Waiting

I had this thought today about waiting. I've blogged before about how waiting seems so hard because sometimes, you don't even know what you're waiting for. Romans 5 says if we hope for what we don't yet have, we wait for it patiently. But what about when we're not sure our hopes are even what we'll end up getting? It's hard to wait patiently when we're not even sure all that patience will yield what we want.

But my thought today was about dessert. Because, well, I think about dessert a lot anyway. I was thinking about how when I was a kid, every night for dessert we got a bowl of ice cream and a cookie. And through my green beans, I had to exercise a lot of patience as I waited for that yummy dessert.

But what if one night, my parents had an even yummier surprise dessert? What if they had ice cream cake (with the chocolate crumblies), or double chocolate Dunkin Donuts, or a trip to an ice cream parlor? I'd be waiting for my bowl of ice cream and cookie and never get it...but only because I'm getting something far better!

When we don't get what we want, it's because God has something better in store. I've come to the realization that there are things I was waiting for that are pretty much not going to happen. But all that means is that I'm going to the ice cream parlor! What I thought was going to be an awesome thing probably won't happen...but whatever God will do in my life will be vastly greater.

And that's why I can wait patiently and hopefully.

Divorce Support Group

Faith Church in Loveland is having a 13-week divorce support group on Sundays at 9:00 am, in the "Daniel" classroom. This group is open to any adult experiencing separation or divorce, or in the aftermath of divorce. We'll explore topics of loss and grief in order to find emotional healing through this difficult time of life.

The group will have a Christian, biblical focus, but is open to people of any faith. We will be using "The Transcending Divorce Journal" as our guide, along with Bible passages that complement the topics. This is a great divorce care group for people in the Loveland, Fort Collins, Greeley, and surrounding areas.

Sunday School classes for kids occur at the same time for those needing childcare.

The class will run January 20-April 28, 2013. We will NOT be meeting on February 17 or Easter Sunday, March 31. Comment below if you have any questions.

Planning a New Year

I entered 2012 full of hope and plans for what the year would hold for me. Dan had just moved out and I was optimistic about what my future would hold. And I had very specific plans in mind for my year.

Well, 2012 certainly did not disappoint in terms of my hopefulness and optimism, at least on a personal level. While the year was terrible for many friends who lost loved ones, and for my state as we faced numerous wildfires and the Aurora movie theater shooting, for me it was probably the best year of my life to date.

But the specific plans I had didn't come to pass the way I'd anticipated. I was so confident that these things would be a part of my 2012, when in fact God was ready to bless me in so many other ways.

2012 was a year of abundance. Tremendous healing and growth. Unparalleled closeness to God. A promotion. A facelift for my home. God's calling to new ministry areas. Looking back on the year, there's nothing in my life I'd change.

I enter 2013 a totally different person than I was a year ago. I'm so much more aware of who I am. I'm so much more aware of how to capitalize on my strengths and cope with my weaknesses. I've found the healing I was so hopeful 2012 would bring, and now I look forward with eager expectation to see what God will do with my repaired heart.

But unlike last year, I don't go in with specific plans. This year, my resolution is to simply wait and see what God is going to do—to take it as it comes whether or not I like it at the time. My resolution is to stop banking on my plans for my life—to not even make those plans. I trust his plans, and I know that all my planning doesn't amount to much anyway.

Over the summer God gave me these words: "Trust me" and "just wait." I want these words to be the theme of 2013. I want to trust God, rather than my own plans, and just wait to see what awesome things he'll do through me and with me.

Baby Jesus

As much as I love Christmas - and I think I've made it quite clear that I do - I struggle with one thing. Actually, kind of the main thing.

See, when I think of Jesus coming to earth, usually I think about his mission and purpose in doing so, and not about him actually being a baby. I mean, it fits with celebrating birthdays, right? We don't typically think of the birthday person as a baby, but we celebrate their life.

But when I do think about Jesus as a baby, I don't like it at all.

First of all, because I don't like babies. Never have. When one comes by, I don't want to hold it. I love having a cold if a baby comes around because it gives me a great excuse to stay far away. So to think of my Jesus, the one I love so much, as a baby...it bothers me.

But that isn't even the most bothersome part. Because I mean, everyone was a baby. If I ever fall in love again, it will be with a man who was once a baby. I was once a baby. And I even wanted to hold my niece and nephew when they were babies. The point is he's not a baby anymore.

