Best of Blogs #19

Stampeding Elephants, originally posted 9/1/08. I just really liked this one.

I was watching this new dog reality show the other day - The Great American Dog or something like that. They had this competition where the dogs had to sit on a target, and their owner had to stand on the sidelines and tell them to stay. There was a banana just in front of the dog, and an elephant coming toward the dog to get the banana. If the dog left the target, they were out. So they had to believe that although a huge, trumpeting animal was coming toward them, their owner wouldn't tell them to stay if it was dangerous. In the end, the smallest dog, I think a bichon, won that part of the competition.

Wow. That's the kind of trust I want to have in my Master. Knowing that whatever He tells me to do, He has my best interest in mind. Knowing that even when it seems like life is an elephant charging for me, God knows what is going on, and if He tells me to stay - I will stay.

Best of Blogs #18

Update on Life, originally posted 7/17/08. What you need to know is that right after I decided to trust God and make this healthy decision - 9 days after I made the decision, in fact - that "something more" job opened up at the company I wanted to someday work for - Group! Sometimes trusting God means letting go before you know what his next step is for you. So this blog was written in between making my decision and finding the opening at Group.

I always try to be ambiguous when I talk about my job, just in case any creepy stalker people are reading my blog and want to hunt me down. But if you know me and where I work, you should be able to follow along.

Back in March I received notice that due to budget cuts, they were taking away part of my current job and giving me something new, something which I had absolutely no passion or heart for. It's not that it was unimportant, it just wasn't...me.

But since it was either that or unemployment, I stayed on. I figured I'd give it a try, see what happened. Who knew? As many people pointed out, maybe I'd figure out I actually loved my new job! Or so they said. Since May 1st when the new position started, I've been finding myself getting depressed, constantly stressed out, and with very little drive for life. In other words, not me at all. If you know me...really know me...you know I am a very optimistic, happy, high-energy person. Or was. Dan has wondered where that Ali has gone.

Then this Sunday I heard someone talk about identity. I realized too much of my identity was wrapped up in what I do. Namely because I spend so much time there, and so many facets of my life besides work are wrapped up in my place of work, and it's hard to separate the two. So I started to think more seriously about stepping down from the new part of my job. It wasn't just what I wanted to do deep down but knew wasn't practical anymore. It was something I thought would really be a good step towards a healthy emotional life. It was a serious consideration.

On Monday I talked to one of my bosses about whether or not I could go part time and just keep the stuff I used to do. He said he'd be fine with that, if I decided to do that for sure. He'd have to get it approved if I decided that was what I wanted to do. I still was debating.

On Tuesday, I was looking ahead toward a future assignment for my new job and found myself feeling totally overwhelmed. Pretty soon I was curled up in the fetal position in a dark corner of an unused room, weeping. And I realized that that's exactly where I was my first week of my new job. Then and there I decided, curled up hiding from it all and thinking about running away was not where I wanted to stay any longer. It had been almost 3 months, and nothing had changed. At least not for the better.

So I found my other boss and talked to her about my decision. Only this time, it wasn't an "is this possible, hypothetically" discussion. It was an "is this possible, because this is my decision," discussion. She checked with the powers-that-be and it turned out, it was possible. So on Tuesday afternoon around 4, it was made official. As of August 15th, I will be a part time employee doing just the stuff I've loved all along.

Some people don't think it's practical. Can Dan and I afford to live with half of my income gone? What if I don't find another part time job to fill in the gap? Others have congratulated me, knowing how hard it is to make the healthy decision at the risk of financial instability.

Me? I feel like a huge weight has been lifted. I feel like God is already blessing me in my decision, and I've already gotten a freelance offer to write for a company I really love and want to work for full time someday. It's just one project, but who knows...it could lead to more! I've also found a potential part time job that I'm really hopeful about...it sounds like a ton of fun and I'd get to actually play with children!

Best of Blogs #17

If Abraham Said No, originally posted 2/17/08. Interestingly I was just talking with a friend about this today, not realizing it was lined up to be my blog tonight! This blog is so poignant to me right now.

I was thinking the other day, as I listened to CD's of Phil Vischer sharing his story...what if Abraham had said no?

What if, when God called him to put Isaac on the altar, Abraham HADN'T trusted that God would provide another sacrifice, and wasn't willing to take that chance with his only son?

