Ms.

I can't remember a time as a kid when I didn't just dream of being married. That was my number one goal in life, especially once I hit my teen years. I daydreamed about my husband, kept a journal for him, prayed for him, set up a "marriage display" in my bedroom. On the few occasions where someone dared to raise the idea that I might not end up getting married, I was terrified. How could I possibly live if God had called me to be single?

It wasn't like the typical little-girl-dreaming-of-her-wedding-day kind of thing. I actually thought very little of my wedding day. I never put a pillowcase on my head and pretended to be a bride. I didn't think about what kind of flowers or cake I might want. I didn't keep a binder like Monica Geller's. I didn't care much at all about the wedding day. I just wanted to be married.

Well, I got married. And 5 years later, I got divorced. That was an outcome I'd never thought possible.

So now, I'm single again. And people will ask from time to time if I'm dating, or if I've thought about getting remarried, and so on. And while I'm not as opposed to the idea of remarriage someday as I am to the idea of having kids someday...I really don't desire it. If I never date or marry again, I can picture myself being quite happy with that.

I've gotten to a place where I love my solitude. 20 minutes in Walmart and I am just itching to be away from people. Granted, Walmart shoppers are a particularly obnoxious and unaware bunch. But when I unload my cart and sit down in my car, I turn off the radio (if it was on...I often prefer to drive in silence anyway), I turn off the vents, and I just bask in the silence for a few moments before I back out of my parking space.

On one such occasion, it struck me. I really love being single. Not just tolerate it, or have found peace with it. I prefer it. And that's not just because my marriage was less than ideal. It's because I am so autonomous. Deciding when to eat dinner and what to cook is all up to me. What food am I in the mood for? The fact that it is invariably some type of carb-on-carb meal doesn't have to bother anyone else. Because no one else is eating it. And I can be as anal as I want about how my house is organized. (Boy, am I ever anal.) I can decorate the way I want to decorate. I can spend my money the way I want to spend it. It's all up to me. Sure, Peanut puts in her say, but at the end of the day, I don't have to consider how anyone else would like my stuff. And I love it.

As I sat in my car in the Walmart parking lot in utter silence, realizing I love being single, I realized that perhaps...despite all my years of searching for my soul mate...I was actually wired to be single. Because I don't feel lonely. I don't wish I had a man to spend my evenings with. I love my life just the way it is.

There's this idea that if you're single, there's either something wrong with you or you're to be pitied. One Bachelor contest was mocked for being 31 and still single. What was wrong with her that she wasn't married yet by 31, said her competitor. As if being married, or at least in a serious relationship, is a better, more desirable life. And maybe it is for some. But for me...I really don't feel I'm to be pitied. Life is great!

Relationship Status

I got a couple responses to my Dating blog, one in a comment and a couple in person, about the fact that I should put myself out there for a guy to find. After all, no one is going to catch a fish if she's not in the water.

But here's the thing. I used to think that being married would make me happy. I hated 1 Corinthians 7 because I felt like Paul was saying you shouldn't get married, and I just wanted to live happily ever after with my Prince Charming. And yet having been married, I know that it doesn't mean happiness.

So, thinking on this, I read 1 Corinthians 7 tonight. And I realized that Paul's point isn't really that being married or being single is preferable, although he does angle his preferences toward being single. His point is just this: be happy where you are. Don't try to force a relationship status change. I think the reason he emphasizes the joy of singleness is because that's where he was. He was setting the example of his point. He points out that being married isn't the magic cure for unhappiness; in fact, it brings with it troubles and a distraction from ministry. So there's no reason to think that singleness is this curse, that a 70-year-old never-been-married woman is doomed to misery. In fact Paul contests that a widow will be happier if she remains unmarried. This in times where widows were impoverished outcasts!

He sums it up nicely in 1 Corinthians 7:17: "Nevertheless, each one should retain the place in life that the Lord assigned to him and to which God has called him." Bottom line? If you can't be happy being single, you won't be happy being married.

Then I skipped to Song of Solomon. Not the juicy parts, but the verse the Beloved repeats over and over throughout the book: "Daughters of Jerusalem, I charge you: Do not arouse or awaken love until it so desires." This coming from a woman who has found true love. (We'll temporarily ignore the fact that she shared her husband with 300 other wives, plus all the concubines.) She knows the value of waiting for the right love. Not seeking out something, but being content with her situation until her love came along. Because if you rush "love" with the wrong person, you'll find yourself in a subpar relationship.

It's like when my sister was dropping me off at the train station. And as we're driving my not-quite-3-year old niece asked the age old question, "Are we there yet?" My sister jokingly responded, "Yep, we're here, should we just drop Ali off in the middle of the street?"

Annoyed as we get by the question on car trips, adults fall into this "are we there yet?" mentality all the time on the journey of life. Rather than being content with where we are right now (single or married, in love or not), we want to know if we're "there" yet. Even though, were we to look around, it's a pretty silly question. As for me? I'm not asking if I'm there yet. I know I'm right where God wants me on my life journey, and I'll just keep riding along.

Here's what I'm confident of, no matter what my future holds:

"I am still confident of this: 

I will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living. 

Wait for the Lord;

Be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord."

- Psalm 27:13-14