Overflow

God is flowing through me. He's changing my attitude. He's helping me be his child. He's showing himself to me in new ways. He's teaching me so much.

Spending time with God is one of those things that is so wonderful when you're doing it regularly, but then if you're not you forget how wonderful it is.

I've spent too many days seeing prayer and Bible reading as an obligation, a task on a checklist. When the reality is, when I'm regularly spending time with God, it is a wonderful thing. His presence guides me through the day. I don't struggle through it because it's God flowing through me, not me muddling along.

I've been spending time with God more often lately and his strength in my weakness has been amazingly fulfilling. I am filled with his peace, his joy, and his love.

Problems

I heard this quote in the movie The Ugly Truth: "There are no problems, only solutions." I LOVE that quote.

Because I think we as humans have a tendency to spend far too much time dwelling on problems. And I've said before something along the lines of, "if you don't like it, change it, and if you can't change it, complaining won't help anyway."

And yet I continue to complain, continue to tap my left foot impatiently while my right foot holds down the brake pedal at a long red light. How much stress do we add to our lives fretting over meaningless things like that when our fretting doesn't change anything?

Find a solution and if you can't, just deal with it.

Conspiracy

It seems like almost every night on the commercials for the news (I don't watch the actual news), there's some new thing to worry about. Tonight's is germs that can make you sick - coming home in your groceries.

Germs, conspiracies, scams...it seems like there's just so much to worry about! And yet, not knowing the full story and thus not caring, I can live without that worry. And sure, from time to time maybe I'll get sick or something because I ignored the warnings. But overall, I think I live in a lot more freedom not fretting over every little worry harm reported on the news.

Psalm 16

I am thankful for everything God has blessed me with. But sometimes I wonder if I am too focused on the blessings and not enough on the one who blesses.

Verse 2: "I said to the Lord, 'You are my Lord; apart from you I have no good thing.'"

It is only by his grace and favor that he has blessed me.

Verses 5-6: "Lord, you have assigned me my portion and my cup; you have made my lot secure. The boundary lines have fallen for me in pleasant places; surely I have a delightful inheritance."

Everything we have is from God.

Verse 11: "You have made known to me the path of life; you will fill me with joy in your presence, with eternal pleasures at your right hand."

And when our earthly treasures fail (and they will), we can always count on the joy of God's presence and the eternal pleasures of life with him.

Slow

God has been changing something in me.

At the beginning of 2010 I wrote these two words in the front of my then paper planner: "Be present." I realized I did too many things in life without really enjoying them. I was always thinking about the next thing. So amidst all my New Year's resolutions, I had one main immeasurable goal for the year: to be present.

I have to be honest. It was something that was on my mind in December/January, but then I didn't really do much about it. I don't think I knew how to be present.

I think the turning point happened for me when I saw a counselor about my snake phobia. Something that was an added bonus to dealing with my fear. I learned to breathe.

She used a relaxation technique to help me with my fear, which always started out with me taking deep breaths. Hand on my stomach, eyes closed, just focusing on the breath. And it was indeed, relaxing.

It was hard at first. It was kind of boring. Breath just happens. You don't need to focus on it. Aren't there more exciting and important things I could be using my brain for? But somewhere in there something in me changed. And I learned not just how to breathe and enjoy it, but how to BE and enjoy it.

Lately I've been doing more and more stuff - I've been running, reading more, spending more time with new friends, finishing my books, cooking new meals, spending more time with God. And yet I don't feel busy. I feel so much less busy than ever before. Because rather than going through the motions of each thing like it's a check on a list (even if it is on my to do list), I've been fully engaged in each activity. And if I start to lose focus, I just pause, breathe, and regain the focus. There's so much less stress this way. Just enjoyment. Freedom. Breath.

Reinvented Me

In Kindergarten and then again in 2nd-6th grade, I had the world's worst gym teacher: Mr. Carron. (His first lesson each year was that his name was spelled that way.) He was one of those people that's so mean and hate-filled you wonder what ever inspired him to become a teacher. I mean really, wasn't there a position open in the Nazi regime?