Would God have taken Isaac away? Abraham didn't have to kill Isaac...it turned out God was just testing him to see what he really loved more...so what if Abraham had failed the test? What if Abraham had shown that he loved Isaac more than God?

I wonder if God would have just taken Isaac himself and picked someone else to begin the line of chosen people. I don't know...maybe He wouldn't have because He made a promise to Abraham. So maybe He would have kept that promise. But God hasn't made any promises that specific to me. So if I put something before Him - even if it's a godly activity or a noble goal - maybe He'd just take it away and choose someone else.

Phil was talking about dreams and about how our dreams have to be less important to us than God is. Whatever God calls us to do, however He is using us...it's all less important to God than our relationship with Him.

At first that sounds selfish. God cares more about my relationship with Him than about all these other people whose lives I could be changing? But that's just the attitude that we shouldn't have. God can change those lives with or without our help. He doesn't care more about us than He cares about the other people, but He does care more about us than how He is using us in the lives of other people.

Which brings me to this...I'm at a point in my life where I don't feel like I'm doing very much. I've even blogged about that within the past couple months, about how this world is so broken and I want to do more to change it.

But really, the brokenness of this world is so much bigger than me and I have to trust God to take care of it. And if He uses me, that's awesome...but in the mean time, I need to trust that whether or not I can see the difference I am making, or whether or not I am making a difference at all, God cares more about my relationship with Him than any of that.

Phil talked about how Noah literally saved the world. He gathered up all those animals and started things clean when God called him to. And that sounds awesome, but Phil observed that Noah was 500 years old when God called him to build the ark. And in the mean time, Noah wasn't building helicopters or rafts or in any way trying to force God to use him for something great. He was just walking with God. That's what the Bible says.

I need to believe that if I'm walking with God, putting Him before any of my dreams (however noble and godly they may be), that He will call me to do exactly what He wants me to do, when He wants me to do it. And if I'm really walking with Him, I'll be ready. Even if I have to wait until I'm 500 years old.

Best of Blogs #16

Skipping ahead now to 2008...When God Says No, originally posted 2/12/08. This was in the face of a really hard career change...so it seems timely for some of my friends!

David really wanted to build the temple. I mean, it was really on his heart, it was a great way to honor God, and he was a man of God who would have really put his all into the project. So why did God say no?

In 1 Kings, David's son Solomon builds the temple. And we read that it's time now because Israel is at peace, so they can really focus on it.

It wasn't that David wanted to do something bad. It was that God had something else for him to do...defend His people. A lot of people were waging war against them. David needed to fight. It just wasn't God's timing to build the temple in David's life, and it wasn't what God had on David's to-do list.

Recently I didn't get to do something that I really hoped I'd be able to do. It was a great, godly thing. It was terribly upsetting to be rejected from it. But for whatever reason, God chose someone else. And even though I don't know His reasons, I need to trust that He is in control, and that He has something else that He wants me to do.

Best of Blogs #15

This Is the Way, Walk In It, originally posted 11/10/06.

I discovered this passage earlier this week and I think it's just about the coolest thing I've read in a long time:

"O people of Zion, who live in Jerusalem, you will weep no more. How gracious he will be when you cry for help! As soon as he hears, he will answer you. Although the Lord gives you the bread of adversity and the water of affliction, your teachers will be hidden no more; with your own eyes you will see them. Whether you turn to the right or to the left, your ears will hear a voice behind you, saying, "This is the way; walk in it." – Isaiah 30:19-21

One thing I noticed as I re-read the passage last night is that God's answer to our cry for help won't necessarily be to solve our problems and take away our pain. He might still give us "the bread of adversity and the water of affliction." But He does promise to clearly, audibly direct us as we decide which way to go in the midst of hard times. It's still up to us to listen and heed His direction. My prayer is that I will not only hear Him telling me "This is the way; walk in it," but that I will then go and walk in the way He has revealed.

Best of Blogs #14

"Update on My Latest Engagements," originally posted on 10/9/06:

Well everyone, if you couldn't figure it out by my "clever" title...Dan proposed to me!! And, surprise of all surprises, I said yes!

So right now I am loving typing because I can look at the beautiful ring on my left hand!!

