Singleness of Heart

My whole life, I just wanted to get married. In college for a bit, I went to a liturgical church that always ended with a prayer about going off "with gladness and singleness of heart." And even though not dating wasn't the kind of singleness the prayer meant, I used it as a reminder to me to try to be content with no significant other. But it was always a struggle to be content with that status. It never came naturally.

Now that I'm re-single, I'm finally truly content with it. I feel so blessed, so joyful, so whole. I've finally come to a place where in the core of my being, I really get that I am whole without a man.

I never used to enjoy solitude. I always fell right in the middle on introvert/extrovert tests, because I hated being alone and I hated being in big groups. One-on-one was my sweet spot. And while I still prefer one-on-one time to groups, I've discovered that being alone is pretty enjoyable. Refreshing.

I've enjoyed the time to just sit with God, to let him redefine me as the me he created me to be. And I enjoy the company of my puppies. I think one reason it's hard for me to make friends is because Peanut and Biscuit set standards too high for any human to compete with. They always get so excited to see me, are delighted to spend time with me, think I'm the greatest person ever to live, and are intrigued when I talk to them. Every time. And is there anything as heart-warming as a tail wag at your very approach? What human would ever love me like that?

But despite realizing that I'm more introverted than I used to think, I'm challenging myself to get out of my comfort zone and try to build friendships. I know that solitude is good, but not a place to perpetually be. We are made for community. Community with humans, not just puppies.

And I've realized I have some fears about the possibility of future relationships. About a month ago I started talking about Tim Tebow as a big crush. It wasn't even so much that I had a crush on him, it was that he felt safe. Because I knew that I'd probably never meet him, and the chances of any kind of relationship with him were astronomical. But, as a strong Christian man, around my age, he was a good pick. So it felt safe for me to talk about dating him because I knew I'd never have to face my fears and actually do it.

As for facing those fears? If and when God brings another man into my life, I know he'll help me conquer those fears. With most of my crushes, I've done a lot of manipulating of situations to try to make a relationship happen, and I'm done with that. God's got full reign of my love life (or lack thereof) from here on out. So if he sends a guy for me, I know he'll help me knock all those fears down. And if he doesn't? That's OK. I'll go forth with gladness and singleness of heart.

Gossip

When Dan and I were engaged, we learned that there was a rumor going around about us. Not knowing what it was, we assumed the worst.  When we learned the rumor, it was so silly it was almost laughable. Except that this silly, petty rumor had destroyed some relationships.

The rumor was about one of the families who offered to host Dan when he moved to Wisconsin. He got two offers: one was a family that had a rec-room downstairs with a fold out couch and said they'd love to have his help cooking; the other was a family that had a spare bedroom and didn't say anything about chores. He opted for the latter so that he wouldn't feel like he was intruding on the family's open space long term.

Well, the rumor was that Dan had chosen the second family because he didn't want to have to do chores. Not only was that not the case, but I'm pretty sure the cooking comment had been a joke in the first place.

It was so silly. So not "the worst" we'd been thinking. And yet, even such a silly little rumor as that caused damage. My guess is that someone made a joke along the lines of, "He probably just didn't want to cook" (said in a laughing voice), and someone took it as fact, and from there it spread. It's not that anyone meant to make up a lie (I'm guessing), it was probably rooted in miscommunication.

Gossip is so hard to stop. I know for me, it's so hard not to participate. Even if I'm not the one re-telling it, there's something within me that just can't wait to hear that tasty morsel of gossip when someone offers. I know that what I should do when someone starts to tell me a rumor is say, "Please don't tell me, I'd rather not hear rumors." But what I actually do most of the time is lean forward and perk up my ears.

So, now that I'm in a situation where I could easily be the brunt of a juicy rumor, it's hard not to wonder what people are saying about me. Especially in a church, which seems to attract gossip like sugar attracts ants. What are the things being said about why my marriage ended? What are the things being said about where I stand now? Having heard some things (rumors have a way of getting back around to the victim), I've realized afresh how hurtful and untrue gossip can be. And I'm more convicted than ever not to be a part of gossiping about another person.

