Open

I've always considered myself an open book. In fact, when I first started college I actually went to counseling because I feared I was too open. I was thinking I wasn't very good at establishing boundaries in that "getting to know you" phase. There was one particular friend I was thinking of, embarrassed at how, when he'd stopped by my room during the first open floor and we met for the first time, I told him my life story of troubles with boys.

He later told me that conversation was the reason we became friends. He said that every other room he stopped in that night was the same conversation, the standard college freshman small talk: what's your name, where are you from, what's your major. He liked that I just opened up and we were able to make a deeper connection. So I decided maybe it was OK that I was an open book...maybe that was actually a GOOD quality.

So imagine my surprise when, a couple months ago, I was told by some people very close to me that they wished I'd be more open with them...that I didn't share very much. Me? Not open? But as I thought about it, it was true. Which led me to wondering, how did that open book Ali disappear, even after the reassurance that it was a great quality and had landed me a great friend? That question has loomed for the past couple of months.

This week I accidentally stumbled on some old emails, sent in 2003 from my old account. One in particular caught my eye, when I'd emailed my roommate about something hurtful that had happened (not involving her). Basically, I'd tried to be open with someone and was shut down. I'd forgotten about it until I read the email, and that I was transported back in time. And as I read that email, I could almost see the light bulb forming over my head. I just sighed out a long, "ooooooh" of realization.

I don't want to get into the details because what I don't want to do is play the Kelly Clarkson "Because of You" blame game. I am responsible for how I respond to the ways I've been hurt. But what I need to figure out is where to go from here. How do I erase the closed-off-ness etched in me in the past 8 years?