And to answer the question on all of your minds...how did it happen? Well, I woke up Saturday morning, got ready, got in my car and there was a bag in my passenger seat from Jared Jewelers. I was like, "what a dork, he forgot it in my car??" Only then I realized that he hadn't driven my car in a while, so the bag must be there intentionally. Was he hiding behind a tree somewhere? I peeked in the bag and there was a note inside that said, "Nuh uh...no peeking! See me if you want the real thing..." So the little sneak fooled me...

Later in the day we went letterboxing (check out www.letterboxing.org if you don't know what letterboxing is) at Lapham Peak, a beautiful park/forest preserve thing. We hiked around a bit and he seemed pretty nervous. Then he wanted to go put our letterboxing supplies in the car and I wanted to get a drink (and give him privacy to get anything he might need out of the car...). After that we went to this lookout dock by where we were parked and he seemed really nervous, like he was trying to decide when to do it...then he looked at me and was like, "ah, forget it..." and handed me a cardboard box.

Here's the part where I ruined the moment. You know how Fiona is when Shrek tries to rescue her? Yeah that was me... I was like, "What are you doing? You can't just hand me the box!" Poor Dan had this distraught look on his face and was like, "I just wanted you to open it..." I apologized and he opened the box for me and pulled out the ring box. Then he got down on one knee and asked me to marry him. I'd been planning on doing a whole fake-out pretend to think about it thing when he asked, but I had already ruined his plan once and I was so caught up in the excitement of being proposed to that I simply said yes. The ring, by the way, is beautiful - better than anything I could have imagined. And even though we kind of ruined each other's moments...the important thing is that we are getting married!!

Best of Blogs #13

The Fusing of Two, originally posted 9/27/06.

I'm really glad that I am dating Dan, and it's a huge blessing to know that God has brought me the man I'm going to marry. But it doesn't come without work!

The process of a relationship is an interesting thing. Being single is lonely, but you can be selfish a lot more easily, if you want. It's not going to cause any huge conflicts. But try to be selfish when you don't just have yourself to think about anymore, and it's an issue. Compromise didn't really need to be a huge part of my vocabulary when I was single, but now it's a major thing.

The more time you spend in a relationship with someone, the more you discover the differences you have – different preferences, different traditions, even different ways of doing the dishes. And if you can't compromise or insist on doing everything, whether big or little, the way you are used to, you'll just have an unhealthy relationship. The fusing of two is a wonderful, beautiful process, but it requires sacrifices that I didn't have to worry about when I was single.

Best of Blogs #12

Moving to Wisconsin, originally posted 8/22/06

I don't usually use my blog to give specific updates on my life...I usually love being contemplative and metaphorical in my blogs. However, I couldn't think of anything good to write about today, so I thought, why not update everybody on some very exciting news!?

Dan will be moving to Wisconsin on Saturday, and I am VERY excited! Pray for him because he's still looking for a job, but praise God because it looks like he'll be all set for temporary housing until his apartment opens up in October. God really opened up some doors for him to come so soon, and we're pretty excited about being together!!

Everybody be really nice to him even though he has a weird accent and says "water fountain" and "pop." If he asks you where the water fountain is, just gently say, "bubbler," and point him in the right direction. He'll be wearing green and gold before you know it!!

Pressing On

If you hadn't noticed, I stopped posting my "Best of Blogs series" this week. I'll get back to it, but it just didn't feel right at the time. Because on Monday, 26 people at my work got laid off. Including some of my closest friends. I just couldn't bring myself to blog as normal - or do much of anything as normal. I was in shock.

I'm thankful that I didn't lose my job. But at the same time I've been really mourning the loss of so many great partners in ministry. It's been this tension between hope for the future of Group and my career there, and this sense that the people I thought I'd be journeying with towards the future of Group are gone. On Monday I couldn't work at all. I felt too emotionally heavy. Tuesday wasn't much better, but I was in cleaning mode. I got out the cleaning supplies and scrubbed people's desks. Because I couldn't focus on real work, and I wanted to do something, and that felt like something I could do.

And then in my car, listening to my CDs on random, this song sung by Nicol Sponberg came on. It's given me comfort in tough times before, and it did so again. And I felt like maybe it would give comfort to the people who were let go Monday, too.

