Mothering

Last week sometime I wrote a blog that started out like this: "As a child I didn't play with dolls really at all. I played with stuffed animals a lot, but not dolls. Maybe that's why I don't feel called to be a mother of humans, why I'm satisfied being a mother to two dogs."

My sister was excited to read that blog, thinking I would expound on how my childhood impacted my lack of desire to be a mother. I didn't do that. So I thought I'd make my sister happy by expounding on it.

Like I said above, as a young child I didn't like dolls, just stuffed animals. I ADORED stuffed animals and carried one with me everywhere through 3rd or 4th grade. But I remember a few times when people gave me dolls as gifts, and I'd play with them briefly out of obligation and so that I could say in my thank you note, "I played with it today." But they were quickly discarded.

Does all that mean there's always been this innate desire within me not to be a mom? I don't know. I do know that I spent a lot more time thinking about and preparing for careers than I did thinking about or preparing for motherhood. But I do believe that as I got into my teen years, there was a part of me that wanted to be a mom for most of it. Not this aching desire to be a mom, but just kind of the assumption I would be. Maybe it's because it was the thing girls grow up to do.

I do know there was a period where I didn't want to go to college because I just wanted to be a housewife, and I didn't need a degree for that, so why spend all that money if it wasn't needed? And then somewhere in that period I realized I didn't want to have kids, and then I thought, "well what am I going to do all day if I don't have a job or kids?" And though that wasn't the deciding factor in me reconsidering my college path, it probably had an influence.

When Dan and I were dating and engaged, we of course talked about whether or not we wanted kids. He wanted 4. There was no way I wanted that many, but coming from a family of 3 kids I threw out that number. He wanted an even number, so that left 2. And that's where we were. We'd even picked out names.

But things happened, like being in charge of a nursery (seriously - if you want to teach your teens not to have sex throw them in a wing with 60 screaming infants and toddlers and the never-ending odor of diapers), and seeing people my age as moms (it's more work than it looked like from the kid-side of things), and I changed my mind. I guess looking back, it didn't take much for me to change my mind because although there've been times when I thought I'd be a mom some day, I can't recall ever feeling this aching desire to be a mom the way I hear so many women my age talk about it. Some of my friends talk about how they always knew they wanted to be a stay-at-home mom. Good for them, more power to them! But that's never been something I hungered for.

But an aching desire to have a dog? Had that any time I was without one. And (cue Peanut) sometimes when I already had one. And (cue, "Dan, let's get another puppy to play with Peanut!") sometimes when I already had two.

People tell me all the time, "Oh, you're young, you've got time to change your mind." Well, biological clock or not, the fact is that it's not just that I don't want kids at the moment. The fact is it's never in my life been a great desire. And the more societal pressure is put on me to change my mind, the more it feels like, "the thing women are supposed to do" and less something I - in my heart of hearts - really want. The more women talk about what a blessing it is, and how much joy I'll find in it, the more I think they feel that way because they wanted kids. Maybe not in the timing they got them, but eventually.