But what really bothers me about it is the grossness and the weakness. I mean first of all, birth is a gross process. Not that I've ever witnessed one (thank goodness), but I'm well aware of all the blood and goo. Extra blood, presumably, when a virgin gave birth. And nothing but hay to clean all this up with? Gross gross gross. (And the Pope is now saying there were no animals there. Are you kidding? I bet animals loved all that blood and embryonic fluid.)

And then there's the weakness. I mean this is Jesus. It makes sense for a normal human to start off as a weak and helpless baby. But this is the Lord of the universe. The Lord of the universe, making a mess in a diaper. (And we're back to gross.) The Lord of the universe, unable to feed himself. The Lord of the universe, susceptible to death from being dropped or shaken. The Lord of the universe, screaming that shrill baby cry that makes me want to cut my ears off. (Undoubtedly that night - and the ones that followed - were far from silent.)

I suppose it shouldn't bother me. I should be grateful that the Lord of the universe would assume this weak form for me. Maybe if I liked babies I would be. But it's hard for me to reconcile Lord and Savior with baby.

What I Love About Christmas

All day I've been posting about my Christmas tree on Facebook. I slept on the couch last night, skipped lunch today, all because I don't want to leave my most decorated room.

And really, I've been gearing up for the Christmas season long before I decorated yesterday. When I turned onto 4th Street downtown a few weeks ago and saw the lights strung across the street, I literally squealed with delight. A day or two later when I discovered a radio station that was already playing Christmas songs, I squealed again and have listened exclusively to that radio station since. I don't mind Christmas butting into Thanksgiving, not in the least. Christmas season doesn't last long enough for me.

Why do I love it so much? Because no matter what their intentions, anyone who decorates for Christmas is celebrating Jesus. Sure, there are many who celebrate the Santa-fied, commercialized, Jesus-less Christmas, but their festivities still scream of the One whose birth is the reason we celebrate.

I think my absolutely favorite thing is the lights. Against the backdrop of leafless trees and a cold wintery sky, these lights add an element of hope that make me absolutely giddy with love for the Light of the World. When all seemed bleak, this Light came to the world and brought hope. Every twinkling light I see remind me of his light, his hope.

The tree comes next. Of course, it is strung with the lights I love so much. But even my fake tree is a symbol to me of the life Jesus brought when he came to our world. And this isn't just a tree in the yard; it is an intimate part of my life, brought into my home. Likewise, Jesus longs to be invited into our homes, into the inmost parts of our lives.

And I love the presents. Not just getting them, which of course is fun for anyone. But the whole spirit of giving surrounding the holiday. I used to think it odd that we give everybody else presents on Jesus' birthday. But I think he must delight in seeing this love and sacrifice when giving is done right. It's a wonderful way to celebrate his selfless giving.

The music. Oh, the music. While I do delight in the whimsy of Santa songs like Frosty the Snowman and Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer, nothing gives me butterflies like hearing songs about Jesus on the regular old radio. It's the one time of year when stations other than K-Love proclaim the Savior. The song that moves me the most is "O Holy Night." When it gets to the line that so boldly proclaims "Christ is the Lord," I well up with tears a little bit. Every time. The meaning of Christmas may be hidden to many, but it isn't lost. When secular radio stations shamelessly declare such a powerful message, it's impossible to forget that Jesus is the reason we celebrate.

But it's all of these things added together that make Christmas so beautiful to me. I never feel closer to Jesus than in this season. Our world is transformed for this month, and it's transformed because of Jesus. It's transformed because, whether or not people realize it, 2,000 plus years ago a little baby was born that could transform the hearts of everyone in the world. This piece of the year, we get to see and hear that all around us...and I love it.

The Flip Side

"Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God." - 2 Corinthians 1:3-4

I grew up pretty sheltered from divorce. Sure, I had friends here and there with divorced parents, but within my own immediate and extended family, divorce was pretty rare. And even among my friends, I never had a friend whose parents got divorced during our friendship.

And because of this, I didn't really understand it. I figured anyone who got a divorce was probably sinning. I approached divorcees with judgment.