Well, God didn't make me with much coordination, it seemed. And Mr. Carron routinely did things to point out how terrible I was at sports. Rather than encourage me to try my best or teach me how to do it better, he mocked my basketball skills and singled me out when I was the only girl who couldn't do a split.

And so I never did any extra curricular sports, never tried much in gym class even after I moved on to 7th grade, because I believed one thing to be surely true about myself: I would never be a gifted athlete.

When church events, camps, or field trips required athletic events, I would do my best to get exempt from such things. And if I had to participate, I'd apologetically let everyone know beforehand that I wasn't very good at whatever the activity was. Just to avoid the embarrassment of them finding that out for themselves.

Well, today our department at work went on a team retreat, which involved 2 hours of volleyball and some team building games. And last night I realized something: no one here in Colorado knew that I'm not athletically gifted. No one had seen Mr. Carron's teasing. And what if my un-athletic ability was really just in my mind? What if it was a lie I'd believed for so long that it had become a self-fulfilling prophecy? What if I could re-invent myself as a good athlete?

So I decided to go into today and give it my all. No pre-game apologies for my lack of skill. No timidness because what if I embarrassed myself? Just do my best, be the ball, and have fun. And guess what? I wasn't one of the all-star volleyball players on the team, but I played way better than I ever have before. I had a lot of good hits, one in particular that seemed and impossible hit, and everyone was excited when I made it.

And get this - one of my co-workers asked me if I played sports in high school! And her inflection wasn't so much a question tone, but more of a "oh, you must have played sports" kind of inflection. Which was pretty exciting for me. No one has ever assumed that about me, except running because of my build.

I had a lot more fun than I've ever had playing sports. Sure, I had a few way off hits, and one where the volleyball went right through my arms, but I wasn't focused on the embarrassment. I was focused on re-inventing me. Ali: the reasonably decent athlete. And it worked!

So take that, Mr. Carron!

Walmart God Sighting

This evening as I was pulling into the west-facing entrance of the Walmart parking lot, I got a glimpse of the sun setting over the mountains. It wasn't one of those complexly gorgeous sunsets with dozens of clouds painted in an array of pinks and oranges. In fact, none of the clouds in the sky were close enough to the sun to be very affected.

And yet this sunset was so beautiful in its simplicity. Rays of light beamed out from behind the mountains, backlighting those immediately in front of it and creating an ethereal glow around them. Those same rays of light illuminated Longs Peak (and the other tall one next to it), giving them an almost heavenly glow. Other rays just shot up within the golden sky. It was beautiful. I stood in awe of how God could make something so simple so beautiful.

Then I pulled into a parking space and the song "From the Inside Out" came on the radio. I just sat in my car for a bit, listening and singing along and worshiping with all I had to offer. And in that moment, with the golden sky to my west and a song of praise in my heart, I felt God with me.

Assumptions

In 1 Chronicles 19, the king of the Ammonites dies, and his son succeeds him. David got along well with the previous king, and wanted to show kindness to the son. So he sent some Israelites to Ammon to express sympathy for the king's death.

Well, the new king assumes that the Israelites are spies and cuts off the seat of their robes (I'm not making this up). And he shaves them. They retreat, humiliated. And then David gets mad. But he STILL doesn't do anything to the Ammonites. They, knowing they've angered him and thinking he will attack, decide to wage war. And ultimately, they get brutally defeated by the Israelites.

All this because they assumed the worst. They looked at David's kindness and assumed it was a ploy. And they reacted to their assumptions, which caused massive consequences that could have been avoided if they'd just found out what the Israelites were really there for.

It's like the phrase goes, "Never assume, because..."

Dreams

In 1 Chronicles 17, David has the desire to build a temple for God. It's a great, God-honoring idea. It seems such a good idea that Nathan the prophet tells David to go for it.

But then God tells Nathan to let David know the temple isn't his to build. David's son will build it - it will happen - but God has other things for David to do. Building the temple, however noble it may be, isn't David's call.

