Best of Blogs #9

Not So Nervous Anymore, originally posted 7/8/06 - the day after Dan & I started dating.

Well, all my nervousness was just silly. Dan didn't change his mind. He still wanted to date me. So now we are.

We had a great time - went to see Cars, made chicken parmesan (he is a great cook!!), and went to a pool party with my friends. They all approved.

It's really strange to be dating again. It's been over a year. But it seems so natural, and I have so much peace from God about this relationship. It won't be easy (since he lives in Ohio), but he is definitely worth it.

Pray for us, if you think of it, because I have a tendency to mess up relationships and I really, really don't want to do that with Dan.

Best of Blogs #8

I Gave Devil's Lake a Foothold, originally posted 5/20/06.

Wow. What a great camping trip that was. I'm so glad I went.

In a period of not much more than 24 hours, during which I didn't even have any time alone with God to pray or read my Bible, God did some pretty awesome things in my heart.

He gave me a lot of peace about some stuff that I needed peace about. Lying in my sleeping bag last night, worrying, God spoke to me in the silence, reminding me that I can trust Him, and He knows what He's doing with my life.

He helped me see His faithfulness in my life, mostly through conversations with others. I'll blog soon about the things God has taught me and brought me through in the past year, and a lot of it has to do with this point. Let me sum up by saying that a year ago I knew no one here outside of work, and after months of loneliness and just the past few months of good friendships, it was so awesome to see how God has brought me people to go camping with. And none of my closest friends were even on the trip. The people I knew as more than just acquaintances were few, and a year ago I would have been pretty introverted in that kind of situation and not been able to have good conversations. I probably would have clung to the people I already knew and not met anyone knew. But through the process God has brought me through in the past year, He has been shaping me and I am so glad because I got to have awesome conversations with people and get to know some neat people. I love people. They are so unique and fun and beautiful.

Today we went on a nice long, beautiful hike. Part of the hike involved climbing about 500 feet almost vertically up a rocky bluff. Now, ordinarily this would NOT be something I would do. I'm not afraid of heights, but I am afraid of falling to my death from unsafe footing. But I did it, and I'm so glad I did. I kept thinking of the line from The Rest of God that I quoted a few days ago - "It's just that you brushed death and escaped. It's that you tasted life and came back for more." No, I did not brush death, or even do anything that would seem terribly dangerous to most people. But I did something that, for me, required courage and in the end was completely fun and exhilarating. I finished that climb wanting to be stretched more and to have more adventures. It will always be a process, but I'm excited to see where God will go with that one.

And of course, the scenery (and weather) was simply beautiful. It's so amazing to look at vast hills and trees and boulders and think that in one word God just spoke them into existence. At first it made me feel small, only then I thought to myself, I think that driving through the city you ought to be equally, if not more amazed at God's creation, because you see so many people there and people are His most beautiful creation, made in His image. As a person, I am one of God's most beautiful creations. Which is crazy because my heart can be pretty ugly sometimes.

Then there was the drive home, which I did alone because I had to leave early. A two hour drive alone seemed like 15 minutes to me, and my cheekbones hurt from smiling so much. I was just praying and praising God and singing to Him the whole way home, and smiling so huge because I was just feeling so filled with Him and so grateful for all that He has done in my life in the past year, and in the past 24 hours

Best of Blogs #7

All Is Never Lost, originally posted 4/28/06 (just a couple months before I started dating Dan). Here's a link to the song I mention: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KcQE2FvhhKc.

Two years ago, I was completely broken-hearted. A relationship that had never officially been a relationship but that had taken my heart had officially ended, and I was miserable. I had jumped so far ahead in my mind and in my heart that I was convinced this was the guy I was going to marry - and now it was over.

I needed to go for a drive - one of those drives where you have no destination - just to clear my head. Unfortunately, I didn't have a car. So I had to manage with a nice, long, tearful walk.

I ended up at a park, and I sat on a swing and started singing the Caedmon's Call song "Table For Two" - about how I was afraid of being alone, and maybe I had missed my only chance. Even though the song was about trusting God in the midst of that, I really felt quite hopeless. That I'd found the right guy and somehow had been too pushy, or too rushed, or just not good enough, or for whatever reason had screwed the whole thing up and now it was over, and I was destined to a life of pining after a man who didn't love me. I was faced with the terrible thought that I had missed my only chance at romance.

Now, two years later, I can't even imagine how I thought that. I'm so glad that I met this guy - it was a desire to be near him that originally brought me to Milwaukee - but I am also very glad that we are not together now. I know that there are plenty of other fish in the sea, and all is not lost because I didn't end up with this guy. In fact, all would have been lost if I had.

