planned in order to squeeze everything in.

So I came up with an idea that my friend suggested I blog about. First, I researched everything fun to do in the northeast Colorado area. I sent my dad a list of the things I'd found (with links when applicable) and asked him to pick the ones that most interested in him. That way I could weed out the things he didn't even want to do. (I also had a space for him to add things he wanted to do that I'd left off.)

Then I took the things he did want to do and grouped them geographically. I used those groups to make "coupons" which he could redeem whenever he wanted to. So there was a "Fort Collins" package that had all the things in that area so we could hit them all in one day—but he got to decide what coupon to use each day. (And while there was one coupon per day, including one "relaxation" coupon where we just did things around my home and neighborhood, he didn't have to use them all if his priorities had changed.)

It worked out pretty nicely. We stayed busy and did a ton of stuff, but still had time each day to relax at home and play Yahtzee or watch a movie. I'd definitely use this idea again!

Relationship Status

I got a couple responses to my Dating blog, one in a comment and a couple in person, about the fact that I should put myself out there for a guy to find. After all, no one is going to catch a fish if she's not in the water.

But here's the thing. I used to think that being married would make me happy. I hated 1 Corinthians 7 because I felt like Paul was saying you shouldn't get married, and I just wanted to live happily ever after with my Prince Charming. And yet having been married, I know that it doesn't mean happiness.

So, thinking on this, I read 1 Corinthians 7 tonight. And I realized that Paul's point isn't really that being married or being single is preferable, although he does angle his preferences toward being single. His point is just this: be happy where you are. Don't try to force a relationship status change. I think the reason he emphasizes the joy of singleness is because that's where he was. He was setting the example of his point. He points out that being married isn't the magic cure for unhappiness; in fact, it brings with it troubles and a distraction from ministry. So there's no reason to think that singleness is this curse, that a 70-year-old never-been-married woman is doomed to misery. In fact Paul contests that a widow will be happier if she remains unmarried. This in times where widows were impoverished outcasts!

He sums it up nicely in 1 Corinthians 7:17: "Nevertheless, each one should retain the place in life that the Lord assigned to him and to which God has called him." Bottom line? If you can't be happy being single, you won't be happy being married.

Then I skipped to Song of Solomon. Not the juicy parts, but the verse the Beloved repeats over and over throughout the book: "Daughters of Jerusalem, I charge you: Do not arouse or awaken love until it so desires." This coming from a woman who has found true love. (We'll temporarily ignore the fact that she shared her husband with 300 other wives, plus all the concubines.) She knows the value of waiting for the right love. Not seeking out something, but being content with her situation until her love came along. Because if you rush "love" with the wrong person, you'll find yourself in a subpar relationship.

It's like when my sister was dropping me off at the train station. And as we're driving my not-quite-3-year old niece asked the age old question, "Are we there yet?" My sister jokingly responded, "Yep, we're here, should we just drop Ali off in the middle of the street?"

Annoyed as we get by the question on car trips, adults fall into this "are we there yet?" mentality all the time on the journey of life. Rather than being content with where we are right now (single or married, in love or not), we want to know if we're "there" yet. Even though, were we to look around, it's a pretty silly question. As for me? I'm not asking if I'm there yet. I know I'm right where God wants me on my life journey, and I'll just keep riding along.

Here's what I'm confident of, no matter what my future holds:

"I am still confident of this: 

I will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living. 

Wait for the Lord;

Be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord."

- Psalm 27:13-14

Things to do in Northeast Colorado

** SEPTEMBER 2013 UPDATE ** Some of these locations may have been damaged or become inaccessible in the recent floods. Specifically, Viestenz-Smith Park was almost entirely wiped out in the flooding. Highway 34 (leading to Estes Park from Loveland) has around 17 miles that need to be completely rebuilt, and estimates are that this will take 18 months. I would highly recommend visiting the websites linked below or calling ahead to confirm these places are open when you plan to visit.

** NOVEMBER 2013 UPDATE ** Highway 34 opened well ahead of schedule and is open to Estes Park now. Viestenz-Smith Park remains closed at this time.

Looking for things to do with a visitor, or just to get to know the Northeast Colorado area? My Dad came to visit in April, and I did a bunch of web research to find things for us to do. We didn't end up doing all of these things, but we did a lot of them. Of course, there are many more places to hike, but I didn't want to do anything too strenuous with him, so this was our list of possible excursions. Not all of these things were open during his stay, and those are listed at the end for summer visits.

Letterboxing scavenger hunt (available in many towns)

Denver area
Tour Downtown Denver on the Platte Valley Trolley
Butterfly Pavillion (my personal favorite!)
Denver Zoo

Fort Collins
Bike ride around downtown Fort Collins (bike rentals available)
Science Toy Magic

Rocky Mountain Raptor tour
The Farm at Lee Martinez (petting zoo)

City Park (walking, paddleboating)

Horsetooth Reservoir Inlet Bay Trail (walking, picnic)

Back Porch Café (breakfast or lunch)

Buttercream Cupcakery (dessert)
Fort Fun (mini golf, arcades, laser tags, bumper cars, etc.)

Loveland area

“Hearts of Loveland" scavenger hunt

Little Thompson Observatory (private viewings possible, schedule in advance)

Chapungu Sculpture Park

Justine’s Pizza (vintage pizza lunch or dinner) 
Chill is a great place for ice cream (frozen with liquid nitrogen!) or crepes

Greeley Area

Greeley Freight Train Museum (haven't gone there, but it seems fun!)

