Missing Out

Tonight we watched a pre-screening of The Adjustment Bureau, the new Matt Damon flick. A great movie! It really made me think about God's plan and how he might use sometimes use little things to put me where he needs me to be.

After the movie, since it was a pre-screening, we were asked to share feedback. One recurring comment was the language in the movie. There were a few swears - not that many, I think - and many of the people watching the movie, as Christians, were offended by that.

I don't want to put down any of the people who had that opinion. But the comments got me to thinking that we as Christians miss so much because of our judgment. I don't know if the people who shared tonight would not recommend the movie because of the language, or if they tuned out the movie because of it...but I know that often, Christians do that. We throw out a really redeemable thing because one minor thing offends us. Rather than seeing the good, we look for the bad. It's one thing that bothers me about a popular Christian movie review site.

If you'd shown me the movie 10 years ago, I would have been shocked by every swear, and I would have complained about the same things. But I've come to realize that if every swear we hear shocks us, we've created a safe little bubble where not only does the world not impact us - we don't impact the world. And that's not a good place to be.

Grace

There's been a recurring word in my life lately: grace. I keep hearing other people talking about extending it. And I keep realizing that I need to extend it to myself.

I've always been a very goal-oriented person. I make to-do lists and set goals and feel this tremendous pressure to accomplish the lists and goals when I've planned to.

But sometimes, life happens. Sometimes, work is stressful and I need to realize that the world won't end if I don't get around to vacuuming under the couch cushions this month.

God's already given me his grace - now he's teaching me to extend it to myself. And lately he's been teaching me by way of necessity. Too little time, and stuff has had to go. This weekend I had a whole slew of things on my list...and then all of a sudden today my body was overcome with achy-ness, probably the beginning of sickness.

But as I look at my list, I've realized once again that the world won't end if I don't do everything on it. Even if I don't do anything on it. We - women especially, I think - place the world on our shoulders and sometimes, we lose sight of what's really going to make a difference in the grand scheme of things.

I set some goals last night for writing my novel. I set a reasonable goal of how many words to write each week. But I specifically wrote on my plan - "with grace." I've built into my plan 4 extra weeks beyond what would be needed if I meet that word count each week. Because I know that sometimes, I'll need to skip a week or go low on my word count. And I want to build grace into my writing plan.

Mindy-licious

I have a friend from Wisconsin named Mindy and I think she's really awesome. I used to call her Mindy-licious. I was thinking about all the things I admire about her the other day.

She had her wild days when she was younger, and her past has (I think) made her a stronger Christian. She really sticks to her values, but there's nothing that makes her do that "shocked Christian gasp" and judge people. She accepts everyone and loves them as they are.

She's got passion for a lot of things, and that passion shines through. She really cares about people in need. She prays for them - doesn't just say she's going to pray and forget, but hangs up their pictures and prays for them whenever she looks at the pictures.

She likes to write, and she's really good at it.

She is an AMAZING mom. She has such an open line of communication with her kids. They can ask her anything, and they talk about all sorts of things. I watch her and her college-aged daughter communicate on Facebook and I love how they interact. They know they can come to her with any problem.

She, more than anyone I know, gets that being a Christian doesn't mean you can't have fun. While she's committed to being a godly woman, she knows how to go out and have a good time.

She worships without shame. She dances, sings her heart out (and she sings well), and teaches kids to do the same.

She is comfortable with who she is and doesn't care what other people think about her.

When times get tough, she turns to God.

She's just an all-around awesome woman...a real role model.

Escape

I've always liked the bathroom. As a kid in elementary school, when I was feeling left out or hurt, I'd go sit in a bathroom stall. I got to cry and be alone and just think about how I was feeling.

And even now, the bathroom is a wonderful escape. When work is stressful and I just need a couple minutes to breathe without anyone interrupting, I can count on that 3x3 cube of porcelain and tile to be my refuge. When I've expended all the extrovert I've got and still have to interact with people, I can catch a little alone time before I mingle some more. And when my creative juices are stymied, sometimes they're revitalized sitting on the throne of imagination.

It might be a little weird, but it's a place that you can always count on to be there, unless you're out in the woods camping or something. It's a place I can escape for a few moments, no matter where I am.