When the valley is deep
When the mountain is steep
When the body is weary
When we stumble and fall

When the choices are hard
When we're battered and scarred
When we've spent our resources
When we've given our all

In Jesus' name, we press on
In Jesus' name, we press on
Dear Lord, with the prize
Clear before our eyes
We find the strength to press on

In Jesus' name, we press on
In Jesus' name, we press on
Dear Lord, with the prize
Clear before our eyes
We find the strength to press on
To press on

Best of Blogs #11

Paranoia, Paranoia, Everybody's Coming to Get Me, originally posted 7/26/06.

Even though I am a bluntly honest person, there's always this fear within me in relationships that if I'm really my true self, it won't be long before the other person in the relationship decides I'm simply not worth it. Namely because that's how it's always worked for me before. So I've been myself, but also a little bit guarded, not wanting to be unattractive.

I felt that insecurity today for the first time with Dan. He's been so good at affirming me that those fears had fallen away, and I'd been so comfortable to be myself with no fear that it would scare him off. But sooner or later, we all have to face our fears, and so this evening I spent a good deal of time being irrationally afraid that because of one silly little comment I had made he was going to stop liking me.

Thankfully, he's better than that. So we talked about our fears and he helped me to feel comfortable to be myself again - because he likes the whole me, quirks and all. I really believe that through his unconditional love, he is going to teach me to conquer those insecurities.

Best of Blogs #10

Five Years, originally posted 7/15/06. It's kind of cheating because it's really ten years old; it was already 5 years old when I posted it on my blog. But I thought it was cool. It's amazing to see how life just keeps getting better and better as God continues to unveil his plan for me.

On May 14, 2001, I wrote this poem:

Just Wait Five Years
By Alison Bennett

I hate homework;

I hate my friendship with Scott being in shambles;

Sometimes, I hate being a teenager.

I hate the roller coaster of life;

I hate high school;

Sometimes, I hate myself.

I hate being left out;
I hate trying my hardest to fit in;

Sometimes, I hate people.

I hate wishing for the past;

I hate waiting for the future;

Sometimes, I hate the present.

But I take comfort in this:

Five years ago my boyfriend broke up with me.

Five years ago - I was in tears then too.
Five years ago I felt like an even bigger loser than I do now.

Five years ago I felt like I would never feel better because Nick had dumped me.

Now I laugh at the thought that I went out with him.
Now I laugh that I thought maybe he was The One.
Now I laugh that it hurt me when he dumped me.
Now things are all better in that respect.

Now I have new troubles that plague me and torment me to tears.

Five years from now I will look back at this and laugh.
Five years from now high school, even college, will be complete.
Five years from now this will be a distant memory, and I will laugh for having cried over it.
Five years from now, I will hopefully be with the man I am going to marry.
Five years from now, he will hold me close in his arms, and reassure me that five years ago was just a nightmare.

If I can just wait five years...

Five years and one month later, on June 14, 2006, I met Dan. Actually, we'd been penpals since just a few months after I wrote the poem, but we had no idea then what God had in store for us...if we just waited five years. Which we now have.

Now I don't normally have the gift of prophecy, but that was too crazy to be a coincidence.

Best of Blogs #9

Not So Nervous Anymore, originally posted 7/8/06 - the day after Dan & I started dating.

Well, all my nervousness was just silly. Dan didn't change his mind. He still wanted to date me. So now we are.

We had a great time - went to see Cars, made chicken parmesan (he is a great cook!!), and went to a pool party with my friends. They all approved.

It's really strange to be dating again. It's been over a year. But it seems so natural, and I have so much peace from God about this relationship. It won't be easy (since he lives in Ohio), but he is definitely worth it.

Pray for us, if you think of it, because I have a tendency to mess up relationships and I really, really don't want to do that with Dan.

Best of Blogs #8

I Gave Devil's Lake a Foothold, originally posted 5/20/06.

Wow. What a great camping trip that was. I'm so glad I went.

In a period of not much more than 24 hours, during which I didn't even have any time alone with God to pray or read my Bible, God did some pretty awesome things in my heart.

He gave me a lot of peace about some stuff that I needed peace about. Lying in my sleeping bag last night, worrying, God spoke to me in the silence, reminding me that I can trust Him, and He knows what He's doing with my life.

