Friday, April 22, 2011

Processing

I've never lost a human loved one - not one really close to me - but I've now lost two dogs. And I don't know how to deal with death.

I knew this day would come. Dogs just don't live as long as people do. But even knowing it, there's just no way you can prepare for it. Buttercup was an integral part of my daily life for over 12 years, and all of a sudden she's gone? How do you even begin to process that?

I can't imagine life being normal again. I know I'll always miss her, but I can't even imagine going back to the normal things - work, cooking, eating, all of that. (Of course, the fact that I've had some kind of stomach bug hasn't helped with my eating.) My mom says it's just little pieces at a time, like yesterday evening I took a shower and ate some Ramen, and that was progress. And today I went on a walk for the first time without her. But it seems to take SO much energy to do those things, so much pain to wash the remnants of her smell and her feel off of me. How will I ever bring myself to wash the clothes I was wearing? The last clothes she ever touched?

I'm sure everyone feels this way when they lose a beloved friend. And eventually life does go back to normal-ish. You still always think of your friend, but you can still function. It's just so hard to imagine being there.

I don't know what to do with myself, honestly. Like I said, it takes all the strength I can muster just to take a shower. I don't have the strength to do tasks. But sitting around, even trying to distract myself, it seems so meaningless. The only thing I really want to do is find a way to get my Buttercup back - healthy - and I know I can't do it.

Thursday, April 21, 2011

Remembering

I've been running through all sorts of memories about Buttercup, and I thought I'd list them here, in no particular order.

1) When we first went to the pet store, all the puppies were barking and wagging their tails as if to say, "pick me, pick me!" Buttercup was sleeping away, her back to us. Right away I pointed to her and said, "I want to see that one." As soon as the pet store worker handed her to me, she licked my face all over. We were in love right away.

2) When we got home, the first thing we did together was watch a Duke game.

3) For a while I had those springy shoelaces that you don't tie - Buttercup loved to pull on them and watch them spring back into place.

4) When we lived at my parents' house, she wasn't allowed to walk outside of the kitchen. She could go on furniture if we brought her there. But she often snuck to the stairs and laid on the bottom step if we were upstairs. Then when we came towards the stairs, we'd hear a frantic scurry to the kitchen.

5) To help her get from place to place without walking on the carpet, we'd line up blankets and bean bag chairs as islands she could hop to from our kitchen into our family room. She'd jump, but if she thought we weren't looking she'd run quickly from one safe point to the next.

6) If we were all in the family room without her, she'd pace back and forth on the step from the kitchen.

7) When my sister was getting married, Buttercup got into 2 of her wedding favors - each a bag of 8 Hershey Kisses. She ate all but the mesh bag - even the wrappers.

8) At my parents', she loved to curl up under the kitchen chairs and use the rung of a chair as a pillow. It looked terribly uncomfortable.

9) For a brief period she slept in a crate in the kitchen (before moving up to my bed), and when I put her to bed I'd crawl in with her and sing her a song: "Naive" by Chris Rice. I sang it to her one last time on the way to the vet yesterday.

10) She was afraid of: pots and pans, hangers, black garbage bags, men until she got used to them, garbage cans, the vacuum, other dogs, cats, bunnies.

11) She LOVED the bed. When we were moving from one city to another in Wisconsin, after we'd packed everything up in the truck and were just cleaning, she laid on the floor where her corner of the bed used to be. When we later got a new bed, she jumped on it before we could even put the bedding on it and curled up, claiming her spot.

12) She liked to sprawl out as big as she could right in the middle of the bed. Who knew such a small dog could take up a whole bed?

13) She was ever hopeful for food droppings, especially cheese. The dog was obsessed with cheese.

14) She had a remarkable grasp of the English language, and understood the following words: Mommy, Daddy, potty, out, kibbles, eat, pillow, bedtime, car ride, walk, booger, clean up, sit, stay, come, lay down, treat, cheese, wait, no, kitchen, up, moo stew (that meant kissing my face), water, gator (her favorite toy), bone, dinner's ready (I would say it to Dan about our dinner, and she'd get all excited), get it, pack, do you want, snausage, towel, Peanut, sister, suitcase, trip, C-H-E-E-S-E (she learned the spelling...yep), Walgreens, and some more I'm probably forgetting.