Estes Park/Rocky Mountain National Park

Dam Store scenic lookout (on the way to Estes via 34)

Viestenz-Smith Park (walking, picnic, horseshoes, kite flying) (on the way to Estes via 34, closed November-March)

Stanley Hotel tour

Just walking around Estes is fun, if you like shopping

Leisurely mountain walk around Sprague Lake 

Driving up Trail Ridge Road to Rainbow Curve is a great option during the summer

Poudre Canyon

Poudre Canyon scenic drive (*note: wildfires tore through this area since our drive; not sure how scenic it is now - we stopped in a couple places to walk on stones in the river)

Other
The Wild Animal Sanctuary (Keenesburg, CO)

Seasonal experiences (only available during summer):

Estes Park Aerial Tram

Fort Collins Trolley
For kids, there is a small train that runs around at North Lake Park in Loveland

Holiday Twin Drive-In (Fort Collins)

Dating

When you go through a divorce, you get a lot of people asking you if you've met somebody new. Pretty quickly, this question comes up. Even before your divorce is final. Here's my answer.

One thing I knew for sure when Dan and I decided to get a divorce—I wasn't interested in any kind of relationship until the divorce was final. As long as I was married on paper, I was going to honor that status.

The DivorceCare curriculum recommends you wait one year to date for every four years you were married. For me, this means one year—October. But they also have a checklist of how to tell when you're "ready," and by those standards I was ready a while ago. I think one thing DivorceCare doesn't really acknowledge in general as they talk about healing is that healing looks different when you were struggling in your marriage, as opposed to being surprised by an affair when you thought everything was fine. Much like losing a loved one to a long battle with cancer vs. a sudden car accident, you grieve differently.

All that to say, I'm neither waiting for October to be open to dating, nor am I planning to start actively looking to date in October.

One of my friends asked me if I'd found any possibly dates, and I said no. He said, "Do you have your fishing pole out?"

"Of course not!" I responded. "I'm the fish! I'm not fishing!"

I've done a lot of initiating in my life. I learned the hard way that this set me up to be the leader in my marriage, and that's not the way I want any possible future relationships to be. So I'm not planning to put out any fishing poles—ever. I'm open to whatever God may have for me, and if that means a life of singleness, I really am OK with that. I've finally realized something I never realized in my pre-married single life (aka my hunt for a husband era): I am a whole person. I don't need to find my "other half." I am complete in Christ.

But if God plans for me to eventually date and even remarry, I'm OK with that too. But I'm not seeking it out. I'm seeking the kingdom of God and a righteous life. I'm seeking to be like Jesus and fall more in love with him each day. And if God brings along a man to do this alongside of me, I'm open to that. But it won't be that I "found" a man, because I'm not looking. I will not set the precedent that I'm the pursuer, the fisher, the leader. God is the one who's going to bring a man with enough initiative to pursue me if that's God's plan for me.

Power

I've sensed God's power at work in my life more in the past few months than ever before.

I think I've maybe been paying more attention since I read Ephesians 1:19 in July, where Paul prays that the Ephesians might know "his incomparably great power for us who believe."

This is cool. Not only is God's power incomparably greater than anything else (when I read this, my almost-5-year old nephew and I made a list of powerful things as a reminder that God is more powerful*), but it is for us who believe.

God's incomparably great power is real in my life. This is the same power, Ephesians goes on to say, that God used when he raise Christ from the dead. That's the magnitude of power available to me.

It's the power that gives me strength even when I feel lonely or incompetent.

It's the power that enables me to think of wise or creative solutions I never could've come up with on my own.

It's the power that surprises me with unexpected occurrences that bring a smile to my face.

It's the power to send a deluge that puts out a wildfire.

It's the power to speak directly to me.

It's the power that brings healing and freedom out of darkness.

It's the power to control my natural impulses and wait patiently to see what God wants me to do.

God's power is no greater in my life this month than it always has been. I'm just noticing it more. And if you stop to look at your life, you'll see that this awesome power is at work there, even in the bleak times.

* Powerful things my nephew and I came up with: Daddy, computers, elephants, lighting/thunder, lamps, ants, batteries, wildfires.

Identity

About a month ago I met someone for the first time. As we talked she commented on how confident and sure of myself I am. She admired this quality in me.

I told her this was quite different from the me I used to be. But as I've mentioned before, I've committed this year to rediscovering my identity in Christ.

I've learned a lot about who I am through my mirror collage. I am new. I am in God's hands. I am understood. I am rich. I am fearless. I am strong. I am blessed. I am complete. I have his power. And so much more.

I've learned confidence as God has given me opportunities to step out and build my strength. Taking a self-defense class gave me confidence to know that if I can rip a guy's ear clear off his head, flick it in his face, and make him bleed from his tear ducts, I'll be OK.

I've learned that I actually enjoy exercise. Running, swimming, biking...these all help me reflect and feel energized.

I've learned to be still in God's presence, through my reflective Scripture reading and through taking yoga classes.

I've learned to abide in Christ, to breathe him in with every breath I take, to sense his constant presence around me.

I've learned what kind of styles I like as I redecorated my house.

I've learned that I don't have to live in the past or be fearful of the future. I am in God's hands and as long as I seek his will rather than following my own stubborn and foolish heart, I will be in a good place.

I'm glad this new acquaintance could see this confidence in me. She, too, is going through a divorce. I'm glad she can see the light at the end of the tunnel. That God can use this experience to shape and redefine your identity to make you completely sure of yourself because you know who you are in him.

