Roller Coaster

I haven't blogged in a long time, but I think I'm ready to get back on the blogging wagon. But first, I thought I'd blog about my life for the past month or so.

2011 has been a roller coaster year. Coming in off the tail of my Dad being released from the hospital after 3 weeks in the surgical ICU, I was rejoicing that January 1st marked 1 month since his aortic dissection. While he still had a lot of recovery to do, he was out of the most critical period.

January 1st (well, technically just a few hours before midnight) was also exciting because I won a Macbook at Group's Bombastic Bingo Bash. Yes, 2011 was off to a good start.

Fast forward 17 days. D-day. A nearly 10% lay-off at Group left me reeling as I lost many of my closest work friends and tried to figure out how to manage this new workload. Adjusting to a new boss, a new culture, a new team. Not all of it was bad, but it was a lot of change, and it was hard. It still is hard.

Then in March, we decided to get a new puppy. A third dog. But 24-hours into adding Biscuit to the family, Peanut got really sick and had to go into the ER vet, where she stayed for 2 days and ultimately had surgery. Dan and I worked to develop a routine that would accommodate house-breaking a puppy, monitoring his behavior, trying to keep our crazy recovering Nut calm, handling three different dog foods, and administering 9 total dog prescriptions, 3 times a day. And we did it.

Then just a couple weeks after Peanut was fully recovered, just as owning three dogs wasn't so crazy...Buttercup's heart gave out, and we had to make the decision to put her down. Two days after my birthday.

Meanwhile, I was battling stomach problems resulting from an antibiotic I was taking for my own health problem, and shortly after that I got a sore throat that turned into the cough that never ends. Which, it turns out, was the cause of me pulling something in my upper back and causing excruciating pain yesterday (which has thankfully lessened to mild pain today).

Needless to say, this is one roller coaster I'm not enjoying and am eager to get off. I was kind of down before Buttercup died, from everything else that had happened...but that set me over the edge. I've been dealing with anxiety, feeling emotionally overwhelmed, and motivation-wise, paralyzed. It's been taking so much strength to do each little task, and the slightest negative comment or set back pushes me over the edge. That's why I haven't been blogging. I had to eliminate all the unnecessary tasks I could.

And then yesterday something happened. I was in the shower and a song started playing in my head. It was "Let It All Out" by Relient K. The words filled my head out of nowhere: And you said I know that this will hurt/But if I don't break your heart, things will just get worse/When the burden seems too much to bear/Remember, the end will justify the pain it took to get us there.

So I put all my Relient K CDs in my car CD player and started listening to them on random on the drive to work, starting with that song. It's one of a few times in my life where I felt too weak to compose my own prayers, but music was a way to cry out to God, the words of my heart artfully composed by his musical servants.

I was different after that. I wouldn't say healed, but not so dejected. And then my boss called me into her office yesterday and let me know about some assignment changes that would ease my heavy work burden. The yoke is starting to lift.

I don't know what this roller coaster of 2011 has next. I'd like to think it's over. But I do know this: those song lyrics reminded me of a time I'd written them in my journal. Which reminded me of something else written in my journal, just before the lay-offs, when I knew they were coming and thought I might be a victim. I wrote about how I'd reacted when everything went so awfully for me at my old job, and how I didn't want it to be like that. I wrote, "So no matter what happens...I want to trust in God's plan and his faithfulness."

But oh, how quickly I forget.