Outspoken

Lately I've been thinking a lot about my mouth and the things that come out of it. On the one hand, I've been convicted about some of the hurtful and unthoughtful things I've said. It's no secret I have strong opinions about pretty much everything, and I need to learn to keep them to myself sometimes. I'd like to get the perpetual taste of my foot out of my mouth.

But in the past couple of weeks, I've also gotten two compliments from co-workers (with whom I don't work particularly closely) about my outspokenness in meetings they've attended with me. One said she was amazed at the things I was willing to say to leadership—and that they were good things to say. The other said he thought I could be proud of how I am willing to speak up for the edification of all who are listening. High praises! How encouraging! I guess I don't need to just stop talking altogether.

So, I've been praying that I would learn to maintain the good parts of my outspoken nature but lose the foot-in-mouth ones. I've been reading through Psalm 40 verse-by-verse, and today I got to verse 9: "I proclaim righteousness in the great assembly; I do not seal my lips, as you know, O Lord." I laughed out loud when I read that second part. God sure knows I don't seal my lips. (I recently attempted to do a day of semi-silence, speaking only when I needed to ask a question or something in order to get my work done, and when asked questions. I didn't do so well...)

Anyway...the first part of Psalm 40:9 really captured the person I want to be. A person who boldly proclaims what is right and helpful to those listening. Who isn't afraid to stand up and proclaim when I have wise things to proclaim. But also, a person who can seal my lips when what I have to proclaim doesn't have anything to do with righteousness. What I really need is the wisdom to know the difference.

Exuding Love

Sunday's sermon was about the church in Acts, having everything in common and giving to those who had need. The church in Acts is a growing, vibrant community. Every day God adds more people to their numbers. Sure, they are met with a fair share of naysayers (many of whom try to kill Christians, like Saul before his conversion), but that doesn't stop the church from growing.

Why? It's not because the church is culturally relevant. It's not because the church is entertaining. It's because the church exudes God's love and power.

I've made it a goal to pray for my church each day this week. And today I prayed a bit about this concept. For us to exude God's love within the body and to outsiders.

I heard a quote from someone's blog today that said, "Bigger and better are always trumped by different." That's what the early church was. And not different in a weird way, but different in a "wow...amazing things are happening and I want to be a part of it."

The Church in America and Europe is shrinking. And the onus is on all of us who are a part of it. If we're shrinking, it's not for lack of fog machines and rock bands. It's because the Church isn't known for its love. And yes, the media does like to highlight the Christians who focus more on hate than love, and that doesn't help us. But what if the rest of the Church was such a powerful force of God's love that anyone who saw media coverage on a couple of haters knew that wasn't what the Church was really like? What if we were really known for our love?

It starts with me. It starts with you. What am I doing to exude God's love in and with the body of believers I call my church home? What are you doing? It's time to let love be the beacon that makes people say, "Wow...amazing things are happening and I want to be a part of it."

My Precious

I've blogged before about how I've been spending my quiet times this year with a reflective method of reading Scripture, focusing on a couple lines at a time and really soaking them in. And as a result, almost inadvertently memorizing those passages.

These are the passages I've read so far: Psalm 93, Psalm 103, Psalm 139, and 1 John 3:1-10. And I just started Psalm 40, but I'm only 2 verses in.

This method of Scripture reading isn't for everyone. I've also been reading a book by John Ortberg called The Me I Want to Be and he talks about connecting with God in the way that is most impactful to you, not trying to imitate other people. For me, this has been an extremely healing process of self-discovery. I recommend it only to those who think it would be a good process for them.

The passages I've picked out have been somewhat arbitrary, but they mostly focus on God's greatness and his love for me. They say things like:

"How great is the love the Father has lavished on us, that we should be called children of God!" - 1 John 3


"As high as the heavens are above the earth, so great is his love for those who fear him." - Psalm 103


"As a father as compassion on his children, so the Lord has compassion on those who fear him." - Psalm 103


"From everlasting to everlasting, the Lord's love is with those who fear him." - Psalm 103


"You created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made." - Psalm 139

(Sorry for the lack of verse numbers. Memorizing those hasn't been a part of this journey.)

