When I lost Buttercup, I heard some of the same well-meaning but gut-wrenching "condolences" my uncle had complained about upon the loss of his dog. Those without their own pets may not understand how deep this loss feels. So, when offering comfort to someone who has lost a pet, consider whether you would speak the same words to someone who just lost a human loved one.
Would you say to someone who just lost a grandparent: "At least she lived a nice long life"? You shouldn't - so don't say it to someone who lost a pet. No matter how old the pet was, it doesn't change the fact that the person is grieving a great loss.
Would you say to someone who just lost a parent: "At least you have another one"? Of course not. But I heard this one all the time. Yes, I appreciated having Peanut and Biscuit around when I lost Butters. But they weren't the same as having her. And sometimes, it made it harder. Like when I had to scoop their dinner, it was always a reminder that I was only scooping two bowls now. Or how Peanut got super sad when I watched videos of Buttercup, so I had to sneak it without her noticing.
Would you say to someone who just lost a child: "Are you going to have another one?" It's true, eventually we who have lost pets will probably get another one. But I read recently that getting a new pet just after the loss of one is usually a bad idea, because you expect it to fill the void and be just like the pet you lost. You need time to grieve so you aren't getting another pet just to fill the hole. For someone to imply that another pet could just fill that role really hurts.
Instead of saying things like the above, simply say you're sorry to hear about the loss. Ask how the person is doing. Be a listening ear if the person wants to talk about it. And consider your context before asking questions. For instance, I asked my co-workers not to talk to me about Buttercup because I didn't want to cry at work, and I was having a hard time holding it in as it was. I appreciated that by-and-large, my co-workers respected those wishes.
Monday, October 3, 2011
What NOT to Say When Someone Loses a Pet
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3 comments:
:( I think sometimes people don't think when they speak. They mean well, but, saying things like that belittles how you feel.
Actually I think with grandparents you might say something about their long life... because we know that everyone dies, and it IS better for someone to die after a long, full life, than if we had, say, lost dad last year, or most tragically, when a child dies, and so people do find some comfort in knowing that their loved one had that long, full life. I think the thing was that in your case you had a certain expectation of how long she would live that was not met, and that people did not know that.
I think it's the "at least" that bothered me. It doesn't sound like a celebration of her life; rather, like, "well, it's not so bad because she was old."
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