Where's your escape?

Godspeak

Tonight, the topic at Lifetree Cafe was on the topic "Is God Real?" After a video about a man who encountered Jesus in a vision, we were encouraged to find a partner - someone we didn't know well - and then close our eyes for a minute and listen to God. See if he had a message for that person.

I have to admit, a part of me was a little skeptical. It felt a little bit like calling Ms. Cleo for my free reading. (My sister and I can act out a commercial if you're ever interested.) Somehow I have no trouble believing about the prophets in the Bible, but when it comes to God speaking today there's something hard to believe.

But I did it, and all I could picture was an hourglass. I thought, "This is probably just because we're supposed to do this for a minute, and my brain is counting down the time." But at any rate, I shared with my partner and she knew exactly what God was telling her. She kept telling her husband she felt like time was running out, and she hadn't done everything she wanted to with her life. She's supposed to have a heart valve replacement in a few years, and she's worried about how that will go.

She also shared what God had told her. "I feel like God's saying you really love what you do for work, but you want to do more with your life." That's when I started to think there was something to this whole thing. It was just what I'd blogged about a couple weeks ago, about dreams and about wanting to write more. It perfectly captured the things I've been feeling. I told her so. I told her that I do love my job, but work has been so stressful and overwhelming lately that I've felt frustrated because I'm too exhausted to pursue my writing.

When we said goodbye a bit later, she said, "I feel like God wants me to give you this word: Seek. Seek, seek seek. He'll do what you want to happen. Maybe not in the way you expect, but he'll use you. Seek."

There's still a part of me that finds this whole thing a little odd. But hey, seeking God is biblical. So that's what I'm gonna do.

Community

Based on the comments on last night's blog (Lonely), I'm not unusual in feeling like I don't have the kind of deep friendships I desire. I was thinking more about this today, about how in nearly any sitcom, you'll see those kinds of deep friendships, and yet that doesn't seem to reflect life. But I think it's in sitcoms because it's appealing. It hits at a desire we all have, and yet few have achieved. So we watch fictional characters and live vicariously through them. But ultimately, we still feel empty, because we're not engaging in true relationships.

And along with those thoughts today, I've been thinking about church. I heard Brian Haynes (author of Shift) talk today about what your church values, and as I listed the values of our church it made me think. Dan and I have been going to our church for a year and a half now, and while we've met some wonderful people there, I don't feel like relationships and community building is a high priority. It's a great church with some awesome values, but that particular area is lacking and it's something I really need in order to have a fuller walk with Christ.

So we're talking about looking for another church that values that more. And yet, I wonder if any church really does. I've talked before about the fact that I find church boring. We have a fabulous pastor who teaches truth in a practical way. But ultimately, I can count on two fingers the times I've been transformed by passively listening to any speaker. But the number of times I've been transformed by a relationship? Countless. The number of times I've been transformed by a really good conversation? Innumerable.

And yet the church model is to passively sit and listen. This doesn't seem to be the model found in the Bible - at least not at its core. Sure, people preached. (People also fell out the window and died listening to preaching.) But at its core, the church was community. People who ate together, lived together, did life together. Sometimes I feel like Sunday morning services get in the way of that kind of church.

I've blogged similar things before but I've been thinking afresh about this. I'm just so hungry for a church that is, at its core, a community. A body. A family.

We're not sure we're cut out for the house-church movement. Any other suggestions?

Lonely

I've never been very good at making friends. Today I was thinking about this, how I've lived here for two and a half years and while I have some friends, I'm still looking for those deeper relationships. Someone I hang out with regularly, someone who I can confide in about anything.

As I thought about it today, I started to wonder if there's something wrong with me. Some un-friend-worthy traits that repel any would-be pals.

And then I got this flashback to the summer before 6th grade, when I created a survey asking people what they liked and didn't like about me. Then I made a list of what I needed to change about myself based on the answers.

I don't want to do that again. Not formally, not informally. While I want to keep growing, I want to do it for God, not to make people like me. Any friends I make need to like me for who I am, not who I've changed into.

Inspiration and Motivation

A couple nights ago I had a dream. I'm not going to go into the details here because I think it was novel-worthy. It was kind of like The Shack, only totally different. It had me on an emotional roller coaster the whole time, and I woke up crying at the end. I think it could have that effect on readers, too.

