No Regrets

On Ashley Hebert's season of The Bachelorette, her big mantra on her quest for love was "no regrets." Not to step on her toes, but my mantra in going through a divorce has been the same.

From the moment Dan and I decided to separate and pursue divorce, I thought of all the ugly divorces I've seen and heard about, both in real life and on TV. And I decided I didn't want ours to be like that, at least not as far as I could control. I never wanted to look back on this time in my life and have to say, "Oh wow, I was so immature." Or, "what a jerk I was to him." Or, "I wish I'd been different." Going through divorce is never an ideal situation, but it was what it was, and I wanted to make the best of it and have no regrets. After all, although our marriage didn't work out, his role in my life helped me pursue the job at Group, which I love. And he was the one who picked out Biscuit. Despite all the bad things of our marriage, he has brought my life to a better place in a lot of ways.

And so, I wanted to act with dignity, treat him with God's love, and live righteously. Shortly into the decision I read Psalm 112:5, which says, "Good will come to him who is generous and lends freely, who conducts his affairs with justice." That's what I wanted to do. I wanted to be generous, fair, and just. And while I can't say I succeeded 100% of the time, my overall impression is that I did that well.

It was made easier by the fact that Dan acted similarly. I don't know if he'd taken on the same view point up front of not wanting to regret how he treated me during this season, but regardless, he acted kind and friendly toward me. As we decided how to split things, he was just as agreeable. Would I have succeeded as well at my goal if he was a big jerk fighting tooth and nail over every little possession? Probably not...but I sure would've tried.

There are a lot of times when situations in our relationships are less than ideal. Maybe it's divorce, maybe it's your marriage. Maybe it's your job, or a disagreement with a friend, or a difficulty with a parent. And we can't control how the other person acts. I was lucky Dan was so nice. But even if he hadn't been, I still would've had control over my own actions.

In another situation, not related to Dan, I held on to bitterness for a long time. And when I finally let it go and found closure, I felt so much more whole, more full. My bitterness never hurt the target of my unforgiveness. But it sure hurt me. So often, divorce is full of resentment and anger, and I don't want that. I've got no hard feelings towards Dan, and I want the best for him. And I think the only way to truly heal from divorce and move on is to let go of the bitterness that is really only hurting you.