15) She thought she was human. She didn't like dogs, didn't really know how to act like one, and preferred to drink out of a cup or glass rather than a bowl. Sometimes I'd let her drink the last bit of my water from a tall glass, and she had to stick her nose so far in there to get it.

16) Before she got arthritis, she could jump really high. Once at my mother-in-laws, she jumped over the BACK of the couch to get on it. My brother-in-law saw this and was like, "Whoa! That dog can jump!"

17) Once I took her to work with me at my old job. I was moving that day, and had scheduled the day off, but had work that had to get done. But our stuff was stored in the garage of our new place, and we didn't have the key yet, and I'd already moved out of our old place...so I had to bring her along. We got kicked out.

18) She had a pretty short attention span (they say that's typical of poodles) and rarely focused on a toy long enough to destroy it. But I do have one teddy bear she got for her first Christmas that has an ear like Mike Tyson got to it, and an amputated leg I sewed back up after she chewed it to get the squeaker out.

19) She always knew when I was sick or sad and needed some kisses. She was always there when I needed her.

20) She loved to wear clothes. One day when it was like 80 degrees, Dan was cleaning out his car and brought in one of her sweaters. We weren't trying to put it on her (it was hot!) but she stuck her head right in there...so we put it on.

21) She had a fascination with gravity for quite a while, and would push things off the bed or couch with her nose and watch them fall.

22) Once when Dan and I were watching a movie and left the DVD case on the ground, we found her pushing it all around the room with her nose.

23) She loved walks if we could stop every foot and smell for five minutes. She was definitely a "stop and smell the pee-spots" kind of dog.

24) Even though she didn't like other dogs, she had a big crush on a German Shepherd who lived across the way from us at my first apartment. She'd sit on our balcony or at the balcony door and just stare at him, and when we would walk by his driveway she'd try to turn into it. Of course, from our balcony he looked about 3 inches tall so that probably made him less scary.

25) She really struggled with separation anxiety. I hope she knows how desperately I want to see her again someday.

26) For a while at my first apartment, she would jump off the couch and go into a corner to discretely fart.

27) There has never been seen the amount of excitement she showed when I would come home from months away at college. She missed me so much.

28) In our duplex, it was a long hallway with the kitchen at one end, the living room at the other, and rooms off the hall. She loved to play hide and seek down that hall. (I'd hide, she'd seek.)

29) She needed dramamine for long car rides, and it would knock her out.

30) She always knew exactly what she wanted and could communicate that with us very well. She had different whines/dances/paces depending on what she wanted - and she wouldn't give up until we helped her.

I'm sure I could keep going indefinitely...those were just the first 30 that came to mind. Feel free to post your memories of Buttercup, too!

Wednesday, April 20, 2011

Buttercup Woofles Thompson

My day started at 5 am when Buttercup awoke me by jumping off the bed. She couldn't see very well in the dark anymore, so I got out of bed to help her find the water. But I soon noticed she wasn't looking for the water, she was trying to find comfort. She'd had some breathing issues for a month or so, but this was the worst I'd ever seen her - straining for every breath, wheezing, breathing so fast, her heart racing.

She wanted to stay on the floor, so I got my pillow and laid with her for a bit, until she was ready to get back in the bed. We took her to the vet right at 8:30 when it opened to see if they could help her.

12 hours after this all started, Buttercup found the comfort and peace she needed. Her failing heart just couldn't hold out anymore, and she was in pain. So we made the decision to end her pain.

I've had Buttercup since my freshman year of high school. She's been with me through each of my sister's weddings and my own. (Well, not actually AT the weddings...) She helped me with my homework by holding the pages for me. She comforted me when I was going through a rough patch with my best human friend. She saw me go off to college. She even picked out my husband - when she first met Dan, she loved him right away - and she'd always hated men until she got really used to them. She's moved with me from Rhode Island to Wisconsin to Colorado. She's been my best friend even when I felt all alone. She's always, always been there for me, my personal fan club.