Lifelong

When I was 4, we had monthly memory verses in Sunday School. One month, the verse was "Children obey your parents in the Lord." My mom liked to remind me of it whenever I was disobeying her.

After that month was up and we were learning a different verse, I was disobeying and my mom reminded me of the verse. But, sharp little girl that I was, I responded, "Mom, that was last month's verse."

Somehow, I got the impression that I only had to apply the verse of the month.

But, thanks I'm sure to my mom's response (I don't remember it, but I'm sure she corrected my misunderstanding), and to general growth over the past 24 years, I've come to realize that living for God is a lifelong thing, not a flavor-of-the-day thing.

Now, there are certainly times in our lives when God is trying to teach us one particular thing. And since I am often kind of dense on these matters, those times usually consist of a lot of sources all echoing the same message until it gets through my skull.

But once God has adequately gotten the message through and I've begun to apply it, that doesn't mean I drop what I've learned when the next message comes along. And that continues to be the challenge. Even though I know now that God's Word is living and active all throughout my life, somehow God seems to have to remind me of the same lessons over and over.

I was reading some old journal entries today and noticed that some of the entries, though a year or two a part, closely echoed each other. Others echoed things I'm learning now, that I thought were new and novel.

The bad news is that this will always be the case, as long as I'm on this earth. I'll be a work in progress 'til the day I die, constantly learning and relearning what it means to live for God.

The good news is, the more abide in Christ and let his Spirit flow through me, the more his fruits and work just flows out of me. This is what I delight in.

Jesus, let me live for you all my life.

Worship

I've been teaching myself how to play guitar for the past couple months. I actually bought this cheap Walmart guitar like 6 years ago, and learned a few chords, but hadn't played it much since the initial purchase.

I'm pretty bad. If you listened to me playing, you'd probably want to smash the guitar. I take a while to change chords (although I'm getting faster!), I sometimes hit the chord wrong, and I have absolutely no sense of rhythm...which, it turns out, is pretty important for playing the guitar well. I feel like the first two flaws could improve over time, but the third probably means I'm not destined to start a band.

But that's OK, because I don't want to start a band. Despite how terrible my guitar playing may sound to human ears, I know it's a joyful noise unto the Lord. There's something so wonderful to me about being able not just to sing (which is also pretty bad), but to make music to worship God.

When I play guitar, I get lost in it. Time goes by so quickly until suddenly I realize I've been playing for quite some time. Turning page after page in my "easy worship songs" guitar chords books, singing and playing to celebrate the greatness of God.

Working on learning to play guitar has been a part of my 2012 goal to rediscover who I am in Christ, and who God made me to be. And even though it's clear he didn't make me to be a wonderful guitarist, that's OK. He made me with a heart to make music for him in the privacy of my guest room. I don't have to be good at it—if I enjoy it and do it unto the Lord, that's what matters.

The same goes for swimming. And running. And yoga. I'll never be an Olympic swimmer. I can barely swim two laps without pausing to catch my breath. I've been running for about a year now and still have to take a couple walking breaks on my mere 1.5 miles route. And after 5 months of yoga, I still can't touch my toes. I watch other people in the class move their bodies in ways I can't imagine will ever be possible for me.

But my mediocrity doesn't bother me in the least. All of these things are ways I connect with God. All of these activities are ways I honor him with my heart and my body. And all of these things are things I enjoy doing, because that's how God made me. I think this is what worship is all about. Doing the things you love to do, for the glory of God and to connect with him. And no matter how mediocre or just plain lousy you are at those things, it's beautiful when he sees you doing what he made you to love doing.

Tear Down The Walls

I've been reading Ephesians lately. Chapter 2:11-18 talks about two groups: the uncircumcised and those who call themselves "the circumcision." While the uncircumcised were formerly excluded, in Christ they have been brought near to God.

Verses 15b-18 says: "[Jesus'] purpose was to create in himself one new man out of the two, thus making peace, and in this one body to reconcile both of them to God through the cross, by which he put to death their hostility. He came and preached peace to you who were far away and peace to those who were near. For through him we both have access to the Father by one Spirit."

What struck me is that I always thought Jesus died for our sins. And he did. But not exclusively. According to this passage, his death also put to death hostility between the "us" and the "them" groups. He tore down the "dividing wall of hostility" (v. 14). He died to bring peace.

Which got me to thinking: how often have we Christians just built that wall of hostility right back up? This passage makes it clear that everyone has access to God through the Spirit through Christ's death. But how often do we say (or imply by the way we speak out against things), "Jesus died for everyone—but not you."

"Not you—you're gay."

"Not you—you're a Democrat."

"Not you—you smoke cigarettes."

"Not you—you have tattoos and piercings."

"Not you—you don't like the King James Version."

Through our actions and our stances, sometimes we preach hatred, not peace.

Now, I want to be clear: being uncircumcised isn't a sin, where as some things we stand up against are. Some. But if sin blocks us from access to God through Jesus' death on the cross, well shoot. What did he even die for?

So, if even sinners like me have access to God through Christ, why would we imply that certain kinds of sinners don't?

I'll freely admit that I implied this all over the place in high school. I preached to others about faith a lot, but it was in the context of pointing judgmental fingers at them when they swore. I never would've said that I believe people who swear don't have access to God through Christ, because I didn't believe that. But my actions communicated that to the very people I was trying to reach.