I've been inspired to write things before (though not fiction since childhood), but never through dreams. Usually it's through conversations, through passions, through random thoughts in the shower...that kind of thing. But I know of at least one other author who was inspired to write a story because of a dream he had.

It's interesting where inspiration can come from. I woke up from that dream and popped open my Macbook to take avid notes while it was fresh in my memory. I knew this was something I wanted to write. And it wasn't one of those things that makes total sense when you're half asleep, and later you look at it and go, "I really thought THIS was a good idea?" No. Images from that dream are still popping into my head, reminding me of the power of this story. I WANT to write it.

But wanting to and finding motivation seem to be two different things. I've had so much on my plate at work that I'm TIRED. I spent today just doing NOTHING, and it was great! I kept "shoulding" myself...I should be starting that novel...but it just felt so good to have no agenda. But then I think about the week ahead and I think...I'm still going to be tired. At some point I have to move past that and get motivated anyway, or this story will never get written.

Where do you find inspiration, and where do you find motivation?

Peter

Last night I posted that I felt like Peter, and was waiting for Jesus to reach out his hand and catch me.

I feel so stressed right now. Overwhelmed. There is so much work to be done and it feels absolutely impossible to do it all at all, nevermind to try to do it with excellence. It's simply too much. And as I burn myself out spinning my wheels and trying to stay on top of it all, I feel like I'm drowning.

Which made me think of Peter walking on the water. When he saw the wind, he became afraid and began to sink. But unlike Peter, I don't just feel like my ankles are dipping in...I'm straining to stick my mouth out and gasp in some fresh air. I'm well past "starting to sink." Regardless...the fear is there. What if the wind never dies down? What if things stay this crazy?

Ultimately for Peter, the problem wasn't the wind or the scary things around him. They couldn't have touched him if he'd believed. The problem was that he didn't trust Jesus to empower him in the midst of all that. But even when he didn't trust Jesus to empower him, he trusted him to help him. I'm struggling with the faith even for the second one. And I really, really want to believe that Jesus can not only pull me up above the water, but that he can empower me to stay on the surface. But that's easier said than done. It's so much easier to look at the wind and the storm howling around me and wonder if it will ever clear up.

Trust

I just saw on the news that there's a new app where parents can track their kids' driving. They can see whether their kids are speeding, texting while driving, or going out of a designated zone you want them to stay in.

And as much as I'm all for helping kids and teens stay safe, I wonder if that really accomplishes that in the long term. I feel like my parents parented me with trust...they taught me to choose right from wrong, and they trusted that I would. Not perfectly, of course...that's just not possible. But I think it's because of their trust in me that I wanted to make the right decisions. I wanted to be trustworthy and maintain their level of trust in me. And I think that's made me into a more responsible adult.

You can track your kid when she's 16, but there will come the day when she's independent and doesn't have to answer to your iPhone stalking anymore. At that point...will she feel empowered to make the right choices? Or will she feel freed from the bonds of overparenting and do whatever the heck she wants?

I'm not a parent (well, not of kids that will ever go out much...), so maybe I'm not an authoritative voice on this. But I have been parented and from that experience I think this app isn't a great idea.

Parents, what do you think? Would you use this app when your kids are old enough to drive?

Alive

At Group, we have an annual "Bombastic Bingo Bash" on New Year's Eve. This year I won a Macbook there! I'd always been a PC person, but I was super excited to try out my Mac - and so far I've been loving it.

One thing that's different from a PC is the way you care for a battery. Unlike a PC, with a battery that dwindles if you use it partially and then recharge it, a Mac can be plugged in or not at any point, and the battery is fine. The only recommendation is that at least once a month, you use the battery completely until it dies, and then recharge it. By letting it die, you extend the life of the battery.

Reminded me of what Jesus said about dying to ourselves. It's only when we allow ourselves to truly die that Jesus recharges us and brings us to full life.

Why I Write

I just got back from a Christian Writer's Conference at which I was representing Group and seeking out new authors. But as a writer, I was also inspired and fed during this conference. During my time there, I got new goals and dreams and practical steps to get there.