He helped me see His faithfulness in my life, mostly through conversations with others. I'll blog soon about the things God has taught me and brought me through in the past year, and a lot of it has to do with this point. Let me sum up by saying that a year ago I knew no one here outside of work, and after months of loneliness and just the past few months of good friendships, it was so awesome to see how God has brought me people to go camping with. And none of my closest friends were even on the trip. The people I knew as more than just acquaintances were few, and a year ago I would have been pretty introverted in that kind of situation and not been able to have good conversations. I probably would have clung to the people I already knew and not met anyone knew. But through the process God has brought me through in the past year, He has been shaping me and I am so glad because I got to have awesome conversations with people and get to know some neat people. I love people. They are so unique and fun and beautiful.

Today we went on a nice long, beautiful hike. Part of the hike involved climbing about 500 feet almost vertically up a rocky bluff. Now, ordinarily this would NOT be something I would do. I'm not afraid of heights, but I am afraid of falling to my death from unsafe footing. But I did it, and I'm so glad I did. I kept thinking of the line from The Rest of God that I quoted a few days ago - "It's just that you brushed death and escaped. It's that you tasted life and came back for more." No, I did not brush death, or even do anything that would seem terribly dangerous to most people. But I did something that, for me, required courage and in the end was completely fun and exhilarating. I finished that climb wanting to be stretched more and to have more adventures. It will always be a process, but I'm excited to see where God will go with that one.

And of course, the scenery (and weather) was simply beautiful. It's so amazing to look at vast hills and trees and boulders and think that in one word God just spoke them into existence. At first it made me feel small, only then I thought to myself, I think that driving through the city you ought to be equally, if not more amazed at God's creation, because you see so many people there and people are His most beautiful creation, made in His image. As a person, I am one of God's most beautiful creations. Which is crazy because my heart can be pretty ugly sometimes.

Then there was the drive home, which I did alone because I had to leave early. A two hour drive alone seemed like 15 minutes to me, and my cheekbones hurt from smiling so much. I was just praying and praising God and singing to Him the whole way home, and smiling so huge because I was just feeling so filled with Him and so grateful for all that He has done in my life in the past year, and in the past 24 hours

Best of Blogs #7

All Is Never Lost, originally posted 4/28/06 (just a couple months before I started dating Dan). Here's a link to the song I mention: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KcQE2FvhhKc.

Two years ago, I was completely broken-hearted. A relationship that had never officially been a relationship but that had taken my heart had officially ended, and I was miserable. I had jumped so far ahead in my mind and in my heart that I was convinced this was the guy I was going to marry - and now it was over.

I needed to go for a drive - one of those drives where you have no destination - just to clear my head. Unfortunately, I didn't have a car. So I had to manage with a nice, long, tearful walk.

I ended up at a park, and I sat on a swing and started singing the Caedmon's Call song "Table For Two" - about how I was afraid of being alone, and maybe I had missed my only chance. Even though the song was about trusting God in the midst of that, I really felt quite hopeless. That I'd found the right guy and somehow had been too pushy, or too rushed, or just not good enough, or for whatever reason had screwed the whole thing up and now it was over, and I was destined to a life of pining after a man who didn't love me. I was faced with the terrible thought that I had missed my only chance at romance.

Now, two years later, I can't even imagine how I thought that. I'm so glad that I met this guy - it was a desire to be near him that originally brought me to Milwaukee - but I am also very glad that we are not together now. I know that there are plenty of other fish in the sea, and all is not lost because I didn't end up with this guy. In fact, all would have been lost if I had.

But at the time, I couldn't see two years ahead. I couldn't see two months ahead. All I could see was the present, and the present hurt and felt hopeless, and I transferred that to the rest of my life. So often we forget that while we are busy focusing on the here and now, God is looking at the pain in the context of our entire lives, reminding us not to despair. I hadn't missed out on anything; God had spared me from a relationship that was not healthy and never would have been. In God's economy, no matter how much it hurts right now, all is never lost.

Now every time I hear that song, I see my sad self sitting on the swing and God reminds me to keep hoping in His plans for me, whatever they may be.

Best of Blogs #6

Breaking Into the Inner Circle, originally posted 4/23/06.

See the girl in the back, on the right? That's me in 6th grade.

I remember my exact emotions when that picture was being taken. It was nearing the end of a school year filled with failed attempts to fit in. I'd tried everything, and yet never really felt like I was in with any group.

