Slow

God has been changing something in me.

At the beginning of 2010 I wrote these two words in the front of my then paper planner: "Be present." I realized I did too many things in life without really enjoying them. I was always thinking about the next thing. So amidst all my New Year's resolutions, I had one main immeasurable goal for the year: to be present.

I have to be honest. It was something that was on my mind in December/January, but then I didn't really do much about it. I don't think I knew how to be present.

I think the turning point happened for me when I saw a counselor about my snake phobia. Something that was an added bonus to dealing with my fear. I learned to breathe.

She used a relaxation technique to help me with my fear, which always started out with me taking deep breaths. Hand on my stomach, eyes closed, just focusing on the breath. And it was indeed, relaxing.

It was hard at first. It was kind of boring. Breath just happens. You don't need to focus on it. Aren't there more exciting and important things I could be using my brain for? But somewhere in there something in me changed. And I learned not just how to breathe and enjoy it, but how to BE and enjoy it.

Lately I've been doing more and more stuff - I've been running, reading more, spending more time with new friends, finishing my books, cooking new meals, spending more time with God. And yet I don't feel busy. I feel so much less busy than ever before. Because rather than going through the motions of each thing like it's a check on a list (even if it is on my to do list), I've been fully engaged in each activity. And if I start to lose focus, I just pause, breathe, and regain the focus. There's so much less stress this way. Just enjoyment. Freedom. Breath.