And so, faced with the decision of divorce in my own marriage, I wavered for a while. When we finally decided it was over, it had been a couple years of the idea coming up. One of the big things holding me back was my fear that others would judge me the same way I'd judged others. I couldn't stand to think that I'd fit into this "divorced" category. I didn't want that label, because I feared how others would view me.

Ultimately I decided it was between me and God, and if other people wanted to judge me, that was their problem. If I was clear with God, that was all that mattered. And that's what pushed me to make that decision.

Now I have a whole new view of divorce. Having been through it myself, I know that there's always more to it than people may be willing to share. And that's OK...there's no obligation to share it or prove to anyone that they're OK before God.

So lately I've found myself in a role I never quite envisioned: people going through divorce have been coming to me when they need someone to talk to. People I would've judged 5 or 6 years ago, I now have a heart to help. And I'm psyched about it. Of course I'm not psyched that others are going through a difficult phase of life, but I'm psyched that God is using my troubles to help me bring his comfort to others. I said from the beginning of this path that I wanted it to be something that would bring glory to God.

I'm working on starting a divorce support group at my church. I feel like I want to embrace this role and help others who are struggling through some of the same things I did. The logistics, the emotions, the fear of being labelled, the need for someone to talk to. I'm so thankful that God can use my brokenness to minister to others. It's an affirmation that he can take anything and turn it into good.

Persecution

I saw this link on Facebook recently, to an article that listed "evidence" that President Obama is hostile toward Christians.

I saw it more as a list of ways Christians aren't treated preferentially above other religions anymore.

And I'm OK with that.

Let me make one thing clear: I absolutely believe that Christianity is the only path to God. But let me make another thing clear: I don't believe legislating Christian morals is a way to save anyone...wouldn't that mean we're saved by works? Christianity is about a change of heart that happens when Jesus transforms our lives. And no one is going to have their heart changed for Jesus because gay marriage is illegal.

So, that being established: I think what Christians often see as government persecution is really us losing the ability to oppress other faiths.

Here was my response on the link: "It just bugs me when American Christians get all bent out of shape about the 'persecution' that occurs in America. It is not persecution when Obama doesn't participate in the National Day of Prayer. It would be persecution if Obama sent the police out to arrest and imprison anyone who prayed on the National Day of Prayer. It is not persecution when Target won't say "Merry Christmas." I think what we're really upset about isn't hostility or persecution or preferential treatment of anyone else, it's that we're not getting the preferential treatment anymore. Persecution is when the government will not let you practice your own religious beliefs without fear of punishment. MAYBE the whole employers must cover abortion thing goes into that. But even that is a stretch, in my opinion. Seems to me persecution in that case would be the government limiting the number of children you can legally have (like China did), thus forcing you to get an abortion or break the law if you get pregnant after that number. In my opinion, Obama has done nothing to infringe on my personal rights as a Christian, and this article hasn't given any evidence that he has. Therefore, I don't consider him hostile at all."

Someone responded, noting that Obama manages to host a Ramadan dinner every year. I don't see why that's a problem. He's not forcing anyone else to observe Ramadan. When did it become hostility or persecution toward Christians that other people have freedom to celebrate other faiths?

We live in a country that was, at least in theory, built on religious freedom. But Christianity was emphasized, at least on a verbal level. So we as Christians have gotten used to a certain standard where we expect Christianity to be touted above other religions. And as this supremacy has gradually slipped out of our grasp (and not all under Obama), we feel we're being persecuted.

I think we need to put on our big girl panties and get over it. We are so spoiled we don't even know what persecution means. And we're belittling the suffering of people who do.

Christian Politics

I've been working up the nerve to write a political blog because I fear the fallout, but hey, it's my blog. I can say whatever I want. So here goes.

1) I hate that the church gets involved in politics. Not because I don't believe faith should influence our vote - I do - but because the church seems to think that means vote Republican no matter who's running. And while I align myself with the Republican party on the abortion issue, on issues of economy and equality my understanding of biblical principles sway me left. (Therefore I consider myself non-affiliated.) And I refuse to vote based on one issue. Especially abortion, because in 2004 I was persuaded to vote for Bush because in his 2nd term there were going to be two supreme court seats opened, and I was assured that if I voted for Bush he would appoint Republicans and Roe v. Wade would be overturned. So in that election more than any other, I was told, I needed to vote Republican. So I did. And I've come to realize that the President maybe doesn't have so much power on that issue as I thought.