There's a balance between standing up for what's right and acting as if Jesus doesn't love people who aren't doing those things. But the bottom line is: Jesus never asked anyone to clean up their lives until after they developed a relationship with him. We don't need to fix ourselves first. We can't. We bring ourselves to Jesus and he fixes us. Throughout our whole life. He doesn't stop working on us until we reach the pearly gates.

Made Alive

When I was a kid, a car ran into our yard overnight and crashed into a small tree we had in the front yard. The trunk of the tree was only a few inches in diameter, so it snapped right in half, only connected by a small piece of bark on one side.

To my recollection, we never figured out who the driver (presumably a drunk one) was. We just woke up to see the tire tracks across our lawn and our broken tree. (Although since I did have my own private eye detective agency at the time, I dutifully measured the tire tracks and looked for other clues.)

Many would've declared the tree dead. Dug up the roots and planted a new one. But not my mom. She got this special tree tape and wrapped it up back together like an ace bandage on a sprained wrist. (Well, really more like an ace bandage on a severed leg...) Then she tied 3 ropes to the upper part of the broken tree and rooted them to the ground for stability.

It took a while, but eventually the ropes could go. And then one day, the tape could go, too. The tree had grown back together. Although it seemed like any hope for life had been taken by that mystery drunk driver, my mom put in the work needed to make life prevail. And for the near 20 years that have followed, the tree has thrived.

I was reminded of this tree when I read Ephesians 2:1-5 last week. It talks about how we were dead in our sins. But God, because of his great love, "made us alive with Christ even when we were dead in transgressions."

When it seemed like hope was gone, like we were dead beyond dead, God found a way to bring us life. This resurrected tree at my parents' house has become a beautiful picture of the life God gave us when he sent Jesus to die on another tree.

Looking at the tree today, you'd never know it had nearly died. The tire tracks in the grass have long since grown out and been mowed over, and the tree looks just like its matching one across the driveway.

This is my challenge. I am alive in Christ. I know that he rescued me from death. But the question is, do I stand firm as one who has been made alive? Or when people look at me, can they see a little bit of death still in me? A crack in the bark here, a dead leaf there?

We're alive! Let's show the world what new life looks like!

Trust Me

A few days ago I felt like God was speaking directly to my heart, two simple words: Trust me.

These words came specifically in regards to a situation that has brought me a lot of frustration. And although those instructions have been very hard to follow for me in the past (didn't I just blog about letting God have control of my life...and how unnatural that is for me?), it has been easy this time. Maybe because I heard the direction so clearly.

Then on Sunday two more simple words came to my heart: Just wait. Not as in the patience I blogged about last week. Not as in "just wait and you'll get what you want." More like when someone says, "Just wait until you see what I have planned for your birthday." Or, "Just wait until you see what I got you for Christmas." The kind of just wait that means someone has something planned for you that is so exciting for them as the giver, and will be exciting for you to receive.

So those two phrases have been running in my head since then. And it's helped me so much with patience and trust and knowing that God has a plan for me. I was thinking about Psalm 139 where it says, "All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be."

And that verse coming to mind, coupled with the two phrases, has brought me to this realization: God is a better writer than me. 


I've always loved that verse in Psalm 139 because I liked that it implies God is a writer. I could identify with that. But it was only yesterday that it hit me that he's a better writer than I am. It should've been obvious, perhaps, but I guess I just didn't think about it.

All my hopes and plans and daydreams are nothing compared to what God wrote in his book before one of my days came to be. I don't know what he has written. But I'm pretty sure he's excited to show me, in his time. And I'm excited to see, in his time. Because I know it's so much better than anything I've written in my head.

Just wait.

In the Midst

Yesterday I had lunch with someone who wanted to know my story of how I got to my current place of employment. I'm sure I've blogged about this before, but if so, it's been a while. And rehashing the story just reminded me how God is so present even when he doesn't seem to be.

I was at my previous employer for a little over three years. My role was primarily curriculum development, and I also led the teen helper ministry, which was a huge passion of mine. I also was in charge of conferences—not something I enjoyed.

So in March of 2008 when I learned that I would be in charge of the nursery (I can't stand babies) and losing the teen helper ministry, as well as reducing the amount of time I had to spend on curriculum development...I was crushed. Even though I also lost the conferences, which was a bright spot of the change, I was devastated to lose the teen helpers and gain a bunch of babies.

This began a very dark time in my life. I started my new position that May, and I was miserable. I quickly began to feel depressed. I couldn't sleep at night. I would regularly have to leave my desk, go to my secret hideaway at work, and curl up in a ball to cry. And I was very, very angry at God for doing this to me.

But here's the thing. I'd applied for other jobs, including one where I currently work, during my time at my old job. And while I hadn't even gotten as far as an interview in any of them, applying at those jobs made me think, "Could I really do that? Could I really leave the teen helper ministry?" I loved those teens, and letting go of that would've been really hard to justify.

So God just took it away from me. I didn't have to decide to let go, it was gone. Although that made me really angry, I can see now that he was loosening me up to prepare me for the next stage of my life. And because I had months to transition the ministry to new leadership, rather than a couple weeks, I was able to do so much more thoroughly.

As for the nursery? I'm so glad I didn't have to be there any longer than a couple months. (I put in my notice to go part time and only do curriculum about a month and a half into the nursery job.) But I did learn some things in my short time there that have applied to my current role. Even in a job that was a total square-peg-in-round-hole fit for me, God was teaching me, shaping me.

I said to my lunch buddy yesterday, "It was one of those things where I couldn't see God in the midst of it, but looking back he had such a great plan." And it's true. Everything that happened in 2008 was necessary for me to transition well to a new place in life.