But at the time, I couldn't see two years ahead. I couldn't see two months ahead. All I could see was the present, and the present hurt and felt hopeless, and I transferred that to the rest of my life. So often we forget that while we are busy focusing on the here and now, God is looking at the pain in the context of our entire lives, reminding us not to despair. I hadn't missed out on anything; God had spared me from a relationship that was not healthy and never would have been. In God's economy, no matter how much it hurts right now, all is never lost.

Now every time I hear that song, I see my sad self sitting on the swing and God reminds me to keep hoping in His plans for me, whatever they may be.

Best of Blogs #6

Breaking Into the Inner Circle, originally posted 4/23/06.

See the girl in the back, on the right? That's me in 6th grade.

I remember my exact emotions when that picture was being taken. It was nearing the end of a school year filled with failed attempts to fit in. I'd tried everything, and yet never really felt like I was in with any group.

This was the group I really wanted to be in with, because they were the popular girls. So when they posed for a picture, I stood in the back and tried to look like I belonged. But I remember feeling SO out of place in this picture, like they didn't even know I was posing in it with them. I felt like this random extra person in the back who had no reason to be in the picture. It felt like the picture was an inner circle, and I was on the outside.

Tonight, standing around a bonfire at a party, I felt the exact opposite of that emotion. I felt like I'd finally made it in. If the bonfire was an inner circle, I was in it. No longer was I a random extra person in the back; no longer did I feel invisible. And as I stood there, not on the outside of the circle but as a part of it, this picture flashed before my mind, and I just had to smile and bask in the contentment of a lifelong dream of acceptance being realized.

Best of Blogs #5

The Year the Locusts Have Eaten, originally posted 3/26/06. This was in regards to a trip I was supposed to go on with my Dad in high school, but didn't get the chance. We went in June 06. :)

"I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten—the great locust and the young locust, the other locusts and the locust swarm — my great army that I sent among you. You will have plenty to eat, until you are full, and you will praise the name of the LORD your God, who has worked wonders for you; ever again will my people be shamed. Then you will know that I am in Israel, that I am the LORD your God, and that there is no other; never again will my people be shamed." - Joel 2:25-27

This passage was read at 20-something on Wednesday in a totally different context, but today I've been thinking about it in the context of my counseling. There's one thing in particular that I missed out on because of the very things I'm finding healing from in my counseling, and I really want the opportunity to go back and do it.

So today I looked online at how feasible it would be, and I think it might work. If I have the guts to ask...

Sometimes I think healing might really come when the years the locusts have eaten are repaid.



Best of Blogs #4

I Don't Deserve Shiny Smooth Fingernails, originally posted 3/19/06.

Today I was at the mall and a salesman at a center aisle kiosk asked me if I wanted to see something amazing. Skepticism up, but interested to see what I would be "amazed" by, I said, "sure."

The man gently took my right hand. This was getting weird fast. But I waited to see what would happen. "See these lines?" he asked, pointing at the vertical ridges on my nails. I nodded. "Everyone has them. Watch this." He started scraping one of my fingernails with a rectangular thingamajigger. He explained that it was some diamond thing or something that got rid of the ridges. Sure enough, the ridges were gone.

"But wait! There's more!" he assured me. He turned the rectangular thing. Now it was a cotton surface. It felt warm and soothing, like a massage for my nails.

Then came the silk side. It made my nail very shiny, as though I had painted it with clear nail polish. All without any chemicals.

He was right, I was amazed. And he wasn't even done! There was also some chemical thing that removed excess cuticles like magic.

I was even more amazed when he told me it cost 40 bucks for the whole kit. (It also included lotion.)

I told him I couldn't afford it. Through conversation, he ended up offering it to me for $25. I still declined. But in the midst of his sales pitch, he was telling me that it was such a good deal because the kit would last 2 years and someone who gets a manicure twice a month spends about $600 a year on her nails.

I told him I'd never gotten a manicure. He was shocked. "But you are a beautiful woman; you deserve beautiful nails! This is a treat for you!"

I don't think it would have been wrong to spend $25 on the nail kit. I do think it would have been wrong to buy it under the premise that for whatever reason, I somehow deserve shiny smooth fingernails. Because the (beautiful) starving children in Africa deserve food, and it's just not always an option. And here I am, being told I should buy a nail kit because I deserve it.

The last discount he offered me, which dropped it from $32 to $25, was because he said I was a "woman of God." It was that comment that truly stopped me from buying the kit. Because lets face it, the one nail that he treated looks awesome. And my other nine nails don't match it now. But if I am a woman of God, I cannot fall for the sales pitch that I deserve something so extravagant as shiny, smooth nails.