2) As a follow up to that...I kind of wonder how much the President really influences things. I mean everyone is always asking the question "Are you better off now than you were four years ago?" Well, no, at least not because of anything Obama did...but I'm also not worse off. And I don't think that answer would've been any different if McCain had won.

3) Christian persecution. I heard this sermon a couple weeks ago that seemed a bit convoluted to me. The premise was that under Obama, our church is being persecuted. Hence (this was an undertone), our faith should influence us to vote for Romney to preserve the church. All the biblical examples he used of persecution showed stronger faith and a growing church. And in the end he said it doesn't matter who wins, it's the hearts of the voters that matter.

So this got me to thinking. Let's say I buy the premise that Obama persecutes Christian freedom (I actually don't). And let's say I buy the premise that persecution helps the church grow (I actually do). If these two things that seemed to be the theme of the sermon are both true, shouldn't our Christian faith influence us to vote for the one who will help the church grow - the one who is allegedly persecuting it? I mean, I sit here with a Bible on my nightstand and 6 more on my shelf, and more days than most I forget to crack it open. If owning a Bible was illegal I would either get rid of mine, or be gung-ho for immersing myself in it. Why risk the ownership unless I'm all in? And if Obama is going to illegalize Bibles (he's so not), and that would help my heart for God grow stronger...then he should be my pick. Right? I'm not saying I hope for persecution. But let's face it, the hearts of the voters would be either all for or all out in terms of the Christian faith if we were persecuted. (And no, I do not consider Target saying "Happy Holidays" a form of persecution.) There'd be no more room for luke warm faith. Is the point really just that Christians are afraid that a little heat will compromise the cushiness of our faith?

4) Abortion. So, I don't believe in abortion no matter what. But come on Christians, if we can compromise on rape and incest to have a better chance of saving 99% of aborted babies, why not do it? We can still stand by the fact that abortions are always wrong. But a vote is never going to pass if it doesn't allow for those exceptions. And for the love of Pete, leave birth control out of it. It's like an orphanage is on fire, and there are 100 kids inside, and the firemen come and say, "well, we can save 99 but there's one we won't be able to reach" and we say, "well then forget it. We value life, and if you can't save them all, we won't compromise on that."

5) I think Romney is ridiculous. Party affiliation aside, he is just ridiculous. I fully expect politicians to lie and change their alleged opinions, but come on. The guy changes his mind more than a newborn baby gets his diaper changed. (And they seem to be full of the same stuff.) Even if I did align myself more to the right side of the spectrum, I don't think I could vote for him. And if you disagree, that's fine, but please don't try to persuade me to change my mind. It's not going to work, just as I don't expect Romney supporters to go out and vote Obama after reading this.

6) Why do born again Christians keep bringing the candidate's faith into this? They keep saying that Obama claims to be a Christian but he doesn't really know the Bible (true of many Christians, let's face it), so we should vote Romney. Umm...last I checked most born again Christians don't consider mormonism to be a truly Christian religion. So even if you don't think Obama is a Christian, fine. Either way, we're not going to have a Christian President, so get over it.

OK. Rant done. This ends my political voice for the season, except for jokes. I will now return to referring to Romney as "Mittens."

Love Your Enemies

Jesus told us to love our enemies and pray for the people who persecute us.

So when 9/11 happened, I prayed. I prayed for the families of the victims, but most of all I prayed for Osama Bin Laden. My classmates thought I was nuts. How could I pray for a man who would commit such horrendous acts?

But I felt bad for him. How deluded, how broken, how lost was this man who would commit such horrendous acts?

This came up in conversation recently and someone asked me if that meant I'd pray for the man who abducted and killed Jessica Ridgeway. I hadn't prayed for him, but as I thought about it I realized that yes, that man needs my prayers too.

When I see people do terrible things like these, I think of Emmanuel, my former two-year old neighbor. Emmanuel was abused. I could hear him get hit, but because I never saw it happen child services wouldn't help. Emmanuel, at age two, was already mimicking this behavior, taking out his own frustrations by hitting his eight-year old sister.

And while I hope above all hopes that Emmanuel can overcome this childhood, I know that the odds are that he'll grow up to be the kind of man who beats his own wife and children. That's all he'll know. His sister Shoshanda? She might have a little more hope not to repeat the behavior...though she'll probably allow herself to be a victim all her life. I think boys tend to mimic aggression, whereas girls generally respond with fear and yet continue to trap themselves in similar situations.