This was the group I really wanted to be in with, because they were the popular girls. So when they posed for a picture, I stood in the back and tried to look like I belonged. But I remember feeling SO out of place in this picture, like they didn't even know I was posing in it with them. I felt like this random extra person in the back who had no reason to be in the picture. It felt like the picture was an inner circle, and I was on the outside.

Tonight, standing around a bonfire at a party, I felt the exact opposite of that emotion. I felt like I'd finally made it in. If the bonfire was an inner circle, I was in it. No longer was I a random extra person in the back; no longer did I feel invisible. And as I stood there, not on the outside of the circle but as a part of it, this picture flashed before my mind, and I just had to smile and bask in the contentment of a lifelong dream of acceptance being realized.

Best of Blogs #5

The Year the Locusts Have Eaten, originally posted 3/26/06. This was in regards to a trip I was supposed to go on with my Dad in high school, but didn't get the chance. We went in June 06. :)

"I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten—the great locust and the young locust, the other locusts and the locust swarm — my great army that I sent among you. You will have plenty to eat, until you are full, and you will praise the name of the LORD your God, who has worked wonders for you; ever again will my people be shamed. Then you will know that I am in Israel, that I am the LORD your God, and that there is no other; never again will my people be shamed." - Joel 2:25-27

This passage was read at 20-something on Wednesday in a totally different context, but today I've been thinking about it in the context of my counseling. There's one thing in particular that I missed out on because of the very things I'm finding healing from in my counseling, and I really want the opportunity to go back and do it.

So today I looked online at how feasible it would be, and I think it might work. If I have the guts to ask...

Sometimes I think healing might really come when the years the locusts have eaten are repaid.



Best of Blogs #4

I Don't Deserve Shiny Smooth Fingernails, originally posted 3/19/06.

Today I was at the mall and a salesman at a center aisle kiosk asked me if I wanted to see something amazing. Skepticism up, but interested to see what I would be "amazed" by, I said, "sure."

The man gently took my right hand. This was getting weird fast. But I waited to see what would happen. "See these lines?" he asked, pointing at the vertical ridges on my nails. I nodded. "Everyone has them. Watch this." He started scraping one of my fingernails with a rectangular thingamajigger. He explained that it was some diamond thing or something that got rid of the ridges. Sure enough, the ridges were gone.

"But wait! There's more!" he assured me. He turned the rectangular thing. Now it was a cotton surface. It felt warm and soothing, like a massage for my nails.

Then came the silk side. It made my nail very shiny, as though I had painted it with clear nail polish. All without any chemicals.

He was right, I was amazed. And he wasn't even done! There was also some chemical thing that removed excess cuticles like magic.

I was even more amazed when he told me it cost 40 bucks for the whole kit. (It also included lotion.)

I told him I couldn't afford it. Through conversation, he ended up offering it to me for $25. I still declined. But in the midst of his sales pitch, he was telling me that it was such a good deal because the kit would last 2 years and someone who gets a manicure twice a month spends about $600 a year on her nails.

I told him I'd never gotten a manicure. He was shocked. "But you are a beautiful woman; you deserve beautiful nails! This is a treat for you!"

I don't think it would have been wrong to spend $25 on the nail kit. I do think it would have been wrong to buy it under the premise that for whatever reason, I somehow deserve shiny smooth fingernails. Because the (beautiful) starving children in Africa deserve food, and it's just not always an option. And here I am, being told I should buy a nail kit because I deserve it.

The last discount he offered me, which dropped it from $32 to $25, was because he said I was a "woman of God." It was that comment that truly stopped me from buying the kit. Because lets face it, the one nail that he treated looks awesome. And my other nine nails don't match it now. But if I am a woman of God, I cannot fall for the sales pitch that I deserve something so extravagant as shiny, smooth nails.

Best of Blogs #3

I'm going to go out of order and go with this post, originally from 4/28/08. It's called "Dreaming of Tarshish."

Sometimes I wonder what is the point of the story of Jonah. He didn't do what God asked him to. He ran away. He got swallowed by a fish, prayed, and ended up going to Nineveh. And if that was it, great story. Jonah's heart was changed.