Best of Blogs #3

I'm going to go out of order and go with this post, originally from 4/28/08. It's called "Dreaming of Tarshish."

Sometimes I wonder what is the point of the story of Jonah. He didn't do what God asked him to. He ran away. He got swallowed by a fish, prayed, and ended up going to Nineveh. And if that was it, great story. Jonah's heart was changed.

But that's not it. Jonah went reluctantly and was really mad when God spared Nineveh. His heart wasn't changed at all. So what do we really learn? I don't think anybody really knows, that's why in children's versions of the story the ending is usually cut off. And the thing is, Jonah wrote the book himself. If he wanted to make himself look good, he could have made it look like he really turned a corner. I think there was a stubborn part of him that wanted people to know he wasn't happy about it.

As I hid in a dark classroom today, curled up in the fetal position and contemplating what life would be like if I went home and Dan and I packed up and just left today without telling anyone we were leaving, I thought about Jonah.

A couple of months ago I was given the option to get rid of my favorite part of my job in exchange for more work that I didn't want to do, with no raise...or to not have a job anymore. Since not having a job wasn't really an option, I accepted it...but about as reluctantly as Jonah went to Nineveh.

This week the transition takes place, and I officially start my new position. I'm pretty sure that the next person who says, "congratulations on your promotion" is going to get smacked. More work + same pay + less enjoyable work = demotion. FYI.

For a while I resigned to it. I wasn't excited, but I accepted it. But as it becomes a reality, here I am daydreaming of Tarshish. And even though Jonah comes to mind, I wonder...what am I really supposed to learn from his story?

Best of Blogs #2

The Porcelain Doll That Sits on The Toy Store Shelf, originally posted 2/8/06. My maid-of-honor read part of this as her toast at my wedding. :)

***

In recent years I've had a lot of people tell me that I'm a really quality girl, and any guy would be lucky to have me, and any guy who isn't dating me is an idiot. I've been told this by girls, and I've been told it by guys. And even though I know they mean well, it hurts to hear that from all sorts of people, especially when I hear it from guys, and yet wonder when there will be someone who really believes that they would be lucky to be with me. I've even expressed this sentiment and gotten a response of more "you'll be a great wife" type comments. I don't mean to put the people who say such things in a bad light. Of course they are being nice, and trying to speak truth to me in the midst of my insecurity. It's just that it doesn't feel true to always hear it and only live it with boys that pull my tail and whose noses I have to bite. (You'll get that by the end of this blog.)

I feel like a porcelain doll on a toy store shelf that everyone comes in and marvels over, but no one actually wants to buy. Maybe they are afraid I'm too fragile and they'll break me. I don't know. But I feel like this metaphor came to me from some book I read as a child. So tonight I looked at my kids books and tried to find it. I couldn't find the one I was thinking of, but I did read one that I really resonated with.

It's a book that had a very different meaning to me as a child:

It goes like this:

How do you do? My name is Barney Beagle. I live in a pet shop. These are my friends. We have a pretty good time here. I like the pet shop. But I do not want to stay here. I want to live in a house - with a boy. I am waiting for the right boy. I hope he comes soon.

Here comes a boy now. Is he MY boy? I hope so. No, he is Boxer's boy. Anyone can see THAT. [Note: if you see the illustrations, all the customers look very much like the dogs that they buy.] The boy has to pay for Boxer. Now he's taking Boxer home. They look so happy. Good-by Boxer!

I wish MY boy would come. Here comes someone! Is it MY boy? I hope so. No, it's a girl. She's Poodle's girl. Anyone can see THAT. The girl has to pay for Poodle. Now she is taking Poodle home with her. How happy they look. Good-by, Poodle!

I do hope MY boy comes soon. Someone is coming now! Maybe it's MY boy! No, it's a man. I think I know the dog he wants. Yes, it's Sheepdog. Anyone can see THAT. The man has to pay for Sheepdog. Now they are going home. They do look happy. Good-by, Sheepdog.

I wonder when MY boy will come? Every day some boys and girls come to the pet shop. Every day some more dogs go home with their boys and girls. How happy they all look! Where is MY boy? Where can he be?

Today there are just two of us in the pet shop. Me, Barney Beagle, and my friend Spot. We are still waiting. Here comes someone right now. Here comes a boy! Maybe, maybe, MAYBE he is MY boy! No, he is Spot's boy. Anyone can see THAT. The boy has to pay for Spot. Now he is taking Spot home with him. They look so happy. Good-by, Spot. Good-by.