I think about Emmanuel because I had this picture into his probable future when he was just two. I think about Bin Laden and how indoctrinated he must've been with evil ideas from his early childhood. I don't know the history of whoever killed Jessica Ridgeway, but he too was once just an innocent child.

I'm not saying all violent behavior results from childhood or bad parenting. But something must've happened to break these people. Maybe it wasn't in childhood. Maybe it was in college or adulthood. Either that or they have a mental illness causing their behavior. A loving, decent person without a severe mental illness doesn't just wake up one day, kidnap a ten-year old, and dismember her. Somewhere along the lines, someone probably hurt or indoctrinated these people so badly that they felt compelled to respond with evil.

Does this excuse their behavior? Absolutely not. What Bin Laden did, what Emmanuel's parents did, what Jessica Ridgeway's killer did...these are all terrible acts and I am in no way trying to justify them. And I can guarantee you that if these situations were closer and more personal to me, I wouldn't be able to have compassion on these people.

But maybe it's just because of my involvement in children's ministry, both within ministry and creating materials for it, but I can't help but picture these offenders as kids. I can't help but wonder what it is that broke them. I can't help but wonder...if someone had been able to capture their hearts with the love of Jesus...would the Twin Towers still stand? Would Jessica still be alive? Can we stop attacks like this from happening 20 years from now by helping today's children build a relationship with Jesus?

Lately I've become more sensitive to the depravity of the world. I'm moved to tears when I hear how sin and brokenness has crushed another spirit. And I've been thinking, "What can I do? What can I possibly do to stop things like Jessica Ridgeway's death from happening?" And for my part, I think that's where my call lies: to reach as many kids as I can today. To help them fall so deeply in love with Jesus that when things happen that might threaten to break their spirits and propel them into a life of abusing or adultery or even murder...they turn to Jesus and find life.

Could God use something I edit to stop a would-be Jessica Ridgeway repeater twenty, thirty years from now? I'll never know. But I know this: the acts of Emmanuel's parents are ones that will likely repeat in him. All I can do is act in a way that I want kids to repeat—and pray that God will let me pass that on in their lives.

Insomnia

Sunday night I couldn't sleep. It was like all the events of the past several days hit me at once and I realized I was overwhelmed.

There were even some things that hit me that aren't problems anymore. Like my grandfather had gone to the hospital Thursday with mild heart attack symptoms. But by the time Sunday night hit, I knew that it was vertigo, that they'd given him medicine, and that his heart was fine. Nonetheless, it was like a delayed reaction of worry and sadness for that hit me.

There were things that weren't personal, but broke my heart as if they were. I watched a few minutes of the news before bed (lesson learned - stick with SNL weekend updates!) and saw about Jessica Ridgeway, and about another child abductor in Wyoming. And my heart broke for the depravity of the country.

I thought about this radio program I'd heard the other day where the deejays call someone to catch them in something, and this college girl had them catch her dad to find out he was cheating on her mom. And her fragile voice when she found out the truth, saying, "Dad? Dad? What are you doing? Dad?" echoes in my mind, breaking my heart for her and that family.

That was on top of a lot of other stressors I've been experiencing lately, some of which I'd been processing and some of which I'd pushed aside. All at once, unexpectedly, they swept over me like a tidal wave.

And so when I turned out my lights at 10:30, it wouldn't be for four more hours that I'd end up finally dozing off. I got up and worked for a little bit around 1. But mostly I laid there trying and failing to fall asleep.

Pretty quickly after I realized sleep was not in my near future, I began to pray. And I listened to some music. And although getting half a night's sleep is not my ideal way to start the week, I think I needed that time. That time for God to say, "Sorry, you're not ready to sleep yet. I've got some stuff to work through with you."

I listened to some music in this process. One of the songs I played a few times was "Blessings" by Laura Story. Mostly because of this line: "What if a thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know you're near?"

I'm hoping just one sleepless night was enough. Definitely not hoping for a thousand. But I resonated with that line because although I was emotional and just wanted to fall asleep, I also felt God with me in my brokenness. I was able to give things to him that I didn't even realize I was holding onto. And if that's what I needed (one night) to know God was near; it was worth it.