David responds with praise and thanks. He is grateful to God that his son will build the temple. He is grateful that God has honored him and his family, and that God has promised to keep his son on the throne.

I've had dreams taken away from me, too. A ministry that I really loved, taken away because God was preparing me for a different call. And God raised up awesome new people for that ministry. I should have been grateful. God was blessing the ministry with a great new team. He had good plans in store for me. I could have responded like David. But I didn't, not right away.

God doesn't just rip away our dreams for no reason. It's always for some greater purpose, even if we can't see it at the time. And we, like David, can respond with thanks and praise.

Homosexuality

I believe that homosexuality is wrong. I believe the Bible is very clear on that.

I also believe that the Church elevates homosexuality and shuns anyone who struggles with it. And I believe that is wrong as well.

I was reading in Romans 1-2 yesterday and today. Romans 1:26-27 talks about homosexuality. It calls it perversion. It is clearly a statement about it being a sin, and people in the Church often use these verses in support of their argument against homosexuality.

But verses 28-32 continue saying that furthermore, mankind has been filled with all kinds of other sins, too. Including (but not limited to): wickedness, greed, envy, deceit, gossip, slander, arrogance, boastfulness, and disobedience to parents. And that's just the ones on the list I know I've struggled with. There are more.

And then there's 2:1: "You, therefore, have no excuse, you who pass judgment on someone else, for at whatever point you judge the other, you are condemning yourself, because you who pass judgment on do the same things."

In other words, people who use 1:26-27 to condemn gays are really condemning themselves, because they do some of the other things on that list of sins. None is greater than the other. None of us are exempt from that list of sins, so none of us can cast judgment on someone who struggles with any of the ones we don't.

I think anytime the Church decides not to show love to a certain type of person, that's wrong. Because Jesus showed love to everyone. And he was perfect! How much more should we, who wallow in sinfulness, show God's love to other sinners? Why do we make gays feel like they aren't welcome in the Church, when the gossipers who are also on that list seem to have free reign?

Furthermore, I believe that passage only makes the case that the act of homosexuality is wrong. People often confuse the struggle with homosexuality (attraction to the same gender) with the act. I may be inclined to gossip, but if I abstain from it then I have not sinned, despite my inclination. Same thing with homosexuality, I think.

Treetops

And once again David asked God what to do. 'Do not attack them straight on,' God replied. 'Instead, circle around behind and attack them near the poplar trees. When you hear a sound like marching feet in the tops of the poplar trees, go out and attack! That will be the signal that God is moving ahead of you to strike down the Philistine army.' So David did what God commanded, and they struck down the Philistine army all the way from Gibeon to Gezer." - 1 Chronicles 14:14-16

I read this passage this morning and I really loved it. God goes before us. Whether it's in battle, like it was for David, or in a tough situation in life, or just each day with all of its unexpected turns, God goes before us in the treetops.

I'm going to think of this whenever I see the wind blow through the trees now. God is going before me. I am never alone. I am never facing life without God's help.

Rain

Rain is often used as a metaphor for hard times. "When it rains, it pours."

But the wildfires have gotten me thinking about rain. It's desparately needed. Without it, the grass became dry, causing someone's fire to spread to over 700 acres. And without it, firefighters have had to work much harder to put out the fire than they would have had to with rain. One thing we could really use right now as we continue to contain this fire (now at 65%) is rain to obliterate the remaining 35%.

And maybe that's true of hard times, too. Maybe sometimes the metaphorical rain comes to strengthen us and prevent a metaphorical wildfire from breaking out. To teach us a lesson and bring life to withered grass and plants. To ultimately help stamp out something dangerous that was spreading in our lives...even if we didn't know it.

