Waiting

The idea of a "waiting room" is a difficult thing for me. It's hard because every night before I leave, I pray for specific things for my dad. Like on Monday night I prayed that he could get off the ventilator quickly and safely. And last night I prayed that Dad would have a peaceful and restful night.

But Tuesday when I came in he was doing worse on the ventilator, and today I found out that he got really agitated during the night. It's hard when you see those prayers not being answered. But the important thing is that God has been answering the BIG prayer so far: that Dad would survive the surgery and would recover and live a long time more. And ultimately, a few more days on the ventilator or a rough night seems hard at the time but it's not the end of the world. As long as Dad gets better, I'm happy with that. I need to be OK with waiting for him to keep making steps.

The other thing is that I don't like to sit by idly when there's a problem. I like to do things. When I went in to see Dad this morning I changed his CD, and got out the chair, and checked all his numbers, and felt like I was doing something. Or when I went to his trailer, I vacuumed and folded his pajamas and did the dishes. But then just sitting there...realizing that there's nothing I can do...that's hard.

Not that changing his CD or vacuuming his rug is really going to help him get better. But at least I feel like I'm doing something for him, to take care of him. Sitting here in the waiting room or even with him holding his hand, I feel so helpless.

But ultimately I need to remember that holding his hand is doing something important, and being here and being available is important too. It's like the woman who came to visit me here last night (when no one in my family was here). What I needed was for her to be here so I could get up to go see my Dad or go to the bathroom or whatever, without my stuff being unattended. And I needed to get some work done. (And I needed dinner and a donut. Like, really needed a donut.)

And while it may have felt to her like she was just sitting there doing nothing (until she helped with the dinner and donut problem), she was the most helpful visitor of all. She gave me the freedom to be on my computer and not have to feel the obligation to entertain a guest while in the midst of this crisis. Some people need to talk it out...I need to not feel like I have to get to know new people right now. Extroversion for me takes effort and work, and I already feel so drained.

So maybe like her, the best thing I can do is just sit and be here. Even if it feels like I'm not doing anything.