Singleness of Heart

My whole life, I just wanted to get married. In college for a bit, I went to a liturgical church that always ended with a prayer about going off "with gladness and singleness of heart." And even though not dating wasn't the kind of singleness the prayer meant, I used it as a reminder to me to try to be content with no significant other. But it was always a struggle to be content with that status. It never came naturally.

Now that I'm re-single, I'm finally truly content with it. I feel so blessed, so joyful, so whole. I've finally come to a place where in the core of my being, I really get that I am whole without a man.

I never used to enjoy solitude. I always fell right in the middle on introvert/extrovert tests, because I hated being alone and I hated being in big groups. One-on-one was my sweet spot. And while I still prefer one-on-one time to groups, I've discovered that being alone is pretty enjoyable. Refreshing.

I've enjoyed the time to just sit with God, to let him redefine me as the me he created me to be. And I enjoy the company of my puppies. I think one reason it's hard for me to make friends is because Peanut and Biscuit set standards too high for any human to compete with. They always get so excited to see me, are delighted to spend time with me, think I'm the greatest person ever to live, and are intrigued when I talk to them. Every time. And is there anything as heart-warming as a tail wag at your very approach? What human would ever love me like that?

But despite realizing that I'm more introverted than I used to think, I'm challenging myself to get out of my comfort zone and try to build friendships. I know that solitude is good, but not a place to perpetually be. We are made for community. Community with humans, not just puppies.

And I've realized I have some fears about the possibility of future relationships. About a month ago I started talking about Tim Tebow as a big crush. It wasn't even so much that I had a crush on him, it was that he felt safe. Because I knew that I'd probably never meet him, and the chances of any kind of relationship with him were astronomical. But, as a strong Christian man, around my age, he was a good pick. So it felt safe for me to talk about dating him because I knew I'd never have to face my fears and actually do it.

As for facing those fears? If and when God brings another man into my life, I know he'll help me conquer those fears. With most of my crushes, I've done a lot of manipulating of situations to try to make a relationship happen, and I'm done with that. God's got full reign of my love life (or lack thereof) from here on out. So if he sends a guy for me, I know he'll help me knock all those fears down. And if he doesn't? That's OK. I'll go forth with gladness and singleness of heart.