But that's not it. Jonah went reluctantly and was really mad when God spared Nineveh. His heart wasn't changed at all. So what do we really learn? I don't think anybody really knows, that's why in children's versions of the story the ending is usually cut off. And the thing is, Jonah wrote the book himself. If he wanted to make himself look good, he could have made it look like he really turned a corner. I think there was a stubborn part of him that wanted people to know he wasn't happy about it.

As I hid in a dark classroom today, curled up in the fetal position and contemplating what life would be like if I went home and Dan and I packed up and just left today without telling anyone we were leaving, I thought about Jonah.

A couple of months ago I was given the option to get rid of my favorite part of my job in exchange for more work that I didn't want to do, with no raise...or to not have a job anymore. Since not having a job wasn't really an option, I accepted it...but about as reluctantly as Jonah went to Nineveh.

This week the transition takes place, and I officially start my new position. I'm pretty sure that the next person who says, "congratulations on your promotion" is going to get smacked. More work + same pay + less enjoyable work = demotion. FYI.

For a while I resigned to it. I wasn't excited, but I accepted it. But as it becomes a reality, here I am daydreaming of Tarshish. And even though Jonah comes to mind, I wonder...what am I really supposed to learn from his story?

Best of Blogs #2

The Porcelain Doll That Sits on The Toy Store Shelf, originally posted 2/8/06. My maid-of-honor read part of this as her toast at my wedding. :)

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In recent years I've had a lot of people tell me that I'm a really quality girl, and any guy would be lucky to have me, and any guy who isn't dating me is an idiot. I've been told this by girls, and I've been told it by guys. And even though I know they mean well, it hurts to hear that from all sorts of people, especially when I hear it from guys, and yet wonder when there will be someone who really believes that they would be lucky to be with me. I've even expressed this sentiment and gotten a response of more "you'll be a great wife" type comments. I don't mean to put the people who say such things in a bad light. Of course they are being nice, and trying to speak truth to me in the midst of my insecurity. It's just that it doesn't feel true to always hear it and only live it with boys that pull my tail and whose noses I have to bite. (You'll get that by the end of this blog.)

I feel like a porcelain doll on a toy store shelf that everyone comes in and marvels over, but no one actually wants to buy. Maybe they are afraid I'm too fragile and they'll break me. I don't know. But I feel like this metaphor came to me from some book I read as a child. So tonight I looked at my kids books and tried to find it. I couldn't find the one I was thinking of, but I did read one that I really resonated with.

It's a book that had a very different meaning to me as a child:

It goes like this:

How do you do? My name is Barney Beagle. I live in a pet shop. These are my friends. We have a pretty good time here. I like the pet shop. But I do not want to stay here. I want to live in a house - with a boy. I am waiting for the right boy. I hope he comes soon.

Here comes a boy now. Is he MY boy? I hope so. No, he is Boxer's boy. Anyone can see THAT. [Note: if you see the illustrations, all the customers look very much like the dogs that they buy.] The boy has to pay for Boxer. Now he's taking Boxer home. They look so happy. Good-by Boxer!

I wish MY boy would come. Here comes someone! Is it MY boy? I hope so. No, it's a girl. She's Poodle's girl. Anyone can see THAT. The girl has to pay for Poodle. Now she is taking Poodle home with her. How happy they look. Good-by, Poodle!

I do hope MY boy comes soon. Someone is coming now! Maybe it's MY boy! No, it's a man. I think I know the dog he wants. Yes, it's Sheepdog. Anyone can see THAT. The man has to pay for Sheepdog. Now they are going home. They do look happy. Good-by, Sheepdog.

I wonder when MY boy will come? Every day some boys and girls come to the pet shop. Every day some more dogs go home with their boys and girls. How happy they all look! Where is MY boy? Where can he be?

Today there are just two of us in the pet shop. Me, Barney Beagle, and my friend Spot. We are still waiting. Here comes someone right now. Here comes a boy! Maybe, maybe, MAYBE he is MY boy! No, he is Spot's boy. Anyone can see THAT. The boy has to pay for Spot. Now he is taking Spot home with him. They look so happy. Good-by, Spot. Good-by.

Now all my friends are gone. Now I am all alone. It's no fun to be here all alone. I wish MY boy would come. Someone is coming now! It's a boy! Maybe - at last - No, it's not MY boy. Anyone can see THAT. [The boy is pulling Barney's tail, etc.] Stop that! Go away! Let go of me! Stop that! This boy wants me. But I do not want him. He wants to take me home. But I will not go with him. [At this point Barney Beagle bites the boy's nose.] THERE! The boy is mad. But I am glad. I am glad to see him go. But I do not like it here all alone.

