Insomnia

Sunday night I couldn't sleep. It was like all the events of the past several days hit me at once and I realized I was overwhelmed.

There were even some things that hit me that aren't problems anymore. Like my grandfather had gone to the hospital Thursday with mild heart attack symptoms. But by the time Sunday night hit, I knew that it was vertigo, that they'd given him medicine, and that his heart was fine. Nonetheless, it was like a delayed reaction of worry and sadness for that hit me.

There were things that weren't personal, but broke my heart as if they were. I watched a few minutes of the news before bed (lesson learned - stick with SNL weekend updates!) and saw about Jessica Ridgeway, and about another child abductor in Wyoming. And my heart broke for the depravity of the country.

I thought about this radio program I'd heard the other day where the deejays call someone to catch them in something, and this college girl had them catch her dad to find out he was cheating on her mom. And her fragile voice when she found out the truth, saying, "Dad? Dad? What are you doing? Dad?" echoes in my mind, breaking my heart for her and that family.

That was on top of a lot of other stressors I've been experiencing lately, some of which I'd been processing and some of which I'd pushed aside. All at once, unexpectedly, they swept over me like a tidal wave.

And so when I turned out my lights at 10:30, it wouldn't be for four more hours that I'd end up finally dozing off. I got up and worked for a little bit around 1. But mostly I laid there trying and failing to fall asleep.

Pretty quickly after I realized sleep was not in my near future, I began to pray. And I listened to some music. And although getting half a night's sleep is not my ideal way to start the week, I think I needed that time. That time for God to say, "Sorry, you're not ready to sleep yet. I've got some stuff to work through with you."

I listened to some music in this process. One of the songs I played a few times was "Blessings" by Laura Story. Mostly because of this line: "What if a thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know you're near?"

I'm hoping just one sleepless night was enough. Definitely not hoping for a thousand. But I resonated with that line because although I was emotional and just wanted to fall asleep, I also felt God with me in my brokenness. I was able to give things to him that I didn't even realize I was holding onto. And if that's what I needed (one night) to know God was near; it was worth it.