When life seems dark and we don't know what on earth God is up to, he's still in the midst of it. He's probably doing something absolutely amazing, if you can just hold on.

Peace

I wrote my last blog, patience, during the commercial breaks of The Bachelorette. I've always known on some level it's a ridiculous show, but it's my guilty pleasure.

So on Monday I wrote my blog on patience, posted it, and returned my attention to the show. And suddenly I was struck with a fresh realization: This show is so stupid. 


Now let me be clear upfront: I'm still going to watch it. But in that moment I decided that I'd like Emily to pick my least favorite of the remaining guys. Because no matter who she picks, they'll probably break up in a few months, and I'll be far less disappointed then if she picks a guy I don't like now. I realized just how frivolous the whole thing is.

And despite my dad's opinion that the whole thing is done with paid actors and it's all fake, I don't think he's right. There are real human emotions at play, in my opinion. So I'm watching Emily bawl her eyes out over having to send someone home, and realizing that she's probably just picking someone to spend the next few months with, not the rest of her life, and I just had this big picture perspective of how silly it all was.

And then I thought, if I could take a step back from my life and see the big picture, maybe I'd see how silly I'm being sometimes. Not that it's bad to feel things or that we should shove down our emotions. But I let the dumbest things eat me up sometimes.

Like yesterday I was waiting to turn right out of the McDonald's parking lot, and someone else was turning right into the parking lot, only they weren't signaling so I didn't know I could turn, so I was waiting for them until I realized they were turning, only by then there was another car coming so I had to wait more. Anyway...this car that failed to signal honked at me as it turned in. SHE honked at ME? What did I do to deserve that? I was really ticked off until I remembered what the pastor said about not letting the little frustrations get to you, and about patience. Oopsies.

So it's dumb stuff like that. But even bigger picture...it's OK to feel, healthy to know your emotions, but when you let those feelings and worries consume you, that's not OK. And I do that, too. But if I could take a step back and see my life like I finally saw The Bachelorette on Monday, I'd probably roll with the punches a lot easier.

So I think it was a combination of those realizations and the discoveries I made as I wrote my blog on patience that gave me this overwhelming sense of peace. I've never experienced something quite like this before. I just turned off the TV when the show was over, went upstairs to get ready for bed, and felt this wave of peace sweep over me in regards to something I'd been letting consume me. And I wasn't even thinking about the thing then, just kinda brushing my teeth and such and this peace hit me. And it hasn't left! This peace is such a wonderful thing, and guess what it's helping bring with it: patience!

Patience

We've been going over the fruits of the Spirit in church for the past little bit. Three weeks ago was peace, which I missed. But that's OK. The one I really knew I needed more than any other was patience.

So I eagerly went to church two weeks ago, ready to hear about patience. And it turned out to be a missions Sunday, no sermon. So I thought, "Aww man, I have to wait to hear about patience!" Then last week I went and it was a 4th of July sermon. No patience. Again, I couldn't stand waiting. But I guess the pastor was (unintentionally) making me be patient for the sermon on patience.

So finally, yesterday, the day arrived. The sermon I'd waited impatiently for as proof that I needed to hear it. Here are some things that stuck out to me.

First of all, one of the ways he defined patience was "a calm assurance based on the certainty that God is in control." This really struck me because I thought, If patience is trusting that God is in control, maybe my impatience is rooted in trying to maintain control. And of course I can't have assurance with myself in control...I know I'll fail! I need to grow in trusting God and giving him control. I need to rely on this so much more.

The thing with the fruits of the Spirit is that they aren't really things you can push yourself to grow in. They aren't commands we're to strive to obey. They're fruits. Fruit just grows. If we're rooted in the Holy Spirit, the fruits grow. So my lack of patience demonstrates that I'm not abiding in Christ the way I need to. It all comes back to a lack of trust and letting him have the control that he really has anyway.

Here's the other thing that stuck out to me: Romans 5:3-5. Because sometimes I feel like one of the hardest thing about patience is uncertainty. How can you be patient for something you want or hope for when you don't know if you'll ever even get it? What if you're being patient for nothing? I actually wrote something along these lines in my sermon journal before the sermon started.

So when the pastor read Romans 5:3-5, I realized that patience yields good things even if we don't get what we're waiting for. Troubles produce patience, which produces character, which produces hope. I want a strong character. I want to be full of hope. So if I wait patiently for something I never attain, I still come out a winner.

Rejection

I've had my fair share of rejection in my life. Maybe because I've always been so bluntly honest. (My name does mean Truthful.) Whenever I liked a guy, I always ended up telling him, usually to find out that he just saw me as a "sister." And despite the fact that a couple of these guys even said things like "any guy would be nuts not to like you," I guess they identified themselves as nuts...because they didn't reciprocate my feelings.

But this never really got me down longterm. Of course, the sister line was heartbreaking in the moment, but it never made me feel more guarded in the future. My policy has always been to just be honest. If nothing else, it alleviates the game playing, the wondering, the ambiguity. Even the rejection provided a closure for me, a chance to know "nope, this isn't happening, so I can start to get over this now."

But things are different now. I realized recently that I'm much more guarded than I used to be. The rejection of the end of a marriage is far different than telling the guy who sits next to you in chapel that you're into him and having him say he's not into you. Even though in the case of my marriage, I was ready for it to be over, whereas with chapel-guy I didn't want to hear his rejection...it's still somehow harder this time.