Maybe since my life was changed
Long before these rainy days
It's never really ever crossed my mind
To turn my back on you, oh Lord
My only shelter from the storm
But instead I draw closer through these times
So I pray

Bring me joy, bring me peace
Bring the chance to be free
Bring me anything that brings You glory
And I know there'll be days
When this life brings me pain
But if that's what it takes to praise You
Jesus, bring the rain

Treasures

As I watched the coverage of the Reservoir Road fire west of Loveland, I saw this story about a dog who had been left behind when his owners evacuated. Having seen them packing up some things, he'd jumped in their mobile home expecting a trip. And they left without him. But later, the humane society rescued him and reunited him with his owners. It was supposed to be this touching story. A dog reunited with his family. But all I could think was: "They left without their dog!??!?!?!" I mean, it's one thing if you're not at home and can't get back. But they were right there, packing up their valuables, and they left him behind?!?!

If I had to evacuate my house due to impending wildfire, and I had 2 minutes to pack, I would grab my insurance papers, my laptop, my flash drive with all of our digital pictures on it, my phone and purse, maybe some journals, and a few changes of clothes.

But the two things I would most definitely never forget would be Peanut and Buttercup. Forget the insurance papers, forget the clothes...my dogs would be the essentials. (Dan, I'm assuming, is perfectly capable of getting himself in the car.)

What would you take with you if you had 2 minutes to pack up and evacuate your home? The rule is you can make 2 trips out to your car to carry everything. So if you take something big, that may limit your total quantity.

Church

I've really been struggling with this whole church thing. I blogged last week about how sermons bore me...how sitting passively just doesn't help me learn.

And since then I've been doing a lot of thinking about church. Dan and I love our church. We love the people. We love the authenticity - that's a big one. We love that it's not this big production. We love the general feel of God in the place. We love our couple's group.

But our couple's group only meets every other week. And we often don't get around to talking about the Bible. Which is fine, because we always have fun and good conversations. But it's just not a place for me to feel spiritually fed on a regular basis. And I fear that as more and more of the people in our group become parents, we'll become the odd ones out, holding back the group from doing parenting type things that they want and need to do. Maybe I'm wrong. But I feel like eventually we'll have to pull out of that group.

So I looked into a women's small group. But the only option I could find seems to be more large group-ish than small group-ish. And it's lecture based. Which is exactly what I'm trying to get away from. I think there might be other options if I didn't have a job...but I do. And again if it was during the work day, I'd probably be with all stay-at-home moms and be the odd woman out with no kids. So I'm not feeling like there's any weekly small group that's a good fit for me.

So, Dan and I talked about continuing to go to our couple's group but maybe I find another church to get plugged in with small groups. Which I'll probably do. But I wonder how that will impact our ministry at our church. We're excited to serve there. But will they let us with such minimal involvement in the church? I don't know.

The early church had preaching, it's true. But that wasn't the core of the church. The core of the church - what made it grow, what made it powerful - was the relationship building. It was that they lived together, ate together, supported each other, grew in faith together, shared their possessions, lived out faith together. It wasn't about going to church an hour a week and listening to someone talk. And somewhere since then, we've taken what I think is probably the least important aspect of the early church and made that the primary aspect of today's church.

I want to grow close to God. I want to do it in community with others. And I'm really frustrated and struggling to find a way to do that.

Questions

There seems to be this unwritten rule in Christianity that to ask questions of God is to lack faith. I don't think that's true.

A college professor of mine said that once when he was thinking of a lot of questions for God, someone asked him how his faith was. He replied, "I've never had more questions about God than I do right now." The person got really serious, put his hand on his shoulder, and said he'd pray for him.

"No, no," my professor replied, "my faith has never been stronger."

If we don't have questions, we probably aren't thinking very deeply about something. That's why when you apply for a job, you're supposed to have some questions ready to ask them. If you don't ask them questions, it looks bad on you. Like you don't wonder or think about things. Why, then, are we not supposed to ask questions about God?

This all came to mind as another country song rolled through my head: Clay Walker's "Just A Few Questions." In it, he asks a whole lot of questions about the injustice in the world, about his life, all sorts of things. And he says, "I don't mean to second-guess you or criticize what I don't understand...these are just a few questions I have."