But there's one thing that stood out to me above all else. Last night, a panel of writers answered questions. On that panel was Jerry B. Jenkins, author of the Left Behind series and the man responsible for the conference. And when the question was asked, "If you could talk to your 20-year old self, what message would you have?" Jerry responded, "I would tell me that I was going to be very lucky." He went on to have a more profound answer, I guess, but that was the line that stuck out to me and got me thinking.

I'm not too far past 20 myself, just 26 and starting out in what I hope to be a successful writing career. And I got to thinking…if 66 year-old Ali could come and tell me now what my writing career would look like over the next 40 years…would I want that? There's no way it could benefit me. If 66 year-old me told me I was going to be very successful, I'd probably put in less effort and wait for opportunities to be handed to me on a silver platter. Why put in the effort when future me has just told me I'm going to be successful? On the other hand, if future me told me at 66 I'd still never had a book published, I'd be tempted to give up. Why write if it was never going to be published?

And THAT got me thinking about publishing. Obviously that's the dream. That's the goal. But what if it doesn't happen? Am I OK with writing just because I enjoy it? Just because it's what God has gifted me to do? Or do I do it with the hope of making a name for myself?

Ultimately, you don't have to be published to touch lives with your writing. I started thinking about a speaker I'd heard at Children's Pastor's Conference last month, who talked about the Butterfly Effect, and how one person touching one life could mean that person touching another life, whose life might go on to touch hundreds of thousands of lives.

What if I'm never published, but someday someone stumbles across a manuscript and reads it, and it touches them. Just them, no one else reads it. But somehow, that writing inspires them to touch 5 people's lives in a special way. And those 5 people each touch 100 more. And so on and so forth. No one would ever know my name, no one would ever give me credit for touching all those lives. I might not even know. But if I'm REALLY about accomplished God's will, maybe that doesn't matter. Maybe he just has ONE life he wants my writing to touch, and that's enough to do what he's willed for me. I need to be OK with that.

If the only place my name is every printed is on my tombstone, that doesn't mean I've failed as a writer.

Dreams

Hi Everyone! I'm ending my best of blogs series and going back to new blogs every day. Here's one I actually wrote on 1/29, but didn't post so as to not interrupt my series. I have another one I want to post later tonight, because I've got some things on my mind, but this one needed to come first.

I've been thinking about what God has in store for my life. The future, near and distant. I've been thinking about my dreams - to make a mark in Children's Ministry, to publish books, to influence people. And ultimately it's come down to these things.

I want to follow God. I want to hear his voice. I want to walk in his way - even if it seems hard or chaotic. I want to trust him even when I don't get what he's doing. I want to lay my plans at his feet and to surrender to whatever he wants to do. I want him to use me. I want to do something that's bigger than me, something heavenly. I want to leave a legacy.

I don't need fame or glory. It's nice, but it's fleeting. What ultimately matters is that when I get to heaven I hear God say, "Well done, my good and faithful servant." I want that to be the only accolade that matters to me.

Best of Blogs #28

Reinvented Me, originally posted 9/24/10.

In Kindergarten and then again in 2nd-6th grade, I had the world's worst gym teacher: Mr. Carron. (His first lesson each year was that his name was spelled that way.) He was one of those people that's so mean and hate-filled you wonder what ever inspired him to become a teacher. I mean really, wasn't there a position open in the Nazi regime?

Well, God didn't make me with much coordination, it seemed. And Mr. Carron routinely did things to point out how terrible I was at sports. Rather than encourage me to try my best or teach me how to do it better, he mocked my basketball skills and singled me out when I was the only girl who couldn't do a split.

And so I never did any extra curricular sports, never tried much in gym class even after I moved on to 7th grade, because I believed one thing to be surely true about myself: I would never be a gifted athlete.

When church events, camps, or field trips required athletic events, I would do my best to get exempt from such things. And if I had to participate, I'd apologetically let everyone know beforehand that I wasn't very good at whatever the activity was. Just to avoid the embarrassment of them finding that out for themselves.