I'm going to miss her so much. But I'm thankful that I got a chance to say goodbye to her, to have one last hoorah with her. I'm thankful that I got over 12 great years with her. We had several scares that it would be sooner - in 2007 when she had a lump the vet thought might be cancerous; in 2009 when she started vomiting a TON and nothing would help; in early 2010 when blood tests hinted at possible bone marrow cancer; and a couple of months ago when she blacked out and released her bodily fluids.

Buttercup and I have always been kindred spirits, made for each other. She and I both had a lot of quirks that no one else seems to understand - but we understood each other. Her spirit will always live on with me.

Saturday, April 16, 2011

Squashed

When I was about 9 or 10 I wanted to be a private eye detective. I loved mysteries, and thought it would be super fun to solve them for a living. Then a lady from my church informed me that all private eye detectives really do is spy on people to see if they're cheating on their husbands and wives. (Who tells a 10 year old that?) Well, that didn't sound like fun, so I changed my dream.

Fast forward to high school, when I decided I'd like to be a teacher. My best friend responded to this idea, "Don't you have to be, like, good with kids to be a teacher?" Which was odd, since I've always been good with kids. Or so I thought. I started to question that. So I kept thinking.

And then I decided I wanted to work for Hasbro and make games. I'd made up countless board games as a kid, and thought that would be an awesome career. And my friend's dad said to me, disdain dripping from his voice, "So you want to make board games for a living?" Was it really such a meaningless career choice? I reconsidered.

Ultimately, I found something I love. It's creative, so the board game mentality has come into it. It's creating educational materials, so it's related to teaching. It has nothing to do with mysteries, but I still love reading them in my free time.

But that doesn't mean I don't have other dreams. Like writing a book, for instance. Maybe a mystery someday. And I've been realizing that I'm kind of closed off about my dreams now. I don't like to share them with people because they might get squashed, just like my dreams of being a detective, teaching, and making board games.

It's amazing how three sentences, years apart and years ago, can inform my life today. It really makes me consider the words I speak to people - and how if I don't speak with kindness, I might leave the same kind of scars and squash other people.

Friday, April 15, 2011

Chair Prayer

Dan recently commented to me that he wanted to get a new office chair. Our old one didn't lift up anymore, and at its lowest setting it was too low for our desk--which isn't good for one's back. But with Peanut's surgery, it just wasn't in the budget to go out and buy a new chair.

And then on Tuesday I got an email that my office had extra chairs they were selling for cheap. I got a nice sturdy one for our office desk, plus an armless one for him to practice his bass guitar in.

It occurred to me as I drove home that day that I hadn't asked God for an affordable way to get a new office chair. And yet without me asking, he'd provided. I hadn't thought to ask; why would I commit my office chair hunt to God? It seemed so unimportant.

And then I started thinking about verses that say things like, "you don't have because you don't ask." And I realized that God cares about the little things in our lives, too. He provided the chair we needed without me asking––but what things might I be missing out on because I don't even ask God? He won't always say yes, but he values me talking to him about the things I'm thinking about--big or small.

Thursday, April 14, 2011

Comparison Game

An Easter egg hunt at work yesterday taught me a real life lesson - and that wasn't even the intent.

We had our monthly staff meeting at 2, and at the end, our CEO announced that there were Easter eggs hidden in the lobby, and that we could each take one. He said we could open them up and see which one was the one we wanted.

I expected them to be filled with candy. I opened one up to make sure it had nutless candy that I would like, and it did. So I was happy. First egg I got had good candy in it. What a wonderful game!

Then my boss opened hers up. It also had candy - and cash. And another co-worker near me got a gift card to the Fireside Cafe at Group. All of a sudden those ugly seeds of jealousy started churning in me. How come they got money and all I got was a couple lousy chocolate bars?

It's funny how comparing ourselves to others can rob us of our joy. If I never saw or heard what anyone else got in their eggs, I would have remained blissfully happy with my chocolate. It was exactly what I'd hoped for. But as soon as I started comparing my treasure with others, I decided it didn't measure up.

Good rarely comes out of comparing what we have to what others have, be it money, possessions, friends, looks, talent, success, or the contents of a plastic egg.

Wednesday, April 13, 2011

Worthwhile

Back in February (I think) we had a Family Ministry ReGroup - an interactive time at Group where ministry people from all over the country came and chatted with us about Family Ministry. At the end of our time, we got a pad of stick notes on which to write encouraging notes to people we'd met, and then we walked around sticking the notes to the recipients.