Now all my friends are gone. Now I am all alone. It's no fun to be here all alone. I wish MY boy would come. Someone is coming now! It's a boy! Maybe - at last - No, it's not MY boy. Anyone can see THAT. [The boy is pulling Barney's tail, etc.] Stop that! Go away! Let go of me! Stop that! This boy wants me. But I do not want him. He wants to take me home. But I will not go with him. [At this point Barney Beagle bites the boy's nose.] THERE! The boy is mad. But I am glad. I am glad to see him go. But I do not like it here all alone.

I hope MY boy will come for me. It is very late. The man wants to go home. I will be all alone tonight. I guess MY boy will never come. Someone is coming! I do not want to look. Maybe, maybe, MAYBE...It IS a boy! It is MY boy! Anyone can see THAT. I'm so happy to see you! You took so long to come! Now he has to pay for me. Then he will take me home.

Let's go. Let's go. Come on! Come on! Why don't we go home? The man is looking at the money. "You need more money," he tells my boy. My boy looks very sad. "That is all the money I have," He cannot pay for me! He cannot take me home! "Please?" says my boy. "He's a very small dog." The man looks at me. He looks at my boy. He thinks and thinks and thinks. Then he laughs. "Yes," he says. "Barney is a very small dog. And I do want to sell him before I go home. Yes, you can have him." Hooray! Hooray! I have my boy at last! "Come on, Barney," says my boy. "Let's go home." Good-by, pet shop. Good-by, pet shop man. I'm going home with My boy!

I think, given my previous blogs and my musings before this story, the point is clear.

Best of Blogs

I started blogging on January 1, 2006...five years ago! So I decided to celebrate 5 years of blogging by spending January doing a "Best of Blogs" month. Here's one originally posted on January 11, 2006, when I was visiting Group for a conference:

My Alternate Future

It feels kind of surreal being here in Colorado. I feel like I’m living in my alternate future. In college, before I started looking at places to work, I picked out what state I would most like to live in based on climate and scenery. Colorado was my pick. I said I wanted either ocean or mountains. (No complaints about Wisconsin, I love it there, but I do sometimes miss that kind of scenery.)

Then, knowing I wanted to develop curriculum, I started looking at various places that were out there. I was really impressed with Group and was going to contact them. But before I did, one of my professors told me that it would be a lot better experience for me to work at a church that develops its own curriculum, because I would have more autonomy and room for creativity. She recommended the church I’m at now, so I interned there and the rest is history. I love it so much and I know God has called me there, so it’s not like being here has made me regret the path God took me down. It’s just kind of surreal to look at what might have been.

And to be quite honest, it is something that’s on my radar screen again. It’s always kind of been there, since my former boss had told me she’d love for me to at some point in my life have experience at a curriculum publishing company to see how things run from this end. Being here has put it even more on my radar screen – not sooner but just more of a realistic possibility. I’d really hate to leave my current job – I love it so much and I love Milwaukee. But if God calls me here at some point in the future I’d be excited about coming. I don’t think it would be in the very near future, though, because I want to be committed to my church for a while.

Tonight in the hot tub of the hotel another man from the conference was asking everyone where they saw themselves in ten years, and I had to admit that this was a real possibility. It’s kind of crazy to think about, but at the same time maybe God has a reason for my involvement in hosting this conference besides the value of the conference. Who really knows what He’s up to besides Him?

Resolutions

I made a lot of resolutions in 2010. And all in all, I did pretty well with them: I decluttered my house, finished and edited my book, wrote 50 devotionals (was going to do 1/week, so close), blogged fairly regularly (though not daily as intended), kept in touch better with my nephew, worked out more (3x/week when I was doing it..), and read through more than half the Bible (I was going to do the whole thing). I only read 2 of the 6 nonfiction books I intended too.

Here are my 2011 resolutions. I'm encouraged by how I did with my goals in 2010 - even those I didn't do that well with, they motivated me to do more than I would have without them. So here's to 2011!

General goals:

• See the good in everyone (my only non-measurable goal)
  
• Read the other half of the Bible
• Write my next book
• Learn the mountain peaks viewable from Loveland
• Read 5 or more classics (Ethan Frome, Old Man and the Sea, Frankenstein, The Time Machine, and 20,000 Leagues Under the Sea)
• Read 3 or more non-fiction books (Road to Reality, Captivating by Eldrege, The Me I Want to Be by Ortberg)
  

Weekly goals:

• Blog at least 5x/week
• Work out 3x/week
• Write a devotional/week

Monthly goals:

• Bake desserts instead of buying them at least once per month