Well, today our department at work went on a team retreat, which involved 2 hours of volleyball and some team building games. And last night I realized something: no one here in Colorado knew that I'm not athletically gifted. No one had seen Mr. Carron's teasing. And what if my un-athletic ability was really just in my mind? What if it was a lie I'd believed for so long that it had become a self-fulfilling prophecy? What if I could re-invent myself as a good athlete?

So I decided to go into today and give it my all. No pre-game apologies for my lack of skill. No timidness because what if I embarrassed myself? Just do my best, be the ball, and have fun. And guess what? I wasn't one of the all-star volleyball players on the team, but I played way better than I ever have before. I had a lot of good hits, one in particular that seemed and impossible hit, and everyone was excited when I made it.

And get this - one of my co-workers asked me if I played sports in high school! And her inflection wasn't so much a question tone, but more of a "oh, you must have played sports" kind of inflection. Which was pretty exciting for me. No one has ever assumed that about me, except running because of my build.

I had a lot more fun than I've ever had playing sports. Sure, I had a few way off hits, and one where the volleyball went right through my arms, but I wasn't focused on the embarrassment. I was focused on re-inventing me. Ali: the reasonably decent athlete. And it worked!

So take that, Mr. Carron!

Best of Blogs #27

Buttercup, originally posted 12/5/09. This one wasn't originally on my best of blogs but after the events of the day (Buttercup collapsing, me driving frantically to meet her and Dan at the vet, all the while thinking she wasn't going to make it)...I decided this would be a good post.

They say that dogs often look like their owners. With her curly white hair, and my straight brown hair, I don't think Buttercup looks a whole lot like me on the outside. But on the inside, we're a lot alike.

Buttercup and I are both very opinionated. And once we've decided the way we feel about something, good luck trying to convince us otherwise. It's pretty clear what Buttercup likes and doesn't like, and it's the same way with me.

We're both afraid of things. For Buttercup, it's things like dumpsters, black garbage bags, hangers, other dogs, and pots. For me, it's things like snakes and humiliation due to lack of coordination. But we respond to fears in similar ways. Unlike Peanut, who typically faces her fears head on, me and Buttercup avoid our fears as much as possible.

We both know what it's like to be the reject. For many years I was the only single one at our family gatherings, but Buttercup was there for me. And we were both the ones to get picked on - her for her wussiness, me for my pickiness and just in general for being the youngest. And in those times, we bonded really closely.

During college, Buttercup was left with my parents who weren't really into the whole having a dog thing. So they took care of her basic needs but ignored her otherwise. We both know what it's like to be the outcast that nobody wants to be with.

People often see how overly submissive Buttercup is, or how she's afraid of so many things, and they think she should be tougher. But I get her. And she gets me. We understand each other in a way no one else understands either of us. That's what makes it so hard to be away from her for long. We're kindred spirits.

I don't really know how to explain it beyond the similarities I've pointed out, because we have this deep connection that goes far beyond just what we have in common. We can communicate with each other. Dan often is in awe of how I'll use my Buttercup voice to say something, and then she'll do that exact thing. But it's because I know what she's thinking. When she wants something, I usually know what she wants right away. We just have our own little wavelength.

It's not the same way I connect with Peanut because she's so different than I am. I love her dearly, but it's not the same as Buttercup.

Buttercup and I were made for each other - so that we'd at least have one other creature in our lives who didn't judge us for being the way we are, because we get it.

Best of Blogs #26

Radio, originally posted 7/17/10.

This week I was asked to do some radio interviews about one of Group's most awesome products - The Hands-On Bible. It was a scary proposition, but I'm trying not to turn down things that could be good opportunities just because they're scary. So I did it.



The interviews were yesterday, and they really weren't as bad as I thought they'd be. The hardest part was trying to say the key things without repeating myself, since I did 7 of these interviews and by the end was starting to lose track of what I'd said that particular interview.



Of course, it's always hard to judge how you did in something since you're not the audience...but I don't THINK I said "um" very much, and overall I think I did OK. I can think of a few specific things I could have done better but they're not big mistakes.



I'll have 3 more to do in the next month, and now that I've done a few I'm not too nervous about it. It's a good lesson that sometimes if you just try something that scares you...you just might find it's not so bad.



Best of Blogs #25

Power, originally posted 4/28/10.