Asking questions doesn't mean second-guessing God. It doesn't mean you don't trust him. It means you wonder about him. Jesus said to have faith like a child - and who asks more questions than a little kid discovering the world around him? As we discover God more, we ought to be filled with wonder, and full of questions.

Dying

This morning I had Tim McGraw's "Live Like You Were Dying" stuck in my head. It's about a guy who has been diagnosed with a terminal disease. And when he realizes he's dying, he says this:

"I went sky diving, I went rocky mountain climbing,

I went two point seven seconds on a bull named Fu Man Chu

And I loved deeper and I spoke sweeter,

And I gave forgiveness I'd been denying.

Some day, I hope you get the chance,

To live like you were dyin'."

Now. Let me say first off that I've always hated the concept of living each day like it's your last day on earth. It's impractical. Would I ever do laundry if I thought I wouldn't need clothes tomorrow? Would I ever go to work if I thought it was truly my last day on earth? I love my job, but that's not how I'd spend my last day. It just doesn't make sense.

But I've always liked this song. And I like the concept of loving people more, speaking more kindly, and forgiving others. I like that he had this wake-up call.

What I don't get is the sky diving, mountain climbing, and bull riding. I mean, if I got diagnosed with a terminal disease, my goal wouldn't be to accomplish big risks that I'd never taken before. It would be to make sure I leave my mark on this world. Spend more time with people. Write all the books I want to write. Volunteer more to touch more people's lives. Leave a legacy.

What would you want to do if you knew you had 3 months to live?

Locked Out

Dan and I went for a romp with the pups in the school field by our house tonight, in the dark. Without a flashlight. Which was fine, until we got back home and discovered we'd dropped the keys. In the dark. In a big field. Without a flashlight.

So we went back, armed with Dan's cell phone (mine was locked in the house) and a carefully planned grid search (we watch a lot of CSI). We searched and searched, I turned up a lot of bright leaves thinking they were keys, and we were getting pretty discouraged. Our grid search had been abandoned. I decided to go to the neighbors and see if they had a good, bright flashlight. Dan stayed and continued looking.

And as I was about halfway home, I heard a soft jingle in the distance behind me. I turned around and Dan was walking toward me with Peanut, whose whining had been the cause of Dan's finding the keys. She was wet from the freshly sprinkled grass, cold, and getting upset that I had left. And as he turned around to check on her, he saw the gleam of something sticking up in the grass. One key, standing up straight as a beacon. Angled perfectly for the light from the school to hit it.

I'd been praying as we searched, that we would find the key. And I knew that if worse came to worse, we could call our friend with the spare key to come rescue us, and resume our search in the daylight. And I knew that if our friend was unavailable, we could find someone who would take us (and the pups) in for the night. Thankfully, God answered my prayer and we didn't have to resort to back-up plans.

But I think about how there are so many people without homes. Without keys to lose. Without a back-up plan of where to spend the night. And I am so grateful that God helped us find our keys, but even more than that - that God has given us a home to have keys to.

Fear

For as long as I can remember, I've had a fear of snakes. Even though in Rhode Island there were really just little harmless garden snakes, they scared me when I saw them. Even dead ones.

But when I didn't see one, I really didn't give them much thought. I just didn't like to see pictures or videos of them. But as long as they were out of sight, they were out of mind. Same thing in Wisconsin.

But then I moved to Colorado. And, well, there are rattlesnakes here. That's a fact. And they're bigger than garden snakes, and definitely more harmful. So I started worrying about snakes more. What if I ran into one? Would I find one in the parking lot at work? What about my car. Could they get in there? It started as caution and grew into an irrational phobia. And it was impacting what I would do. I didn't want to hike below 8,000 feet, because even though they CAN live above that altitude, the chances of running into one are lower and I felt safe enough to do it. But not below that height.

So I saw a counselor about it. And she did some different psychology techniques with me to help me feel confident and in-control. It got worse before it got better. I started having nightmares and picturing them when I went to bed. But in today's session, as I visualized being close to a rattlesnake, I felt confident and relaxed. And she says that will transfer to real life if I see one.

