Processing

I've never lost a human loved one - not one really close to me - but I've now lost two dogs. And I don't know how to deal with death.

I knew this day would come. Dogs just don't live as long as people do. But even knowing it, there's just no way you can prepare for it. Buttercup was an integral part of my daily life for over 12 years, and all of a sudden she's gone? How do you even begin to process that?

I can't imagine life being normal again. I know I'll always miss her, but I can't even imagine going back to the normal things - work, cooking, eating, all of that. (Of course, the fact that I've had some kind of stomach bug hasn't helped with my eating.) My mom says it's just little pieces at a time, like yesterday evening I took a shower and ate some Ramen, and that was progress. And today I went on a walk for the first time without her. But it seems to take SO much energy to do those things, so much pain to wash the remnants of her smell and her feel off of me. How will I ever bring myself to wash the clothes I was wearing? The last clothes she ever touched?

I'm sure everyone feels this way when they lose a beloved friend. And eventually life does go back to normal-ish. You still always think of your friend, but you can still function. It's just so hard to imagine being there.

I don't know what to do with myself, honestly. Like I said, it takes all the strength I can muster just to take a shower. I don't have the strength to do tasks. But sitting around, even trying to distract myself, it seems so meaningless. The only thing I really want to do is find a way to get my Buttercup back - healthy - and I know I can't do it.