Because when I got married I thought that was it. I was playing for keeps. This wasn't something that would end in rejection. This was for life. Or so I thought. To know that even my supposed life-long relationship ended in rejection left me a little more guarded. A little more jaded. A little more hopeless. Could I ever find a guy who likes me for me...even when the butterflies fade? (And yes, Bachelor and Bachelorette contestants, butterflies fade. Sorry to be the one to burst your bubble. No one lives happily ever after all the time.)

Most of this post-marriage period has been so good for me. So healing. Such a wonderful journey of empowerment and self-discovery. A journey toward a wholeness that I never had before. But then there's this part. This part that leaves me a little paralyzed, a little more fearful. A little less honest-ol'-Ali and a little more reserved, guarded Ali. It's a wound that may never fully heal.

But this is where I've been relishing: Ephesians 1 says that God chose me. In love he predestined me to be adopted. And get this—not just for my sake but for his pleasure. God delighted in me so much that he wanted to choose me. There will never be any rejection from God, of that I can be sure.

The End

Here's something that's captured my attention: John 11:4. Upon hearing that his friend Lazarus is sick, Jesus tells his disciples, "This sickness will not end in death."

The key word being end. Because it does result in death, for a few days.

And most of the time, death is the end. So what the disciples understood, then, was probably more like, "Lazarus won't die." You've got to wonder what the disciples thought, then, when Jesus later tells then Lazarus is dead. What did that do to their faith? Did they think he was a fraud? Did they think he just didn't really know what was going to happen? He told them he was going there to wake Lazarus up, but the sleeping metaphor had already confused them. And Thomas said they should go die with him...so perhaps they just thought death was a metaphor. But what about when they got to Bethany and found out he really was dead? What was going on in their heads?

Well, we just don't know. But I can tell you that trials much less final than death often feel like the end of the world to me. So often I lose sight of hope, of the future, of God's promises. So often I don't see how they could possibly be true. How could it possibly be true that Lazarus' sickness wouldn't end in death, when here he was, dead? How could it be that God is with me when sometimes, I just don't feel like he is? How can God really be victorious over Satan when sometimes his temptations reign so strongly in my life? How can God make the impossible possible when it really feels like the end of the story?

Lazarus' story reminds us that sometimes, what we think is the end is only the middle of the story. And the real end? Just what I recently reflected on in Philippians 3: "Our citizenship is in heaven. And we eagerly await a Savior from there, Christ Jesus our Lord."

This trial, this struggle, this temptation: it's not the end. It's just the middle of a story with a fabulous, glorious ending, already written by the God of impossibilities.

Finishing Well

Lately I've been thinking about finishing well in the faith. I spent June reflecting on Philippians 3 and things like this stuck out to me: "I want to know Christ and the power of his resurrection, and the fellowship of sharing in his sufferings, becoming like him in his death, and so somehow to attain the resurrection from the dead."

And this one: "I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus."

And then I launched into Ephesians yesterday and was struck by the fact that God has given me "every spiritual blessing."

After reflecting on that one, I kept thinking of the song "Give Me Jesus" by Fernando Ortega. I downloaded it and have been listening to it a lot.

So often my mind is consumed by "earthly things" as Philippians 3 calls them. But when it comes down to it, Jesus is every spiritual blessing I need. I am so complete in him. I just want to run toward him, to know him, to "gain Christ and be found in him." To be more like him. To reflect him to everyone around me.

I don't mean to sound cheesy. I'm just more in love with Jesus than ever. The leader of my DivorceCare group talked about how post-divorce was such a rich, sweet time for her faith...and that is so true for me, too.

Tonight I was listening to "Untitled Hymn (Come to Jesus)" by Chris Rice, and aside from the contradiction in the title (I never understood how he can call it untitled and then put a title in parentheses), I was near tears as he sang the last verse:

And with your final heartbeat

Kiss the world goodbye,

And go in peace, and laugh on glory's side

And fly to Jesus

Fly to Jesus

Fly to Jesus and live

It made me think of this assignment I had in college to write a biography about a Christian role model. The rule was they had to be dead or "close to dead" so that we knew they finished well.

This made me think about Asa (I know, my mind is quite the path to follow), a king in the Bible (1 Kings 15; 2 Chronicles 14) who loved and honored God almost his whole life. The Bible says his heart was "fully committed to the Lord all his life."

Except then in the 36th year of his reign, a battle is looming and he makes a treaty with another king instead of relying on God. In his 39th year he falls ill and the Bible says he did not seek help from the Lord, but only from his physicians. Two years later, he was dead. A lifetime of following God. 5 years of turning aside, and that's how he went out. Asa didn't finish well.

But someday on my deathbed, whether that's tomorrow or in 70 years, I want to be singing "Just give me Jesus." I want to fly to Jesus. I want to always be as in love with him as I am right this moment. And in between now and then, I don't want to let anything distract me from loving and honoring him.

Wildfire

Ever since High Park Fire started, I've been praying for it. I'm so excited to be able to say that it is now 100% contained, three weeks after it started. What an amazing accomplishment for the firefighters who tirelessly worked on it.

As I've been praying for it, I've been thinking about what lessons the fire carries with it. I reflected on James 3 one morning and it took on new meaning as I was seeing firsthand the devastation a wildfire can cause. The fact that my words can have that kind of devastating impact? Convicting.

But the thing that has really stuck with me is that rain is usually used as a metaphor for troubles. Michael W. Smith sang of the death of a loved one when he sang, "Into every life a little rain must fall, and losing one you love is like a storm." And people speak of troublesome times by saying things like, "when it rains, it pours."