I hope MY boy will come for me. It is very late. The man wants to go home. I will be all alone tonight. I guess MY boy will never come. Someone is coming! I do not want to look. Maybe, maybe, MAYBE...It IS a boy! It is MY boy! Anyone can see THAT. I'm so happy to see you! You took so long to come! Now he has to pay for me. Then he will take me home.

Let's go. Let's go. Come on! Come on! Why don't we go home? The man is looking at the money. "You need more money," he tells my boy. My boy looks very sad. "That is all the money I have," He cannot pay for me! He cannot take me home! "Please?" says my boy. "He's a very small dog." The man looks at me. He looks at my boy. He thinks and thinks and thinks. Then he laughs. "Yes," he says. "Barney is a very small dog. And I do want to sell him before I go home. Yes, you can have him." Hooray! Hooray! I have my boy at last! "Come on, Barney," says my boy. "Let's go home." Good-by, pet shop. Good-by, pet shop man. I'm going home with My boy!

I think, given my previous blogs and my musings before this story, the point is clear.

Best of Blogs

I started blogging on January 1, 2006...five years ago! So I decided to celebrate 5 years of blogging by spending January doing a "Best of Blogs" month. Here's one originally posted on January 11, 2006, when I was visiting Group for a conference:

My Alternate Future

It feels kind of surreal being here in Colorado. I feel like I’m living in my alternate future. In college, before I started looking at places to work, I picked out what state I would most like to live in based on climate and scenery. Colorado was my pick. I said I wanted either ocean or mountains. (No complaints about Wisconsin, I love it there, but I do sometimes miss that kind of scenery.)

Then, knowing I wanted to develop curriculum, I started looking at various places that were out there. I was really impressed with Group and was going to contact them. But before I did, one of my professors told me that it would be a lot better experience for me to work at a church that develops its own curriculum, because I would have more autonomy and room for creativity. She recommended the church I’m at now, so I interned there and the rest is history. I love it so much and I know God has called me there, so it’s not like being here has made me regret the path God took me down. It’s just kind of surreal to look at what might have been.

And to be quite honest, it is something that’s on my radar screen again. It’s always kind of been there, since my former boss had told me she’d love for me to at some point in my life have experience at a curriculum publishing company to see how things run from this end. Being here has put it even more on my radar screen – not sooner but just more of a realistic possibility. I’d really hate to leave my current job – I love it so much and I love Milwaukee. But if God calls me here at some point in the future I’d be excited about coming. I don’t think it would be in the very near future, though, because I want to be committed to my church for a while.

Tonight in the hot tub of the hotel another man from the conference was asking everyone where they saw themselves in ten years, and I had to admit that this was a real possibility. It’s kind of crazy to think about, but at the same time maybe God has a reason for my involvement in hosting this conference besides the value of the conference. Who really knows what He’s up to besides Him?

Resolutions

I made a lot of resolutions in 2010. And all in all, I did pretty well with them: I decluttered my house, finished and edited my book, wrote 50 devotionals (was going to do 1/week, so close), blogged fairly regularly (though not daily as intended), kept in touch better with my nephew, worked out more (3x/week when I was doing it..), and read through more than half the Bible (I was going to do the whole thing). I only read 2 of the 6 nonfiction books I intended too.

Here are my 2011 resolutions. I'm encouraged by how I did with my goals in 2010 - even those I didn't do that well with, they motivated me to do more than I would have without them. So here's to 2011!

General goals:

• See the good in everyone (my only non-measurable goal)
  
• Read the other half of the Bible
• Write my next book
• Learn the mountain peaks viewable from Loveland
• Read 5 or more classics (Ethan Frome, Old Man and the Sea, Frankenstein, The Time Machine, and 20,000 Leagues Under the Sea)
• Read 3 or more non-fiction books (Road to Reality, Captivating by Eldrege, The Me I Want to Be by Ortberg)
  

Weekly goals:

• Blog at least 5x/week
• Work out 3x/week
• Write a devotional/week

Monthly goals:

• Bake desserts instead of buying them at least once per month