Fault

Dan and I are filing for divorce. To many, it may seem sudden. The truth is, it was a long time coming. We've tried counseling, we've tried to make it work, but we could just never get on the same page. I don't want kids; he does. Neither of us did a good job appreciating the other in the way they needed. And that, on top of other problems I don't need to get into on the internet, meant we just drifted further and further apart and fought more and more.

We've talked about divorce in the past. But when it came right down to it, we were kind of playing "relationship chicken." I think we both wanted the other to be the one to say they wanted a divorce. Because then we wouldn't have to own the marriage falling apart. (And I'm just speculating about Dan's side of this—but that was how I felt.) If it had been Dan's call I could say, "Dan decided to leave me" and not take the blame. In the end, it was a pretty mutual decision and I don't think you could pin it on either one of us.

And I realized that the whole relationship chicken thing was silly. Even if it had been all Dan's decision, that wouldn't have meant I was blameless. Relationships that end rarely do so solely because of one person. Usually, the blame is pretty close to 50/50, regardless of who calls it off.

I struggle with the guilt of this decision. I never thought I'd be in this boat. But like I said, we tried counseling, we tried for years to make this work. I feel like we made the only choice we had left.

It's not a bitter divorce. I still have a love for Dan and want the best for him. And he has said he'll always have a place in his heart for me. It's just not enough. Among other things, we were never the right fit for each other, and once the blinders came off that became evident very quickly.

So, that's that. I am relieved in a sense, for all of this unhealthiness to just be done with. I'm also sad that we couldn't make it work. Sad that I broke a vow I made to Dan and to God. Sad that we didn't see the red flags 5 years ago. I'm both scared and excited about being single again. There are things I'm excited about, like not having to pick up dirty socks off the floor, and things I dread, like having to go down in the crawl space. (Spiders—black widows, even?)

What we had wasn't healthy for anyone. I felt daily like I was shrinking—my self-esteem, my ability to be myself, my joy. Dan felt similarly about being himself around me.

Dan isn't a terrible guy. I'm not angry, I'm not bitter. I'm thankful for the way he has supported me and encouraged me to pursue my dreams and come to Group. I really do want him to finish school and be successful in life. I want him to be happy. And I believe he wants that for me.

We've been friendly and mature throughout this whole process, which has made a world of difference. As we decided how to split things, we didn't really fight over anything. He extended the offer for me to keep the puppies, and he's willing to watch them if I'm out of town. I even had him read this before I posted it, because I respect him and didn't want to post anything about this that would bother him. (He said he agrees with all my sentiments.)

My goal in all of this (which I plan to post about later in more detail) was that I'd never be able to look back on this time with regrets about how I treated Dan. I didn't want to think ten years from now, "Wow, I was a jerk" or "How immature I was..." And so far, overall, I feel like we can both say we have treated each other with kindness and respect. If divorce has to happen, that's the way it should be.