And yet here I was, just praying for rain. Praying hard. On my hands and knees, begging God to send rain. And I still am - the High Park Fire may be fully contained but others still rage...and rain will help keep new fires from starting.

It finally started raining this week, during my church's VBS. Normally churches pray that it won't rain during VBS. But no one was praying that at my church this week. And when the rain interfered with our programming, the children's director thanked God for the rain and noted it was no big deal to rearrange our plans...keep the rain coming. Kids, volunteers, were dancing in the rain, standing out in it and catching it on their tongues, basking in the glory of rain. We all let out a cheer when one person got a phone alert about a flash flood warning. I'd never seen a reaction like that to rain before. Especially rain that happens during VBS.

I've always liked rain. I don't even own an umbrella because I like getting wet in the rain. But I've never realized how needed it was until now.

It kinda snuck up on me. Maybe the fire officials and such were more aware of the impending danger of our dry state. But me? I knew we hadn't gotten as much snow this winter, I guess. But my sprinkler's been keeping my lawn nice and green, my showers have been plentiful...so it just didn't feel "droughty" to me.

And then High Park Fire started. And soon others. Some by things as simple as a tire rim falling off a car and causing sparks to fly on the road. A tire rim. That's how dry it is.

And in all this I realized...if rain is a metaphor for troubles, we desperately need them. We can so easily become complacent in our faith when there's no rain falling. This was Satan's premise for testing Job. Satan believed that it was too easy for Job to worship God - everything was going well for him.

But the fact is, if we don't have troubles to test our faith, our faith becomes as dry as a forest of beetle-killed trees. And the damage that can happen when a little spark starts will destroy lives. We need the rain to keep us humble and prevent much greater destruction.

So whether you're experiencing rain in your life right now or you do in the future, remember how valuable that rain is. It might just be preventing devastation to your faith that is so great, you couldn't even imagine the damage.

"Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance." - James 1:2-3

"I pray for rain to come,
And wash away what has made me numb.
I pray for a raging storm to drown the sin in me.
And the rain comes in the nick of time,
I swallow hard 'cuz my throat's been dry.
The rain comes beating on my skin,
'til I'm washed away, nothing left within,
When your rain comes.
Your rain comes."

- PFR

Prayer

I've got to be honest. I'm feeling a bit discouraged by prayer right now.

You see, the High Park Fire has been torching tens of thousands of acres west of Fort Collins for over two weeks now. And ever since it started, I've been praying fervently for it. Not half-hearted prayers. Bold prayers. Prayers backed in faith that God can answer them. Prayers that God would drench our state. That he'd lower the temps and the wind, raise the humidity, and pour forth rain. I've been praying Scriptures about rain. Reading about Elijah and the cloud the size of a fist that brought forth a crazy amount of rain in a land that hadn't seen it for three years, and envisioning that as I prayed it for my state.

And yet the past week has been marked by record-breaking temperatures. So far in June, the area where the fire is has received .06 inches of rain. Total. Containment on Friday dropped by 15%.

I've been praying for the firefighters for strength. Then I read that one was medavac'ed on Friday due to dehydration. I've been praying for homes to be spared. 57 more homes burned this weekend.

I've been praying that God would prevent more fires from starting. This weekend, new fires began to pop up all over the state.

There've been other fires nearby. The one near Carter Lake last summer. Hewlett Gulch just a month or so ago, just north of where High Park is. And I never really followed those too closely, just whatever I read on Facebook. But somehow this one struck my heart from the very beginning, when I first heard about it and it was just 50 acres. With this fire, I felt compelled to follow it, and to pray.

So it's hard not to feel like my prayers have not only been ineffective, but like God is just doing the opposite of what I ask. It's hard to keep faith when the first fire I pray regularly for turns into the 2nd largest fire in Colorado state history. It's like when you tune into a basketball game halfway through and learn that your team has been winning the whole game, but as soon as you start to watch they start losing. And even though you know that it couldn't have had anything to do with the fact that you were watching, it's hard not to feel like you're a curse.

Only this isn't as frivolous as some basketball game. This is people's homes, even a life. And I know that a LOT of people have been praying. It's hard not to feel like God isn't listening to any of us.

I was just about to log into Blogger to write this blog when I read this Tweet. "RAIN!!!! RT @COEmergency its beginning to rain out off CR74E and Boy Scout Road (68C)"

It's 16 days in, but it's a glimmer of hope. A glimmer that God is listening. That somehow he will work good from this. And that he is in control.

Promise

This evening as I drove home from work, I thought through all the things I need to accomplish within the next week. And I wondered if it was humanly possible. I began to feel like I was drowning. Like all the organized planning in the world won't be enough to get me through this.

And then I noticed that there in the sky in front of me was a full, beautiful rainbow. And as I sat at the red light, admiring this rainbow, I prayed, "OK...so you promised not to flood the world again...can you promise not to flood my life?"

Well, I don't know if that's the new meaning of the rainbow, but I do know one thing. That rainbow was a reminder to me that I'm not in this alone. It's not a matter if it's "humanly" possible to do everything I need to do. With God, all things are possible. And as sure as the sun is there even when it's raining, God's there even when I feel flooded—causing a beautiful rainbow to shine out of my life.

Numb

This blog is going to be pretty personal. But hey, I tell it like it is.

Growing up, I was always a pretty emotional person. Just ask my high school best friend, Scott. He'll vouch for me. So would Jane, my college roommate.

