Change

If you know me at all, you know I'm a very opinionated person. If I like something, I LOVE something, and if I don't like it, I hate it.

Call it genetics. The running gag from my dad was that in the car, he'd either blast the A/C full blast or the heat full blast. And if the A/C got too cold and you asked him to turn it down he'd say, "You want heat?!?" and blast the heat.

I've taken a similar approach with my interests and opinions. And while sometimes that can be a good thing, sometimes it makes it really hard to grow and change. Sometimes it even makes it embarrassing.

You see, I've put myself in these boxes and announced to the world that this is who I am. I make these things a part of my identity. So when I try to change...I'm ashamed and worried I'll hear the "I told you so's." It can be easier just to not change than to try to redefine myself when I've been so outspoken about who I am.

Last year something happened that got me thinking about the reason I didn't want kids. I was dead set against having them. But when I really boiled down my desires, it came down to three factors. One of them wasn't a factor anymore, one of them I'd realized didn't have to be the case, and the third was just selfish. Bottom line, I realized I'm open to having kids. I didn't go into baby fever mode or start fretting over my biological clock. If I don't end up having kids, I'm okay with that, too. But I still had to change this identity I'd built as "someone who doesn't want kids." And that was really hard.

This year, I've begun eating a lot healthier. That's a bigger switch than the kids thing, because it goes back way farther. My college classmates would remember me as the girl who brought Swiss Cake Rolls to class for breakfast. My high school classmates would remember me as the girl who hoarded Cadbury Mini Eggs. (A day-after-Easter sale was the only time I ever cut class.) My middle school church friends might remember how I could never stop at just one Dunkin Donut in Sunday School. And my co-workers now know me for my love of Dunkin Donuts still.

And yes, I still love Dunkin Donuts. (Although the Colorado ones are sub-par.) But I'd built my identity up so much around being a donut person and never eating vegetables that I was pretty embarrassed about this shift.

I didn't set out to become healthier. There was a competition at work and you got points for eating veggies, fruits, and whole grains. I've been told I'm a bit competitive...and this contest really drove me. (Yes, my team won. And I checked to see if I got the most points individually of anyone in the company, and I did.)

I have really strong taste buds and a really strong gag reflex. Because of this, my food options are pretty limited. So I always ate junk food not because I didn't care about my health, but because I just didn't think there was enough I liked to be healthy. But as I strove to win this competition, I realized I could do it. I didn't have to force myself to gag down stuff that could hardly stay down. There was enough I liked that I could get the fruits and veggies I needed. And there were a few new things I tried that I liked.

The competition ended a while ago, but the change has lasted. All I needed was the push to see it was possible for me. And I've continued to find new things I like that are better choices for me. But it's hard for me when people make shocked comments about my food choices. I get it - I built up my own junk food reputation. I'm the girl who put Dunkin Donuts in her room safe at a work conference to make sure they didn't get stolen, and made sure everyone knew it.

Bottom line - I'm learning not to let my choices define me so much. Because I want to be flexible enough that God can stretch me and grow me.

One of my ah-ha's when I was confronted with the first shift, the kids issue, was reading Luke 5. Jesus calls his first disciples, who'd had a long night of fishing and caught nothing. He tells them to cast down their nets again, and they do, and catch a whole bunch of fish. I'd read it before, knew it well.

But verse 2 caught my attention this time. The fishermen were washing their nets. They'd packed it up, cleaned up, were about to head home. This wasn't like, they were just about to shore and they dropped the nets right where they were. (Which is kind of what I'd always pictured.) They'd ALREADY CLEANED THEIR NETS. And they didn't even know this Jesus guy. They had to go to a considerable amount of effort to change their plans, but they just did it. Can't say I'd be that flexible.

Now, maybe it stood out to me because I like things clean. Whatever the case, I was pretty impressed by these disciples taking their freshly cleaned nets and dropping back into the yucky water. And it made me realize that no matter how neat and tidy I've packaged up my identity, I need to be ready to shake things up when Jesus comes calling.

In the Midst

Yesterday I had lunch with someone who wanted to know my story of how I got to my current place of employment. I'm sure I've blogged about this before, but if so, it's been a while. And rehashing the story just reminded me how God is so present even when he doesn't seem to be.

I was at my previous employer for a little over three years. My role was primarily curriculum development, and I also led the teen helper ministry, which was a huge passion of mine. I also was in charge of conferences—not something I enjoyed.

So in March of 2008 when I learned that I would be in charge of the nursery (I can't stand babies) and losing the teen helper ministry, as well as reducing the amount of time I had to spend on curriculum development...I was crushed. Even though I also lost the conferences, which was a bright spot of the change, I was devastated to lose the teen helpers and gain a bunch of babies.

This began a very dark time in my life. I started my new position that May, and I was miserable. I quickly began to feel depressed. I couldn't sleep at night. I would regularly have to leave my desk, go to my secret hideaway at work, and curl up in a ball to cry. And I was very, very angry at God for doing this to me.

But here's the thing. I'd applied for other jobs, including one where I currently work, during my time at my old job. And while I hadn't even gotten as far as an interview in any of them, applying at those jobs made me think, "Could I really do that? Could I really leave the teen helper ministry?" I loved those teens, and letting go of that would've been really hard to justify.

So God just took it away from me. I didn't have to decide to let go, it was gone. Although that made me really angry, I can see now that he was loosening me up to prepare me for the next stage of my life. And because I had months to transition the ministry to new leadership, rather than a couple weeks, I was able to do so much more thoroughly.

As for the nursery? I'm so glad I didn't have to be there any longer than a couple months. (I put in my notice to go part time and only do curriculum about a month and a half into the nursery job.) But I did learn some things in my short time there that have applied to my current role. Even in a job that was a total square-peg-in-round-hole fit for me, God was teaching me, shaping me.

I said to my lunch buddy yesterday, "It was one of those things where I couldn't see God in the midst of it, but looking back he had such a great plan." And it's true. Everything that happened in 2008 was necessary for me to transition well to a new place in life.

When life seems dark and we don't know what on earth God is up to, he's still in the midst of it. He's probably doing something absolutely amazing, if you can just hold on.