Turbulence

When I flew home at Christmas, I had the scariest flight experience of my life. Most of the flight was smooth, but as we began our descent we hit some turbulence. And this wasn't just a few little bumps. The plane was bouncing all over the place. You could see people's heads bobbing up and down. At one point the plane was on its side, and you could tell it wasn't because the pilot was trying to make a turn.

The plane felt completely out of control.

And of course, the only thing I could do in that moment was pray. I couldn't take over the piloting, and even if I was an expert pilot, it wouldn't have made a difference. I couldn't stop the air currents from causing the turbulence. But I had a lot at stake: Dunkin Donuts awaited me.

Well, the extreme turbulence continued through the entire descent. Even as the wheels hovered just a few feet off the runway, ready to touch down, the plane felt out of control. People clapped when we landed safely.

I'm someone who definitely likes to feel in control. I do a lot of planning ahead. I map out how each day should go. I arrange things just the way I want them. I have 16 dog-shaped erasers on my desk at work and when a co-worker turned two around so they didn't face the same direction as the others, I noticed within a couple of working days and rectified the problem.

And in the airport just before the flight, I'd been writing in a journal about my control issues. And that sometimes, I needed to learn to let go. That there were some things I just couldn't control and shouldn't try to.

So, chalk that turbulence up to God giving me an experience to cement that principle. When I was in a situation where I felt out of control, it was completely instinctual to go to the One who could bring control. The One who really was in control all along.

Now I just need to learn to give him the flight plan.

Moment

"This is the day the Lord has made; let us rejoice and be glad in it." —Psalm 118:24

Lately I've been thinking a lot about being present. Not that this is new for me. Like many women, I struggle with enjoying the moment I'm in...always thinking about what I'm going to do next and trying to do too many things at once.

I've been reading Jesus Calling for my devotional time, and this is a recurring theme. Several weeks ago (February 25) it said "Do not bolt into the day like a racehorse suddenly released. Instead, walk purposefully with Me, letting Me direct your course one step at a time."

The verse that introduced this blog came to mind then, and I thought...it's not just the day the Lord has made. Maybe I need to break it down further. This is the moment the Lord has made. I don't want to let it slip past me.

One reason I love to go to hot yoga class is because it forces me to embrace the moment. In yoga, you have to give so much focus to the way you're moving your body, the breathing, the balance, everything...you can't leave that moment. You can't get distracted. Much more so in hot yoga, in a class with other people, than when I use a DVD at home. This is a great practice for me.

I'm training to be a volunteer where I'll be working with people who've experienced trauma. Last week in training we talked about vicarious trauma - when you move from empathy to sympathy after dealing with so many victims of trauma and begin to experience the same emotions and reactions as the original victims. The trainer talked about various strategies to avoid and/or cope with this. One thing he talked about was being able to remain in the present. He talked about a few ways to do that but one thing that stuck out to me was to focus on the things going on around you. What do you smell, hear, feel, taste, and see?

I've been applying that to my life when I feel like I'm getting too far ahead of myself...because this principle applies in many situations, not just vicarious trauma. How many times do I miss what's going on around me because I'm living in a past or future moment? When I realize that's happening, I stop, take a deep breath, and focus on my senses.

Mother Teresa once said, "Yesterday is gone. Tomorrow has not yet come. We have only today. Let us begin."

Ms.

I can't remember a time as a kid when I didn't just dream of being married. That was my number one goal in life, especially once I hit my teen years. I daydreamed about my husband, kept a journal for him, prayed for him, set up a "marriage display" in my bedroom. On the few occasions where someone dared to raise the idea that I might not end up getting married, I was terrified. How could I possibly live if God had called me to be single?

It wasn't like the typical little-girl-dreaming-of-her-wedding-day kind of thing. I actually thought very little of my wedding day. I never put a pillowcase on my head and pretended to be a bride. I didn't think about what kind of flowers or cake I might want. I didn't keep a binder like Monica Geller's. I didn't care much at all about the wedding day. I just wanted to be married.

Well, I got married. And 5 years later, I got divorced. That was an outcome I'd never thought possible.

So now, I'm single again. And people will ask from time to time if I'm dating, or if I've thought about getting remarried, and so on. And while I'm not as opposed to the idea of remarriage someday as I am to the idea of having kids someday...I really don't desire it. If I never date or marry again, I can picture myself being quite happy with that.

I've gotten to a place where I love my solitude. 20 minutes in Walmart and I am just itching to be away from people. Granted, Walmart shoppers are a particularly obnoxious and unaware bunch. But when I unload my cart and sit down in my car, I turn off the radio (if it was on...I often prefer to drive in silence anyway), I turn off the vents, and I just bask in the silence for a few moments before I back out of my parking space.

On one such occasion, it struck me. I really love being single. Not just tolerate it, or have found peace with it. I prefer it. And that's not just because my marriage was less than ideal. It's because I am so autonomous. Deciding when to eat dinner and what to cook is all up to me. What food am I in the mood for? The fact that it is invariably some type of carb-on-carb meal doesn't have to bother anyone else. Because no one else is eating it. And I can be as anal as I want about how my house is organized. (Boy, am I ever anal.) I can decorate the way I want to decorate. I can spend my money the way I want to spend it. It's all up to me. Sure, Peanut puts in her say, but at the end of the day, I don't have to consider how anyone else would like my stuff. And I love it.

As I sat in my car in the Walmart parking lot in utter silence, realizing I love being single, I realized that perhaps...despite all my years of searching for my soul mate...I was actually wired to be single. Because I don't feel lonely. I don't wish I had a man to spend my evenings with. I love my life just the way it is.

There's this idea that if you're single, there's either something wrong with you or you're to be pitied. One Bachelor contest was mocked for being 31 and still single. What was wrong with her that she wasn't married yet by 31, said her competitor. As if being married, or at least in a serious relationship, is a better, more desirable life. And maybe it is for some. But for me...I really don't feel I'm to be pitied. Life is great!