And somewhere in the last 6 years, that changed. It was a gradual process, so much so that I didn't notice it happening until people close to me started saying they wished I'd share my feelings more. It baffled me when they said that. Me? Not sharing my feelings? That's like saying I don't eat enough cookies. (Don't worry, I do.)

But when I took a closer look, I realized they were right. And I realized why. My marriage was painful for a long time. And I'm not putting all that blame on my ex, I'm just saying it was hard. And at some point I developed the ability to become numb to it. I'd never had the ability to numb my emotions before, but I guess when you hurt enough it turns into a callous. So it wasn't that I wasn't sharing my feelings...it was that I wasn't feeling them very often in the first place.

But you know how in the movie Click, when he starts fast forwarding through the negative things like fights with his wife and his kids annoying him, he finds that the remote is automatically skipping times with his wife and kids? Even the good times? That's kind of what happened. When I learned to become numb in the area of my marriage, I didn't just become numb to the pain. I became numb to the relationship. I think that's one reason the divorce process was so much easier for me than it is for most people. Someone in the video at my Divorce Care class said, "You only grieve for the things you care about." And that summed it up for me. I wasn't grieving because I didn't care anymore.

That's not to say I'd given up or stopped loving my husband during the marriage. I was doing what I could to fight for us. It's just that I was doing it numbly. Like drinking a glass of water when your mouth is still numb from the dentist. You can get the water into your stomach, but you haven't enjoyed the refreshment of the cool water.

Anyway, I came to this realization several months ago, it's not new to me now. What is new is that I started to see this habit of numbness creeping up again when something was starting to feel painful. Only it wasn't painful enough yet to become calloused, so I couldn't really numb it. But I found myself subconsciously transferring my emotion of pain and disappointment to anger. Because anger didn't feel quite as bad. So if I could make myself feel that instead, that would be an improvement.

Fortunately, I recognized this in myself within a couple of days. And I'm giving it to God and asking him to help me be emotionally healthy. Not oversensitive, but not numb, either. Because I don't want to become so emotionally numb that I can't feel joy anymore.

Individualized Faith

I've blogged before about how I think Jeremiah 29:11 is overused and more importantly, mis-used. And one thing I didn't really get into in that blog that is a common misuse of a lot of verses is the way we individualize things.

Over and over the church is addressed as a body. It begins in the Old Testament with the covenant with the nation of Israel. It continues with Jesus' teachings to the masses. And Paul's letters are mostly written to entire church bodies, rather than individuals. If the English language had a differentiation between the singular and plural "you," we'd probably recognize this more easily.

But there's only one form of "you," so we easily take verses like Jeremiah 29:11 personally, as if each of us is the only one that matters. A verse that was meant to bring ultimate hope to a nation is used to say God is going to give us as individuals hope and a future. But what we don't consider is that for most of the people who heard that message from Jeremiah, there was no personal hope, no personal future other than being in exile. 70 more years, they had in store. Which meant most of them died before this "hope and a future" ever came to light. But that was OK. Because it wasn't about some individual 40 year-old guy who'd die a captive. It was about God's redemptive plan for his people.

The patriarchs got it. Hebrews 11 lists men and women of faith and says in verse 13: "All these people were still living by faith when they died. They did not receive the things promised; they only saw them and welcomed them from a distance. And they admitted that they were aliens and strangers on earth."

They obeyed God because they knew it wasn't about them. God's promises to them weren't about what they as individuals would get. It was about God's grand plan for the world. Later in Hebrews 11:39-40, it says, "These were all commended for their faith, yet none of them received what had been promised.  God had planned something better for us so that only together with us would they be made perfect."

It's not about you. It's not about me. It's not even about the church body that exists today. It's about everyone who calls God their Father, those who have passed on and those who will succeed us.

It's not that faith isn't personal. It is. I'm so thankful that I can come before God as an individual, with all of my weaknesses and baggage that I don't want anyone else to see.

It's just that there's so much more to it than that. Limiting our view of God's plan to just our own lives is like watching one minute of the Star Wars movies and thinking you've seen the whole thing. (Confession: I did fall asleep numerous times so I can't say I've seen the whole thing. But, it being an iconic and well-loved series, I thought it was an apt metaphor.)

Now I don't mean to come across as condescending. I'm not exaggerating when I say that I am thinking only of myself at least 90% of the time. When I read the Bible, or just in general, it's all about me. But I think that's a problem.

I've also been guilty of complaining about the church. (Though I've also said nice things about the body of Christ.) And with the viral video "Why I Hate Religion, But Love Jesus," fuel has only been added the fire of this anti-church yet pro-Jesus subculture. Believe me, I've been there. But recently some lyrics in the song "The Church" by Derek Webb really struck me.

'Cause I haven't come for only you

But for my people to pursue

And you cannot care for me

With no regard for her

If you love me you must love the church

Jesus helped individuals. He took care of individual needs like restoring sight to the blind or making the lame walk. And he still does that. But his message of love wasn't just for one person. It's often said that, "If you were the only sinner in the world, Jesus still would've died for you." And maybe that's true. Maybe he would've. But the fact is, I'm not the only sinner in the world. Jesus died for a lot of people. Everyone, as it turns out.

And if I'm really capturing the beat of my heart, I'm recognizing that faith isn't about ME. It's about his great love for the whole world. And if I get to be a part of that plan, that's amazing! Because what we are capable of doing for God is infinitely greater than what you+you+you+me are capable of doing for God on our own.