I woke up this morning feeling very unloveable. Bad things happen when I lose an hour of my day, I guess. I even said aloud as I processed my life's journey, "Am I that unloveable?" And that's when God reminded me of these verses I'd so recently reflected on and so quickly forgotten about. I'm not unloveable, because God loves me. And his love is the only love that really matters.

And then I realized that when we say and think negative things about ourselves, we are criticizing God's very carefully, fearfully, and wonderfully made creation. He made me me, not anyone else. I'm weird. I'm a nerd. I'm a picky eater. I have squinty eyes when I smile, and I get lightheaded around flashing lights. One of my legs is shorter than the other, and if not for my heel lift, my spine curves because of it causing my rib to pop out of my spine. Not one of these things is a mistake; I am fearfully and wonderfully made.

That's not to say I'm perfect. I sin daily. I struggle with pride. I am often too harsh in the way I voice my opinions. I have a know-it-all complex. These are not things that God wove into me when I was woven together. These are the things my sinful nature has brought to the mix, and I need God to deal with those.

But the things about our personalities or our appearance that make us question our value? Those are not mistakes. Any doubts or insecurities about those things are straight from the devil. And "the reason the Son of God appeared was to destroy the devil's work" (1 John 3). So the devil doesn't reign in my life. "The Lord has established his throne in heaven, and his kingdom rules over all" (Psalm 103).

I am fearfully and wonderfully made. You are fearfully and wonderfully made. So be you. And don't let Satan or anyone else try to convince you that person is unloveable. In God's sight, you are his precious, precious child.

Even If He Does Not

"If we are thrown into the blazing furnace, the God we serve is able to deliver us from it, and he will deliver us from Your Majesty’s hand. But even if he does not, we want you to know, Your Majesty, that we will not serve your gods or worship the image of gold you have set up.” - Daniel 3:17-18

I feel like Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego are one of the greatest examples of faith in the Bible. Not just because they stood up instead of bowing to Nebuchadnezzar's statue, but because of what they said in these verses. To me, this attitude epitomizes faith.

Faith is recognizing what God is able to do in the midst of our problems. That his power over any circumstance in our life is so great, we have nothing to fear. Not even death by fire.

Faith is also committing to serve and obey God alone even if you don't see him exercise that power.

It is tempting to stop at the first kind of faith. And if God doesn't respond with his power, we question our faith. We ask, "Why should I have faith in God when he isn't there for me?"

Rack, Shack, and Benny established from the moment their problems started that there was a chance God wouldn't solve them, despite his ability to. Their faith stood the test when they decided to honor him no matter what.

What's going on in your life? How confident are you that God can show power over that problem? And are you willing to stand up, "even if he does not"?

Suffering

In Matthew 16 Jesus starts to be really frank with his disciples about what he's going to experience. That he's going to suffer many things and be killed.

Peter won't stand for this kind of talk. Jesus is a leader, a hero. No way will could God's servant go through such things, Peter thinks.

Jesus' rebuke is pretty harsh: "Get behind me, Satan! You are a stumbling block to me; you do not have in mind the concerns of God, but merely human concerns." (Side note: I often feel like Peter...opening my mouth to say something well-intentioned, then inserting my foot seconds later.)

The fact is, Jesus had the mind of God, because he was fully God. He knew that sometimes, suffering happens even to the good guys. Even to the perfect Guy. He knew that suffering wasn't even just an unfortunate occurrence that might come along as you seek to fulfill God's calling for your life—sometimes suffering was the calling. For Jesus, this was obviously the case. And for someone to say otherwise was an attempt to distract Jesus from his calling.

I hate suffering. Even Jesus hated suffering, so I don't feel too wussy about that. But I, like so many, have the temptation to think in the back of my mind that if I'm doing what God has called me to do, God will make it easy, and I will live happily ever after. Doesn't God bless those who do his will?

Yes, ultimately God blesses us with rewards in heaven. But to think we can sidestep suffering as we serve God here on earth is keeping in mind the concerns of men, rather than the concerns of God. So if part of God's calling means suffering, I need to cast aside the Peter-voice in my head telling me that surely such things shouldn't be happening to me.