Identity

One morning when I was a freshman in high school, the vice principal came and pulled me out of biology class. He looked at me sternly and lectured: "You skipped detention yesterday. That was your last chance - now you're going to be expelled."

I was horrified. Here I was, this teacher's pet, goody two-shoes, and I certainly hadn't been given a detention, much less used up my "chances." With a panicked look on my face and a chipmunk voice, I cried, "I didn't have detention!" Something about my countenance made the VP quickly realize he'd made a mistake. Turned out there was a senior at my high school named Alin Bennett - pretty close to Alison Bennett - and they'd grabbed the wrong kid. Alin and I would never have been confused if you saw us together - I'm about as pale white as they come, and was a teeny little freshman girl, he was a huge black guy that could've (and maybe did) play linebacker for the football team.

A few months later I got called to the office for another discipline problem, but quickly brushed it off, saying, "Oh, you mean Alin Bennett." A couple years later, my mom saw him in the arrests section of the newspaper. Good thing the police didn't confuse us then!

On the other hand, there was a time in college where I had a couple books that were WAY overdue. Months. I calculated the fine at about $20. But when I went in to pay, they said I didn't have any fines. I later met a staff member named Alison Bennett, and in conversation found out she'd been slapped with my $20 fine. (Which she got out of when she told them she hadn't checked out a book in years.) That was definitely a good time to have my identity mixed up!

As I was reflecting on these experiences last night, I was thinking about identity. About who I am. (It's clearly much more than my name, maiden or current!) I feel like I have a pretty good grasp of who I am. I always have, really. Even as a kid I had a pretty set personality. When I liked something, I went straight to obsession. When I didn't like something, well, everyone knew that, too.

And while I know I have lots of room to grow, I'm pretty comfortable with who I am at my core. And even though I consider myself a pretty open book with the events of my life, my opinions, and my feelings, I think there are few people who really know me. There are times I've been hurt, feeling like once people have gotten to know me they realize they don't really like me...and I think as a result I kind of hide Me under a shell. No, I'm no Alin with his expulsions and arrest records...but I've felt from a young age that even though I like me, others don't find me likeable. So I wrestle with insecurity and confidence, all at the same time.

But ultimately, like it or not, I am who God made me. Accept it or don't, but I'm gonna be the me God made me to be.