We'll see if she's right. I hope she is. But for now, I'm glad to say that I've done what I can to take control of a fear and stop letting it limit and control me.

Roses

I feel like I've been the Energizer Bunny the past couple of weeks. Going and going and going. Not stopping to just enjoy what I'm doing.

But today, after some long days this week, I left work early. And I was walking to my car, I took a deep breath. Now, we breathe all the time. We can't really help it. But I paid attention to this deep breath. I enjoyed it. I let it relax me. And it felt good to enjoy a deep breath.

And that's when I noticed that the weather today is the most perfect weather you could imagine. The temperature is that perfect balance between too hot and too cold. The sun is shining brightly. The sky is that shade of blue that is so rich and beautiful. The smell of summer still lingers in the September air. How many days like this have I missed because I'm not paying attention?

And then I partook in a triple chocolate cookie. You probably know I eat those fairly often. At least once a week. But I'm so often eating it while I'm busy doing other things that I don't savor it. But today I took a bite and let it sit in my mouth. Let the flavor rush to my tastebuds. What a delectable cookie. What a waste to eat such a wonderful thing and not really pay attention to the sheer enjoyment.

In the midst of being the Energizer Bunny, I found a time to stop and smell the roses. And I'm determined to do this more often. To slow down, stop, and enjoy the beauty of a gorgeous day, a deep breath, and a delicious cookie.

So now I'm headed to the kitchen to eat a delicious sandwich and then sit in the backyard with a good book and the warm sunshine.

Facelessbook

I was remembering the other day that Myspace didn't have status updates (until it was already a sinking ship) and that Facebook used to not have status updates either. That was just a Twitter thing, once upon a time. And then I was like, "well wait, what did we even do on Facebook and Myspace then?"

And that's when it hit me. We talked to each other. It really was social networking. If I wanted to see how a friend was doing, I'd write on her wall and say, "hey, how are you doing?" And then she'd write back and tell me what was going on in her life. It still wasn't face-to-face but it was personal.

But now if I want to see how a friend is doing, I already know. Because I've seen her status updates. Take my friend Jackie from Elmbrook. Haven't talked to her in months, but I know she went backpack shopping with her little girl a couple weeks ago, and that she started preschool at Elmbrook this week. And if I look at her profile I can probably find out what TV shows she's into nowadays, and what music she's listening to. All without ever having any personal contact with her.

Instead of talking to people on a personal level, we broadcast our life happenings and our random thoughts to the world. We've become more open than ever before, but more isolated than ever before. Those two wouldn't have seemed to go hand in hand before the days of Facebook and Twitter. But there's less risk in post something to the ambiguous "they" than talking to someone who might just hurt you at some point.

I wonder what the generation we're raising up will be like. The generation who has had Facebook as a part of their formational preteen and teen years. Relationships are becoming more about knowing about people and less about interacting with people. I know I sound like an old codger at the young age of 26, but I really do fear for what this open-isolation will do for the generation just after mine. And to be quite honest, what it will do to my generation.

Sermons

Group is all about active learning. Everyone is involved. It's not sitting and listening to someone talk. Which is awesome...but I think it's made me more easily bored with things that DON'T fit into that mold.

Sermons, namely. I mean, in Acts Eutychus literally DIED of boredom during a sermon when he fell asleep and tumbled out the window. Is that really the model of teaching we want to follow? (Not that Paul got the message...he brought Eutychus back to life and continued preaching the rest of the night...)

And sure, there are some people who are very gifted at public speaking. Their voice, their stories, their comedic style...it's all captivating and you can stay awake and pay attention. But by and large, you won't remember those speeches. Research shows that people don't remember very much of what they hear, but they do remember a lot of what they experience and discover for themselves. Which is why Group is all about experiencial learning.

Dan and I love our church. But this Sunday after we got done teaching, we walked upstairs to go to service and both decided it looked too boring. So we went home. We just have no desire to go to services. We do go to a small group which we love and it's awesome - because it's interactive. We're actively involved in the learning. But this passive listening thing? I just don't think I can keep it up.