Over two years ago, I wrote an article for Just Between Us Magazine (published through Elmbrook). They liked it, but held it for a while. So by the time they published it this January, I was here in Loveland, working at Group.

Someone at a church a couple towns over read my article. And it spoke to her. So she asked me to be a keynote speaker at their women's retreat. I said yes. I don't consider public speaking to be my gift at all, but it doesn't scare me and I thought it would be a good opportunity. So I did it. And I thought it was pretty cool how God's timing had worked. She wouldn't have asked me if they'd published the article right away, when I still lived in Wisconsin.

The event was last Friday. I was asked to speak on the same topic as my article - the power of God working in us, rather than working from our own strength. And the talk itself was a life lesson in that. From the time I accepted this task, God randomly gave me little nuggets to include. Sometimes while I was brushing my teeth or in the shower, other times things I'd read in Scripture...so by the time I sat down to put my talk together, I didn't have to think of any material. God had already given me more than enough to fill the time frame. All I had to do was weed through it, pick the best stuff, put it in order, and make it flow well and fit with the theme of the retreat (which he'd already given me ideas to do).

But even though my talk was Friday, God is continuing to show me new things about his power and my weakness. I don't think he wanted me to revisit this topic just to talk to others about it. I think he wanted me to rely on him more.

Last night I read the story of Gideon going into battle. God says he has too many soldiers, and with an army that big they might take the credit rather than giving it to God. So he whittles his army down to just 300 men. They are severely outnumbered. And it's in that weakness, with that tiny little army, that God's power is revealed in their victory. There's no way they can take credit. They made themselves weak so God could be all the stronger.

Also this week I was reading in 2 Corinthians 12, where Paul has his "thorn in the flesh" and asks God to take it away. But - for the very purpose of keeping him from becoming proud - God leaves it there, saying, "My grace is all you need. My power works best in weakness" (NLT). I think it's the first time I ever read it in that version, and it really struck me. God's power works best when we are made weak. Just like Gideon's army, there's no way we can think WE accomplished anything without God's power when we are weak.

Lord, make me weak so that you may be shown strong and powerful.

Best of Blogs #24

Opportunity, originally posted 2/19/10.

This year one thing I've been trying to do is say yes to things, even if I'm a little hesitant. It's like the movie Yes Man, but much less extreme. I won't say yes to ANYTHING, but if it's something that's a potential growth opportunity, I'll probably do it even if there's a part of me that's scared or unwilling. That can mean little things, like getting to know someone who I have a silly beef with, or bigger things, like saying yes when a local church asked me to speak at their women's retreat in April.

So far I haven't regretted anything I've said yes to. They've ended up being good opportunities and they've helped me grow in weak areas. I'm thankful that God is bringing me opportunities of all sizes to help me grow. And while it's not always easy to keep that perspective, my goal is to end 2010 with a lot more character and skill than I started it with.

Best of Blogs #23

Journey (My Yellow Ball), originally posted 1/27/10.

One Halloween during my sophomore year of college, I helped with a Halloween alternative event at my church. There, I met a guy named Derek Buikema. We became friends. I also got a yellow bouncy ball that was left over from the prizes that night.

Derek and I were IMing one night when his friend seized the computer (unbeknownst to me, initially). After conversing with Derek's friend for a bit, we ended up hitting it off. So we started a sort of ambiguous in-between friends and dating kind of relationship.

And because of that relationship, when it came time to look for an internship, I looked in Brookfield, Wisconsin, home of Derek and his friend. And that's how I ended up at Elmbrook as an intern, and later as a children's ministry assistant. (Though my pseudo-relationship ended before my internship started.)

I took that little yellow ball with me to Elmbrook. It reminded me of how that one little act of serving at my church one night brought me to where God wanted me to serve for a season. And I wrote on the ball "he has brought me to this place."

While at Elmbrook, one small part of my job (and not a part I loved) was to host a conference at Elmbrook that Group ran all over the country. And thus began my connection to Group. And it's how I met Mikal, who was instrumental in helping me get even more plugged into Group.

My yellow ball sits on my desk at Group to this day, reminding me of how God can use the random little things in life to bring you to the places he wants you to be. I'm thankful that even through the heartache of a bad relationship and through doing a task I didn't like at my job, God brought about awesome opportunities for me.