One of the notes I received hangs above my computer. I don't know who stuck it to me, the name is hard to read, but it says something like this (I paraphrase since I'm at home): "When you're editing something for the 10th time, picture my kids' faces. You're making a difference."

Whenever I'm frustrated, I look at that note. I picture kids' faces. Because ultimately, any job will have it's frustrations. And yes, sometimes it does feel like I've edited the same thing 10 times and I'm sick of it. But all that refining means I'm having a better impact on those kids I just pictured. And that means it's all worthwhile.

Sunday, April 10, 2011

Cake

Today, after I turned down some cake that was offered to me, the stranger next to me looked at me and said, "You're not on a diet, are you?"

I explained to her that no, I was just a picky eater, at which point she asked if I was a vegetarian. Because apparently picky and vegetarian are synonyms and vegetarians don't eat cake? (Then she went on to tell me how great the cake was and she needed to find out who made it. When she found out it was from a local grocery store, she came back to tell me where this cake I didn't want was from.)

Perhaps she was just making conversation. But I felt like it was a terribly rude thing to say to someone you'd never even introduced yourself to. (I still don't know her name, nor does she know mine.) There are any number of reasons I could have not wanted the cake. Maybe I was diabetic. Maybe I used to weigh 300 pounds and yes, I was on a diet because otherwise I would gain it all back. Maybe I had a gluten or dairy or egg allergy. Maybe I was nauseous. Maybe I had some other type of medical problem that was embarrassing to share about. Maybe I had an eating disorder and really did think I was fat and needed to diet - would that really be a stranger's business?

What do you think? Am I overreacting, or was she rude to ask me that?

Thursday, April 7, 2011

Soft

The older I get (and I'm not even that old), the more hard things I experience, the more I see my heart becoming hard.

I don't want it to be like that. I pray for God to help soften my heart. But it's hard not to feel jaded by some of the things I've experienced. It's hard to hold onto the innocent naivety of age 10, when adult life is this wonderful dream that will be everything you could hope for, an escape from all your big problems. And maybe you shouldn't hold onto that view anyway.

But at some point, you have to learn to let wounds heal. Not callous, not scar, but heal so no one would ever know the wound happened in the first place. Somehow, you have to not let things jade you so much that you put up guards.

Somehow, you have to keep living and loving abundantly.

Tuesday, April 5, 2011

Slow Down

Sometimes we make ourselves so busy that we make ourselves less effective than we'd be if we thought through things carefully.


Where's the fire, what's the hurry about?
You better cool it off before you burn it out
You got so much to do and only
So many hours in a day

Too bad but it's the life you lead
You're so ahead of yourself
That you forgot what you need

- Billy Joel, Vienna

Sunday, April 3, 2011

Affirmation

A couple months ago our small group did a study on the book set For Men Only and For Women Only. They each give you insights into the other gender's mindset. To be honest, I expected them to be kind of obvious, things like, "men like sex." But actually, they offered great insights into Dan's mind. (We each read the one about our gender and made notes in it, so it was personalized with his thoughts on what really rung true and what didn't.) Reading those books was highly valuable to our marriage.

One thing that struck me as I was reading it was how important affirmation is for a man. I knew it, I guess, but I didn't really practice it intentionally. And it struck me that while I was affirming Dan fairly regularly, I was speaking it, which is not the most effective way to communicate with him. Writing is. (After all, that's how our relationship formed for 5 years!)

So I had this idea to buy a pad of mini-sticky notes and write him one affirming thing each day. A thank you, something I value about him, stuff like that. I've got to be honest, I haven't kept up with it every day, but I do it pretty regularly and some days I write a whole slew of 'em. It was something I felt God wanted me to do to be a better wife, and it only takes a few seconds a day.

It made a world of difference from the start. I could tell right away that he really appreciated seeing written affirmations. He even started saving them! And it's helped my attitude a lot, because I'm looking for things to appreciate about him each day. (And as a bonus for me - he's been more aware of the things I was thankful for, and more inclined to repeat them.)

Wives, I encourage you to think about how you affirm your husband, and if it's in the way he's best going to receive it.