And I'm only at the start of my journey!

Best of Blogs #22

Presence, originally posted 1/12/10.

Lately I've been spending at least one leg of my commute to work just enjoying God's presence. Praying, listening to worship music, or just reflecting and listening. It's been so wonderful to spend that time with God, and it's really helped me relax and focus on him each day, drawing my strength from his presence.

It's been a while (before the past couple of weeks) since I really spent time dwelling in God's presence. It's amazing the difference it makes in your life. It's amazing to see answers to your prayers, and wonder why you didn't pray about the zillion other things that came up that stressed you out or caused you pain. When you see God at work, it seems so stupid that you didn't pay attention to his work earlier.

Best of Blogs #21

Intertwined, originally posted 1/10/10. This one's nice and short to make up for yesterday's.

The more I grow in my faith, the more intertwined God becomes in my life. Even on days - in stretches - where I go without reading his Word or talking to him, he lives and breathes in me in every aspect of my life. Not that I don't make mistakes, because I do. It's just that his presence is so noticeably with me, a constant reminder that faith intersects everything I do.

Best of Blogs #20

What I Learned at Kids Kamp, originally posted 9/20/08 - the day after I accepted my job at Group. This one was REALLY long so I abbreviated it.

Here's the update, then I'll go into what I learned at Kids Kamp: Dan and I are moving to Colorado. I got a job with Group Publishing as a Curriculum Editor. We are totally psyched (although Buttercup senses something big is happening and seemed a little bit on edge last night).

When times were hard [in my previous job], I didn't turn to God. I was mad at Him for taking away what I loved, and especially for giving me this terrible new job. It was a horrible fit for me, and I didn't understand what the heck God was thinking. So I didn't even want to talk to Him.

Here's the part I left out until now: nine days after I told my boss I was stepping down from the nursery, my dream job in Colorado opened up. I'd visited in May and knew there would be an opening eventually, but it wasn't supposed to happen for another few months. It felt like God was saying, "Okay, you took the step of faith that I would provide for you. Here, have the opportunity of your dreams."

Then Kids Kamp came. I was excited about Kamp, and I was excited about life again. But I wasn't totally excited about God. I was beginning to see that maybe He'd had a plan for me this whole time, that He'd been loosening me up at Elmbrook so that He could move me somewhere else. But it wasn't official yet, so I didn't want to totally commit to Him again.

It didn't take long for God to speak to me at Kids Kamp. The teaching was about David, and on the first night Brodie played a song that said, "David he chased God's own heart; all I ever seem to chase is me." Wow...did that convict me. I hadn't been chasing God at all, but I had very much been chasing myself. My love for God had become conditional on whether or not I was happy with what He was doing in my life...when really I could only see a foot in front of me, and He could see the big picture.

Here's an excerpt of what I wrote in my journal that week:

"I really want to chase after God, not myself and not even Group. If I don't get it, rather than reacting like I've been for the past few months about everything that's been going on at Elmbrook, I still want to be able to say that I trust God and I know that He is using this to bring about good...even if I don't know what it is yet! It's a hard thing to lay my dream of working at Group on the altar and say, "Yes, I will trust You even if I don't get this job," but this week I want to learn to do that."

That night, I gave myself back to God. I realized that He had a much bigger plan than I had ever considered, whether or not Group was a part of that plan. I was determined to trust in God no matter what the outcome of my application to Group was, or when I would ever know what God was up to. And I've held on to that determination ever since. I knew I'd be sad, and I'd cry, if I was rejected...but I knew that I would hold on to God this time.

I think it was important for me to give all this to God before I got the job. Maybe I would have gotten it either way...but I'd rather go into it with a heart for God and a desire to serve Him.

It really is true what Romans 8:28 says, that all things work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to His purpose. It's just that with our limited line of vision, we can't always see the good work God is up to. When we go through hard times, it's hard to remember that God is doing something good even in the midst of it.

One song we sang a lot at Kids Kamp was "Our God is Up to Something Good." I loved that song, especially with everything God had been teaching me, because I realized it was always true. And I loved how the word "something" was so ambigious. He's up to something good. I don't know what, but I can trust that it's something good. Because our God is good.